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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What is normal??

24 replies

20000leagues · 13/11/2013 20:08

Can you kind MNetters please help. My previous relationship could have been described as emotionally abusive I suppose. However I was used to the very full on nature of it over a few years. I never had to guess what he was doing or where he was, he was always in contact when we weren't together, always said he loved me and missed me even if he didn't always treat me well

Anyway fast forward to now. Have been seeing a man for a few months. Met online, all good we have got on well and I really like him probably am falling for him. He has told me fairly early on he has strong feelings for me and can see us together. I am just worried now because we seem to see less of eachother not more than the first couple of weeks. I guess it's not the best idea to spend every night together but he doesn't call when we don't see eachother either like he did at the start.

When we are together he's lovely and isn't behaving differently towards me, in fact probably better than before, it's just I feel insecure sometimes. I don't want to tell him because I realise this is probably normal and we are settling into a routine which is do able for us both. Maybe I'm like this because I'm comparing it to the last relationship. He seems to be happy to spend a few nights a week on his own. Am I too clingy?

OP posts:

MillyRules · 13/11/2013 20:16

It's still very very early days so I wouldn't go showing your insecurity just yet. Some men do fall very quickly before they have really got to know you and then they cool off cause your not what they originally thought. As long as he is phoning you to arrange dates and not you ringing him then I wouldn't worry too much. Relax and enjoy it for what it is. You don't know each other properly yet and your still in the lust stage

Original poster

20000leagues · 13/11/2013 20:31

I really like him and I'm scared of getting hurt. We have arranged to spend the weekend together as we did last weekend so I suppose I'm worrying about nothing. He has also talked of plans for Xmas just yesterday so I guess he's thinking ahead. I just miss him when he's not here and I think if he missed me he would want to at least phone me or text. I need to get a grip don't I?

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Aeroaddict · 13/11/2013 20:35

Hmm, I would say the opposite, if you are not happy with how things are, I would tell him. If he is a decent bloke, he will be happy to reassure you. I'm not suggesting you sob all over him, and beg him to spend every waking moment with you, but I would tell him how you feel, and see what he has to say.

Original poster

20000leagues · 13/11/2013 20:38

But doesn't it seem a bit demanding to be wanting him to see me every night or at least phone me?

OP posts:

MillyRules · 13/11/2013 20:40

He is showing you that he really likes you and wants to spend time with you and is spending weekends with you and plans for Christmas so whats the problem.......lol!..... If you tell him that you want him to phone you more then I think you will scare him off. Why don't you make more plans with your friends and go out with them. You had a life before you met him so keep that up. Its very important to keep your independence and not let him think that you are making him your whole world so early in the relationship. He probably doesn't phone you a lot because he has nothing to say and is busy with his life.

MillyRules · 13/11/2013 20:41

Yes, its very demanding and will send him running for the hills.

Original poster

20000leagues · 13/11/2013 20:45

milly I know that's why I'm keeping myself in check, I think I've just fallen for him big time actually and can't keep away. I realise its too early to be so full on though. I just got worried because he seemed more full on to start with and now he's more happy he's "got me" he's relaxed a bit. Still lovely though :)

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MillyRules · 13/11/2013 20:47

So what is it that your asking 2000 if you already realise.

Original poster

20000leagues · 13/11/2013 20:51

Not sure really. Think I just needed someone to tell me I am being unreasonable. And am slightly worried that he doesn't like me as much but as I said he's making plans for Christmas so I'm probably worrying over nothing

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MillyRules · 13/11/2013 21:07

Well in my experience if he is making all these plans that is a good sign.
Men do back off though if you come on too strong in the early months. He is probably just seeing his mates again after spending so much time with you in the early days. So, the best thing you could do is do the same. Make plans to do things on the days your not seeing him so he knows that your not just sitting round waiting for him to phone. Very important! And please stop worrying and try and relax.

Original poster

20000leagues · 13/11/2013 21:12

Thing is neither of us is young anymore, I just feel like a teenager at the moment. He doesn't tend to go out with mates as like my friends they are all attached and/or busy working. I can arrange to see them occasionally though, I know I did last week. If he's not with me he's mostly at home

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MillyRules · 13/11/2013 21:22

I understand that you really like him and that you feel insecure. Its hard isn't it but you need to do something to take your mind off waiting for the phone to ring.
He is making all the plans isn't he.......your not the one making them? If so its all good.

Original poster

20000leagues · 13/11/2013 21:26

Yes he is definately the one making the plans and talking about them first. He's never been big on texting but did used to ring on the evenings we didn't see eachother in the first 3 weeks I'd say.

OP posts:

Aeroaddict · 13/11/2013 22:35

So do you get any say in the pace of the relationship. or do you just wait until he wants to see you? My answer to your question was based on my own experience. I got insecure several times early in my relationship with DH. His response was to explain where he was coming from, and re assure me that he did care about me. As a result I am now very rarely insecure, 11 years on. Even now, if I am, he is calm and kind about it, and makes me feel better when I speak to him about it. I think avoiding discussing your feelings in a relationship is not a healthy way to start.

