How do I help my dad?

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Hi, I've never used a forum like this before but I need some good advice and don't have anyone else to talk to. This may be long and I'm not sure if all my concerns are legit, but some things really worry me.

I'm 19 and currently at uni. My parents divorced last year - I think that my mum wanted to do it for a long time but they were waiting for me to leave home. I'm an only child, so after I left my parents would have been on their own.

My mum is moving on with her life but dad isn't coping well at all. I visit him some weekends and he seems so down and confused. I've noticed that he's started drinking, which is completely unusual for him. He never drinks while I'm there and I haven't actually seen him drunk, but I have seen a lot of half empty bottles around his flat. He never has any food around either. He makes an effort to go out or order food while I'm there but I have no idea what he does when he's on his own. It's not really his fault because my mum did all the cooking, so I don't think he knows how, but it's so bad that he never has anything around.

He makes an effort to be cheerful when I'm around, but I can see how unhappy he is.

There is another thing that worries me, but it's so embarrassing and silly to talk about so please don't judge me! I've noticed that he is trying to flirt with women, which is completely fine and I would love it if he found someone because my mum has a new man in her life. The problem is that he is going about it the wrong way. There is a younger, really pretty woman who lives in his building. She is married and has a son, but every time he sees her, he's all over her and it's painful to watch!! I have a feeling that she is uncomfortable but puts up with it to be polite. I'm just worried that she'll get sick of it and tell her husband. Or worse, if he is drinking a lot like I suspect, that he'll do something stupid.

I don't know what to do to help him. I have nobody to talk to about this. I can't tell my mum because he hates her right now and if she gets involved it'll only make things worse.

Advice?

Than you

Your father has gone through a difficult time but he is an adult. If you suspect he is depressed then suggest he goes to his doctor or seek counselling. Be honest with him, tell him his behaviour towards this woman is bordering on harassment if she doesn't solicit or respond to his 'moves'.

You sound caring and concerned but don't fall into the trap of becoming the parent.

It's hard seeing someone you love not taking care of themselves but you can't make them.

Good Luck

Oh and your father not being able to cook is not your mother's fault.

Hi, thanks for the advice!! I guess my problem is that I don't know how to talk to him about it. He has never acted this way before and I just feel so uncomfortable confronting him on his behaviour. I don't think he'd be mad or anything but it would be really embarrassing and I'm not sure what good it would do. That's why I'm so confused.

Definitely talk to him. Tell him what you've written above ie. that you're worried he's depressed, not eating properly and drinking too much. Suggest a trip to the GP. As for his crush on the woman in the building, he's lonely and he's casting around for a bit of female attention. Don't be too hard on him. Men (according to the statistics) operate less well as singles then women and are usually quicker to find a replacement partner. What he really needs are some friends, activities, hobbies etc that can give him a bit of purpose and company in a constructive/healthy way. How about researching some of those with him?

"it would be really embarrassing"

You're only 19 and this usually comes a bit later in life but there is always a point where the parent/child relationship sort of shifts around. You go from dependent to equal and, in a crisis, you become the 'parent'. It's awkward the first time it happens but gets easier with practice. You love him and he loves you. Overcome your embarrassment & discomfort, talk to him the way you would a mate rather than a Dad, and you'll both gain from the conversation.

GP is a good suggestion.
Can you get him to take some kind of cookery course? I'm thinking it might help him get more adventurous with food, will get him out of the house, and will also get him interacting with people, making friends - meeting women.
An evening class?
But I must say I agree it's not your mother's fault. I presume now you're at uni you've managed to work out how to use a toaster, heat up some soup? If he's not preparing food it's because he can't be bothered - either simply can't be bothered, or is depressed.
I think trying to be subtle would be ineffective and draining. It sounds so hard, but honestly I'd tell him what you've written, and suggest GP,

Great great thank you!

I am going to visit him this weekend, so I'll try to do it then. I was thinking of easing into it rather than bombarding him with all my concerns at once. So maybe I could start with how I'm worried about his health or something? Or do you think it's better to just tell him everything and not let it drag out?

I think talking about the drinking and general lifestyle issue isn't too difficult, but I'm really nervous bringing up the issue with this woman. See, that's why I wanted to make sure I was being reasonable to think his behaviour was inappropriate. I mean he hasn't done anything horrible, but I think he needs to be more aware, if that makes any sense. This is definitely the part that makes me the most uncomfortable. I don't mind that she's younger than him or attractive, she's actually quite nice to I understand why he likes her. Obviously, though, she's married and her son is really little, so I think it's just really awkward and he should know better. I just don't know if I can say this to him

Also, I'm not blaming my mum for him not being able to cook lol!! I'm just saying that he's never had to do it, so he didn't learn.

Health, drinking, food, and improving his social life.... have some ideas ready and go straight in. (Sweeping generalisation alert) Men respond better to the direct approach than to oblique hints. About the woman in the building, you need humour for that one. 'Still got that crush on Beryl across the hall... you old dog you... ?' The woman can probably take care of herself and just regards him as a bit of a sad old bugger that she's friendly with.

fair enough, if some middle aged guy was trying to chat me up, I probably wouldn't care that much either. That's why I wanted to check if I was being unreasonable. I actually asked my boyfriend for advice, and he said that I should just forget that and it's not a big deal. I'm not sure if I'm worried about it because it's really inappropriate or because it makes me cringe lol! I think it's a bit of both really...........

It's because it makes you cringe. We all want to think our parents are exemplary, together types and it's a bit of a disappointment to discover they're as human as anyone else in the nookie department. :)