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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Stay together, separate or divorce?

7 replies

Mrsadamou · 13/11/2013 22:34

hello

Me and my husband have been together nearly 4 years (3years of marriage)!
We have 1 yo boy.
The problem is that since (just before) the marriage we have been arguing, screaming, shouting at each other for many things... I didn't like that he was to persistent, he was smoking (he said he would stop), he was without visa (basically illegal, but it wasn't a problem because we really fell in love), we don't have nothing in common, he is not passionate or the man I wanted him to be, as well he is Muslim and I'm not which is as well no problem because we agreed to adjust to each other needs. I'm the person who wants for my family to be happy, so I'm doing everything it takes (obviously 50/50 with husband - including washing, scrubbing, cooking and ect.).
He doesn't respect me, he takes advantage of me being forgiving and forgetting for things he have said, and done. I fed up telling him common things (for example: keep your voice down baby is sleeping, or if you didn't kept your promise quitting cigarettes - go make yourself fresh.. And there is 100 things more what any person would think as a common sense). Plus he is making comments, and I have to adjust to his mood, he can't be romantic or passionate, there is no flowers or gifts or taking to nice places.... I mean these are things what I want and he can't do it, and it doesn't cost a lot, just £5 bouquet of flowers would do the trick... As I understand things!
I am tired, upset, emotionally drained, annoyed by his behaviour and exsousted living with him...
Just today, I asked him "would he be able to pick up my aunty from airport".... He answered me "why should I!" Comon' man.... Ahhhhhh!

Well, I told him that we should share the house, but live under one roof separated (not divorced)... I guess I just need to be strong in my decision and do it, and see what happens, if there is nothing... Than it could lead to divorce.... I do try to improve everything, but my husband is stubborn... And when he agrees to do something, I have to listen that he is not happy about something, or he rushes us to get on with it we are doing, he doesn't enjoy this life with me...

As well, I have to tell him everything about how to take care of his own child, even though this is mine first as well..... Duhhhhh!

I hate him, I feel like I want to get out of this and have fun, to live my life rather than spending it at the house!

Please, leave a comment or advice, anything will help! I would like to see what do you think from the viewers position (it this case readers)!

Thank you, for your time, most appreciated!

OP posts:
fifi669 · 13/11/2013 23:07

Maybe sit down and have a chat when you're not already arguing. Try to calmly get your points across. Consider couples counselling too.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/11/2013 07:45

I think, if you've decided that you should 'share the house, but live under one roof separated' you should take legal advice and progress it through to a divorce. You're married to an unpleasant man, the atmosphere in your home is poisonous and your DS is growing up, probably upset by the arguments & thinking that this behaviour is the normal way men and women should relate to each other.

The longer you stay under the same roof, the more opportunity he has to make your life miserable and grind your self-esteem & confidence down further than it already is. If you want to get out (or get him out), live your life and create a better home for your DS then take advice, talk to a solicitor (many offer a free initial consultation) start the divorce and do the job properly. A half-way house is no good for anyone.

Mrsadamou · 14/11/2013 09:25

...counselling would be great idea, but I don't think it would change something for my husband in a long run! Sitting down and talking we have done, he have change for one day and that's it... I don't think that he takes anything in, sadly!

Thank you!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/11/2013 09:35

He takes it all in, rest assured. He chooses to ignore it, however, because he thinks he is in the right. It suits him to not change because there are no consequences to staying the same.

Vivacia · 14/11/2013 10:06

Absolutely, why should he change? What's in it for him?

If he loved and respected you, he'd change for that reason alone.

usedandabusedthentossedaside · 14/11/2013 11:19

Sorry for the position your in op and I hate to say this but I think you may have served your purpose as far as he is concerned. I don't believe he actually loved rather that he cruely manipulated you and is now showing his true colours. I may sound cynical but maybe his goal was citizenship.
I agree with cog in that he is extremely toxic and that this is only further going to erode you and your dc. YOU are WORTH more than that.
Kick his ass to the kerb and protect yourself and your dc from this manipulative and toxic waste of space.

EdithWeston · 14/11/2013 11:32

"I hate him, I feel like I want to get out of this and have fun, to live my life rather than spending it at the house!"

Have you ever made a concrete plan about what your future would be like without him?

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