SIL and Dh: MN advice needed!

[Lulu1083]

I will try and keep this as short as possible but it will have to be thorough to outline the mess.

Dfil passed away over 4 years ago without a will, but as he was a widower and has 2 children, dh and dsil, it was pretty easy to sort out probate etc. Dsil and her bf were living with dfil at the time, having been kicked out by his mum. They haven't worked in the 12 years I've known them, just scrounged off one set of parents or the other,till their welcome was up, there was always some excuse for why they weren't claiming benefits (my favourite one being 'we don't want to be on the grid' )

DH was understandably worried that she was living in the house, she made all the right noises at first, but since then nothing has moved on anywhere. In fact it's gotten worse:

.They sold his car, and kept the money.
.They still owe us half of some of the funeral costs, despite there being a pay out on dfil pension which would have easily covered it.
. They have taken in a lodger who pays them rent, but they can't afford to pay any of it to DH

A few months ago he discovered that she had sold 2 valuable antique statues for at least less than a quarter of their worth and kept the money for herself, and not said anything (they were at least upfront about the car).

I went mad when I found out. I told him to get everything else of value out of that house and into an auction, then split the proceeds (preferably minus all the stuff they've already had, but if it's going to drag then it's not really worth it)

She refused!!
He refuses to press charges on her or do anything to upset her in case she won't talk to him anymore, which I am sympathetic to, but I have pointed out repeatedly she isn't treating him that way!

Now things have gotten so bad it's causing arguments between us, as he is so stressed about it and I'm stressed about it, especially when he keeps talking about all the things we will do with the money (holiday to Florida, our FIRST car, deposit on our FIRST house etc)

He called her his only blood relative the other day. I told him that was disgusting with his 3dds in the other room. He said he didn't mean it like that but I told him that I felt it more of a Freudian slip as that is the way he is behaving, putting her first. I also reminded him that if he dies his share goes to her as they own the house together. That really upset him and told me he feels like he's getting flack from both of us because she moans if he mentions the money, so I'm not to say anything anymore.

I wouldn't care of he just signed it away as I want rid of the stress, despite the massive changes that would bring. He doesn't want to.

I just don't know what to do.

There's not much you can do.

If he wants to let his sister steal all his inheritance so she'll speak to him, then that's up to him.

Whether you find that an attractive and admirable quality in a partner is another thing entirely.

Thanks join. In an ideal world she would wake up and realise what she's doing is wrong, but I'm not holding my breath. I have however banned her from my house, and from seeing my children (it wasn't that often anyway, probably once/twice a year) DH hasn't told her, but I'm sticking firm. I know I would say something, and she doesn't deserve to see them when she's depriving them of a better life.

You need to see a solicitor, at the very least you need to ensure that he owns 50% of the house [as tenants in common] so that, if DH should die, it will be inherited according to his will. You have both made a will haven't you!

After all if you were both killed would you want your sil to be looking after your children with control over the money?

I am in the middle of changing from "joint tenants" to "tenants in common" - very quick and easy [and cheap]

Your DH (and DC) are also her only blood relatives and it does not seem to be impacting on her behaviour. Your DH cannot change her behaviour and he needs to see that he does not owe loyalty to soemoen who does nto feel it towards him.

Thanks jasmine that is something I'll get him to look into doing, he hasn't got a will so it would go to her. This makes me very angry! The kids would in that instance go to my mum, if something happened to her then they'll be with my dad

This is a good illustration why everyone should have an up to date will. Relying on the good nature of relatives to sort everything out amicably is a vain hope.

cogito that wouldn't stop her, after probate was done and her and dh were declared as the rightful recipients of his estate they are in exactly the same place as if he'd had a will. Where it gets interesting is that she was applied for and was granted probate, so she is responsible for dividing the estate fairly. It means a lot of trouble for her if he does ever press charges for fraud. Dh could also be granted probate if he wants, however it gives him no further rights than he has now, so he doesn't want to, for fear of upsetting her.

He can at least secure his 50% of the house simply by ensuring he is a 'tenant in common' not a joint tenant.

He can do this by downloading and completing a form from the Land Registry. Importantly it does not require her consent.

Thanks Kundry. Will she be told though? He'll probably think it will upset her

To be perfectly honest, if I were in your shoes I'd tell him he has a choice: get the money from her and stop allowing her to steal from him and the kids, which she is, or go there and move in with them because he's no longer welcome under my roof.

I'm not even joking. How dare he value you and your kids so little he'd rather his sister stole from you, than stand up to her? This is worse than the MIL purloining the 15k because that's selfish entitlement and this is outright, barefaced theft. And if they're that feckless it will all be spent soon enough, and without any comeback in financial terms because there won't be any cash to claw back.

I don't know but suggest you post on legal for advice.

I'd be pointing out in no uncertain terms that he is upsetting you and is that less important? I think perfectstorm has it perfectly.