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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am a right to be upset about this? - opinions please!

28 replies

tigertum · 10/07/2006 12:53

My DP and I have very little money. My Gran recently inherrited allot of money and sent us all £1000 of it which we are spending on French doors. My partner would have preferred to save it (he hates spending money) but I said I wanted to spend the money on something we could enjoy and we do have some savings already.

This weekend, my Gran also offered to send us some money so we could have a few days by the seasside. Not much, just enough for petrol and a nights accomodation and some left over etc. I haven't been to the sea-side for years and have been dreaming of us going with our 15 month old so he can run around on the beach and see the sea for the first time. My DP basically didn't want to go because he feels to proud to spend her money. He would therefore have a horrible time. He got very angry and upset about it and after accusations of 'hen-pecking/emotional blackmail' I eventually I gave in and said that we wouldn't go. I phoned my gran to tell her not to send the cheque. I'm gutted and could bearly look at him this weekend I was so upset. Have since apologised for this but I still feel upset.

Am I being a total child about this? Should I just let it go and keep the peace? Opinions please...

OP posts:
desperateSCOUSEwife · 10/07/2006 12:55

he sounds like he has his pride
and wants to be a provider

sit down talk and come to a compromise
xxx

Littlefish · 10/07/2006 12:58

I don't think you're being childish at all. What a lovely, kind gesture from your Gran. She is obviously getting a great deal of pleasure from being able to share her inheritance.

Does your husband feel that he should be the one to provide holidays? Is this making him feel insecure? Could you put the money from your Gran into your savings account for now, and in a few weeks time, bring the subject up again.

Feistybird · 10/07/2006 12:58

yes, can see both sides tbh. Don't let this kind offer come between the 2 of you.

tortoiseshell · 10/07/2006 12:58

What about a compromise where you really go on a shoestring (camping, nearest beach etc) and then you r gran can help you out - maybe by 'giving' the money to your ds?

Littlefish · 10/07/2006 12:58

Snap DSW!

Blu · 10/07/2006 13:00

Oooh, no, I think your dp is the one being unreasonable here.

It is a gracious and generous act to allow someone to give you something! It would have been kind and generous to you and to your gran to accept with plaesure, and let her know just how badly you needed a little holiday, and how much you appreciated it.

Your Gran has the money, she wanted to share it. What makes your dp so 'proud'? is he worried and feeling inadequate that he can't support you and your baby, or something? I thnk it was mean and controlling to talk of hen-pecked emotional blackmail, tbh.

In due course, some of this money would come to you anyway - perhaps your gran would have liked to see you enjoy it. She would have enjoyed a photo of your baby's first trip to the beach.

I don't know what i wuiold do now -but if i was you i would be preparing to be quite assertive with dp about who makes what decisions and why!

Carmenere · 10/07/2006 13:00

But a gift like that is not charity, it's a windfall that your gran wants to share, I would be upset at offending your gran tbh.
Not sure what to advise you, could you and ds go by yourselves. seems a bit mean that ds has to go without a treat because of dp's pride.

warthog · 10/07/2006 13:01

Hmmm i think your dp's pride is going a bit too far tbh. i would be very upset too, and don't see what you have to apologise for. it was a gift that she clearly wanted you to enjoy (the holiday i'm talking about). i think you should go on it and enjoy. should you be made to go through life refusing all treats? ridiculous!

about the £1000. i agree, saving is good, but as you say you're already doing that. if you want to spend it on something you'll enjoy day in and day out, why not?

a little story: my dh's gran was very thrifty - brought up 5 kids on her own after her husband died and her father gave away millions of pounds (another story!). she bought a new kitchen sink but decided she wouldn't use it so that it was in pristine condition for sale of the house when she died. consequently the sink cracked because it wasn't being used. so she denied herself the pleasure of using it in the mistaken belief that she was saving it.. for what? you only live once. enjoy the extra treats that come your way!

mell2 · 10/07/2006 13:02

cannot believe your dp would stop your 15mth old from visiting seaside for first time.

Why is it alright to accept £1000 but not the money for a few days away that would mean so much to you.

I feel really angry on your behalf.xxxxxxxxx

Original poster
tigertum · 10/07/2006 13:03

The problem is he doesn't want to accept the money. He feels he should be the one to pay for our holidays, which is very nobel, but if we can't pay for it ourselves and this is the only way to go, I dont see whats wrong with it. And my Gran does get pleaseure out of it. She is more upset about us not accepting the money TBH, but is a wise woman so understands.

I would love to go camping but DP has veto'd that idea because he thinks it would be a nightmare with our over-active 15 month old.

