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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

WWYD- informing a friend of something?

17 replies

SmellyStilton · 13/11/2013 15:54

There’s always lots on here about how a DH or DW would want to know about an OW/OM.
What do you think here?
I have an old friend ( former colleague, boyfriend and now someone I exchange Xmas cards with and have the very occasional chat to- once every 2 years kind of thing.)
It was a whirlwind marriage because she was on the verge of being deported due to her status here. She gained a lot financially by marrying him and it was almost a 'Thai bride' situation. I was invited to the wedding but was unable to go ( just mentioning as want to be clear I am not carrying a torch for him in any way.)
Well, I’ve now seen her Facebook page and her profile shows she belongs to a singles dating site. There is also some evidence online that her business offers ‘extras’ IYSWIM. She isn't savvy enough to hide it, I think.
He is old school, much older than her and doesn’t even have email. I feel very sorry for him if he’s being taken for a ride because he is quite naive and not internet savvy at all.
Would it be totally wrong to let him know about this even if I did it anon? My gut feeling is I should ignore but on the other hand so many people here say they'd like to have known.

OP posts:

sparklysilversequins · 13/11/2013 15:58

It's likely he knows, I wouldn't say anything.

Lulu1083 · 13/11/2013 15:59

If it were me, I would message/call him commiserating that they had broken up, then when he says they haven't, mention the singles dating thing. It may be that he already knows and they have some sort of agreement, although it's a bit rude of her to not be discreet.

Original poster

SmellyStilton · 13/11/2013 16:44

We don't message- it's only ever a landline call. Maybe it would be better to write to her saying it's clear on her FB profile and does he know etc? If I contact him he'll then know I've been looking at her FB profile. I just feel so cross that she is behaving like this- she's in her 50s and he's much older.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/11/2013 17:47

If you only talk to him every couple of years you're not really friends. I think for bean-spilling situations it has to come from a really close friend. As it stands, even though you'd be telling the truth, I think you'd risk looking like you just want to cause trouble. You're already saying she only married him for a visa and cash so you're obviously not a fan. If they're 50+ they are both old enough to know better... and some couples have some very odd private arrangements

ZombieMojaveWonderer · 13/11/2013 17:54

I would tell him.

Original poster

SmellyStilton · 13/11/2013 18:10

I don't think frequency of chatting has anything to do with how friendly we are, in some ways. We don't live near. We stayed friends for 15 years after we stopped being a couple ( dinner or tea once a year, occasional chats, all completely platonic - I ended the relationship so don't think I was ever jealous, and my DH knew - it was all open) then he married and she became very possessive and actually told me once on the phone not to call him. he wrote to say sorry and that she was insecure at the time. Needless to say I wasn't happy but this is NOT a reason for wanting to tell now. I am pleased he is /was happy because he was 50 when he married ( for 1st time) and is now 70s. I just think he deserves better and the site she is on is for younger women looking for rich men....

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/11/2013 18:13

So tell him. You've clearly already decided. No dilemma, therefore.

poopinthebin · 13/11/2013 18:20

It's none of your business. Don't stick your nose in. It will not be well received.

Original poster

SmellyStilton · 13/11/2013 18:48

no, Cog. Taking soundings.

poop- do you believe in telling the H about OW/OM type of stuff?

OP posts:

Lavenderhoney · 13/11/2013 19:33

When did you last see him to talk to? Alone over a coffee?

How do you know they are still together?

Original poster

SmellyStilton · 13/11/2013 19:39

I haven't seen his in ages- see above posts- they live a long way off. Last heard from him last Xmas with a card. There are pics of him on her FB profile when they are both at a wedding last month.

OP posts:

poopinthebin · 13/11/2013 19:47

Smelly You sound very judgemental of his wife... 'she gained a lot financially'... 'almost a Thai bride situation'. I think you're assuming a lot.

Also, you say you have 'seen' her Facebook page - are you friends or are you snooping?

I'm just telling you that whatever you say will seem like nosiness, and an over-eagerness to stir. It will not be well received. If it's on her FB page then plenty of people (people much closer to them than you are) will be in a position to say something to him.

Original poster

SmellyStilton · 13/11/2013 20:05

I'm not assuming anything, he told me. She was here illegally and was faced with being deported or getting married and once married he had to send money to her family overseas. He told me this, so I am not being bitchy. I've just read so many posts her from betrayed women saying they wish they had been told about something going on and wonder if I ought to tell him that something looks odd. That's all. If it was black and white to me I wouldn't have asked.

OP posts:

poopinthebin · 13/11/2013 20:47

Are you Facebook friends or are you snooping?

ImperialBlether · 13/11/2013 21:05

Well, I think you should tell him. As someone above said, call him up and say you're sorry his marriage ended. If it hasn't, of course he should know if she's having sex with someone else. He's your friend and you should help protect him.

Original poster

SmellyStilton · 13/11/2013 22:41

Poop, I feel you are being a little confrontational towards me and don't know why. Fair enough if you think it would be wrong. That is why I asked. I have mixed feelings over this. You seem to be very judgy of me here which feels a bit unfair. I've not judged his wife but I have given the facts and you or anyone can draw their own conclusions. The Thai bride comment was because she is literally, from SE Asia. The facts about her finances are that- facts. You don't know him but I do and have known him for almost 35 years. He's terribly kind, an old fashioned 'gent' but a bit naive and he knows nothing about I.T. Her profile is public and I don't think she's got the knack of privacy settings. It seems judgemental of you to use a word like 'snooping' when loads of people look up friends and people they know on FB. Is this snooping? I looked him up and he wasn't there of course, and I looked her up- just like I do for loads of people I've known over my lifetime. I don't see how that matters. But what matters is what I've seen. Most of her friends are in SE Asia and are unlikely to know her DH or have any contact with him.

OP posts:

wontletmesignin · 13/11/2013 23:00

Its a tough one. For his age alone. He may know already, and going along with ignorance is bliss.

I would agree to telling him if he were younger. But does he really need the stress. Could he be happy and unaware, or even aware and happy.

He could spend the rest of his life miserable for finding out.
Talk to him with general chit chat. See how he is.
If he is happy - i would leave it be.
But you are the one who knows him.
I think you would know best.

Good luck in whatever you decide xx

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