From what you have said, it is impossible to tell whether he is going off you, and therefore less keen to meet up, or just settling into the relationship. The only way to find out is to discuss it with him, which is what people do in normal relationships.

CailinDana · 13/11/2013 22:43

I agree with aero. I think it's silly to play all these childish guessing games. Just explain about your past relationship.and how you really like him but you're feeling insecure. See what he has to say.
I agree that this is how healthy relationships work (been with dh 12 years).

Hectorhugh · 13/11/2013 22:47

Men are very simple. He's already let you know he likes you. If you like him, just tell him- overthinking is bad. And stop overthinking. You seem to be overthinking :)

MillyRules · 13/11/2013 23:04

Ladies, I guess we all see things differently. I just feel at the beginning of a relationship its best no not act too needy. Men are very simple, I agree,but if he is already giving all the right signals and making future and present plans then everything is fine and the problems is in the OPs head and her self esteem is what needs working on here so she can feel more confident in herself and self assured rather than having to look to him for reassurance. He may reassure her on one occasion but then if he fails to phone or changes a plan she may become insecure again and need reassuring again. That's why I feel she needs to see that at the present time he is really into her and she has no need to doubt his intentions. I have been with dh for 29 years.

Pumpkinupthejam · 13/11/2013 23:20

I would expect to have daily contact with a boyfriend (for want of a better word, ie something more serious than just FWB). Maybe not a phone call every night, but certainly if neither of us was doing anything and were at home. I would expect a text or two as well.

IME this has been my experience over the last 3 years (since divorce), so certainly not unreasonable.

I wouldn't continue to see someone who CBA with that level of contact, there's plenty who would consider it normal to want to touch base once a day.

garlictrivia · 13/11/2013 23:30

When I met XH2, I thought he was 'normal' because he didn't do this in-your-pocket thing. I restrained myself. All my previous relationships had been cataclysmic, 'volatile' and generally dysfunctional; I wanted 'normal'.

It turned out that he was a withholding, secretive, head-fuck.

With the wisdom of hindsight, I'd have been MUCH clearer about what I wanted. The trouble (then) was, I knew that a fair amount of what I wanted was screwed-up, so I wasn't able to perceive it's perfectly reasonable and grown-up to state how much contact I wanted and so on.

My advice: don't play games. Life, short, etc.

MillyRules · 13/11/2013 23:39

Pumpkin I can see your point even though they have only been seeing each other for a few months. But I still don't think its a good idea to asking him why he doesn't phone and text every day so early on in the relationship.

Original poster

20000leagues · 14/11/2013 06:21

Thank you for your replies. I did ask him the other day how he sees the relationship did he see us as fwb? He he " god no definatly not" we both came off dating site together, his suggestion first but obviously I agreed.

I do overthink things, I'm aware that I've always done that. However I think i got worried because he seems to be seeing less of me and not phoning like he did in the first couple of weeks. I do believe he's into me but maybe he's just settling into the relationship now. I know he was quite unsure of things to start with and he said he couldn't quite believe someone like me would go out with him, he was very keen. Maybe the pace is slowing to something more normal.

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Walkacrossthesand · 14/11/2013 07:13

The trouble with an evening phone call every day, in my experience of a long distance relationship, is that it takes so much time - up to an hour at a time if you like chatting - and you don't both always have that block of time free at the same time! We used to make contact every day by email, and talk/Skype/chat sometimes if we were both online at the same time. The great thing about email is that the sender can ping it off and the recipient read it, when they have time. Do you feel that you are both travelling in the same direction and wanting the same things from the relationship?

Original poster

20000leagues · 14/11/2013 07:20

Yes most of the time I do feel we are going in the same direction, my confidence is not very high so I do get insecure and the more insecure I am the more I'm desperate not to appear that way iyswim. So I suppose he could see me as a bit aloof from his point of view.

He has actually told me he's fallen for me but I'm so distrusting that I question it in my head and think he's trying to reel me in. When we are together though its mostly great and I don't doubt him. I just get the wobbles when we are apart

OP posts:

Original poster

20000leagues · 14/11/2013 17:34

I feel I should say something to him but I'm to sure what to say. There is a definate change, he used to txt me and say when you get in txt me and and I will ring you. I last saw him early yesterday morning as he stayed over the night before. I txt once yesterday and that was it just one reply. He text at lunchtime today just asking how my day was. So I will see him tomorrow night I believe. Haven't a clue what he's doing yesterday or tonight

I just don't want to come across as possessive but I don't understand the change from a few weeks ago. What should I do? Anything or nothing?

Reading that back I sound like I'm to needy, I just feel a bit insecure and unsure, I don't really want him knowing this

OP posts:

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