OP posts:
warthog · 10/07/2006 13:04

plus, my mum is on a pension. every now and again she expresses a wish - like going on holiday somewhere exotic and i have said many many times she should go, we'll pay for it. nothing would make me happier than for mum to go on a really nice holiday and enjoy herself. she always refuses. drives me up the wall.

ime it's harder to receive than give. i think your dh should accept the gift graciously, if not gratefully.

throckenholt · 10/07/2006 13:06

can you talk to your DP - explain your gran has had this windfall and she doesn't have anything else she wants to spend it on - and it is nice for her to be able to share it with you and give you all a treat. It isn't a comment on his ability to provide - just her wanting to share.

Ask him if he can graciously accept it in the spirit it was offered.

JessaJam · 10/07/2006 13:07

DP may have his pride, but he shouldn't let his pride get in the way of a treat for the family. Your Gran wants to see her money put to good use and being enjoyed.

Could you do some juggling and use your gran's money to pay a few bills, thereby allowing that money to pay for a seaside trip (it's just semantics I know, but sometimes it works.)
Also like the idea of doing the seaside on a shoestring so you only spend the bare minimum of your gran's money and coudl put rest into ds's child trust fund account maybe??

Original poster
tigertum · 10/07/2006 13:09

The problem is, I know for a fact if I bring it up again, I think he will go totally mental at me. He says I henpeck him until I get my own way and if I bring it up again, how can I deny that?

Is good to know that others can see why I'm upset and angry. We have big rows like this and eventually I start to question my own judgement.

OP posts:
Carmenere · 10/07/2006 13:11

Write him a letter - it really pisses me off when blokes use the nagging card when you just want to talk to them about something they don't want to discuss.

Blu · 10/07/2006 13:14

He is frightening you out of speaking!
It isn't 'hen pecking' to put a different point of view to him!
And he shouldn't be making you question your own judgement.
he doesn't won you, and i don't see that he should have the final veto over whether you accept a gift from your own gran.

If it was me, I would go on my own without him - it sounds as if he is being obstructive over any kind of holiday as many MN-ers go camping happily with 15month-old children. But of course you may not feel quite like that!

Original poster
tigertum · 10/07/2006 13:16

I get it all the sodding time Carmenere and I hate it because I don't like being/want to be a naggy person. If I think I've got a point I find it hard to drop the issue I suppose, but I dont think I nag as such.

Will think about the letter idea though.

OP posts:
mell2 · 10/07/2006 13:18

Agree with Blu, i would go on my own. Why can he say what you can and cannot accept from your own gran.

Original poster
tigertum · 10/07/2006 13:20

Blu, did actually suggest that but he said he wouldn't let me have the car! (I think it was said in anger to be fair though). I would actually go on my own with DS but I would be sad that DP isn't there and I would find it hard to forgive the fact that he has missed a lovely moment in DS's life because of this argument.

Maybe I should go my own. It would at least mean that DS gets the see the sea-side.

OP posts:
Original poster
tigertum · 10/07/2006 13:20

Blu, did actually suggest that but he said he wouldn't let me have the car! (I think it was said in anger to be fair though). I would actually go on my own with DS but I would be sad that DP isn't there and I would find it hard to forgive the fact that he has missed a lovely moment in DS's life because of this argument.

Maybe I should go my own. It would at least mean that DS gets the see the sea-side.

OP posts:
Carmenere · 10/07/2006 13:21

Actually the more I've been thinking about this the more I'm wondering what the hell has it to do with him if your gran wants to give you some cash? I wouldn't even begin to think of asking my dp if it was ok to accept a gift from my gran. Ring your gran today and apologise and say that you were temporarily insane and thought you needed dp's permission to accept her thoughtful and loving gift.

Original poster
tigertum · 10/07/2006 13:29

Got to go now, my DS has woken up. Thanks for the posts. Feell a bit more empowered to do something about it now! x x x

OP posts:
mazzystar · 10/07/2006 13:31

I was thinking along the same lines as you Carmenere. Is your Gran not allowed to give you a wee present? Does he refuse to accept gifts?

I can understand not wanting to feel beholden to anyone (but it doesn't sound like this lovely gesture comes with any strings) - he really is cutting off his nose to spite his face.

lorina · 10/07/2006 13:48

I understand exactly how your Dp feels.
Very similar situation . We did get a cheque for £2000 from an older relative of dh . The relative had come into an inheritance.
All dh's siblings got the same.

Although i was very grateful and we were very poor at the time.

But about a year later the same person gave us £750 to do up our bathroom. It was dh's relative and he accepted it ,but it make me furious.

I thought it was ok to give us the initial £2000 to do whatever we wanted with (went on double glazing) because it was our choice. But it really stuck in my throat when they gave the £750 to us for something specific. I felt like a right charity case and I didnt like it one little bit.

I bet your gran loves you to pieces and only wants to help , but I can still see your Dp's side too.
xx

LaDiDaDi · 10/07/2006 15:11

I used to feel guilty about accepting money/generous gifts from relatives but now i just accept them and appreciate them. My grandparents have nothing that they want to spend their money on for themselves, too old and ill for holidays etc so if they want to get some enjoyment and satisfaction from giving to me and dd then i let them.