How can we change?

[blueandyellowcup]

Just posted in aibu about an incident that happened this morning.

I am basically fed up with being undermined / over ruled and uninformed by dp.

I feel I have no say in my home apart from the trivialities.

For example he arranged a babysitter for his sick daughter the other day at a time when I would be home for some of the time. He told me when it was a fait accomplis despite me asking him what was happening and trying to discuss the options with him beforehand. He just got up and made phone calls leaving me sitting alone. There was no row or nastiness from either of us. I think he's just used to making decisions all day in his managerial job and then telling people what to do!

I never know when he will be in from work but he asks me every single day what time I will be home despite me working regular hours every week.

He agrees to house rules with me for the children but won't uphold them leaving me looking like the baddy and also never knowing what is happening.

For example if we agree our son won't stay out beyond 9, then he drops him off and agrees with son that 9.30 is fine. If I try and say anything, he says he's the one doing the running around, so doesn't understand why I'm annoyed.

He does try and include me but its just that - "trying". I don't feel like he has a lot of respect for my feelings.

Does sound like steam-rollers you and isn't especially consistent. Does he know you're pissed off or does he think he's doing you a favour, relieving you of all these decisions? Do you think you're going to have to inject a bit of 'nastiness' ie. pull him up more, to get him to take you seriously?

We were having a big talk about it this morning when the carpet fitter arrived. He said he was really going to try and was mortified that I felt I didn't want to be at home because of it.

Less than five mins later he had undermined me to the carpet fitter!

And did you point that out? That what he said to the carpet fitter was undermining you? Have you been together long? Are you second time around-ers if he has a DD? Is he used to being in a household of one and making all the decisions?

Sorry for all the questions... context is everything :)

"I think he's just used to making decisions all day in his managerial job and then telling people what to do!"

As an aside... being a successful manager usually means bringing your team along with your decisions rather than being a tin-pot dictator. The person I worked with once who behaved this way was ex-army.... he wasn't popular or successful.

We both left just after the carpet fitter incident but I have text him about it and he acknowledges he made a mistake.

He was a part time single parent for a couple of years, I was for 8 years.

Second relationships for both of us.

If he acknowledges he made a mistake, it's a start at least. But 'sorry' is no good without follow-up. How long have you lived together?

It's been 4 years living together and I'm very sick of having this conversation!

Oh dear. I was hoping it was a fairly recent thing and you were just engaging in a bit of early-day boundary-setting and bad habit-cracking. This sounds like his default setting. You either suck it up, let him keep steamrollering and do nothing (not recommended). Or you challenge him every time he does it, set up some family meetings, demand to be art of the decision-making and kick up a stink when it doesn't happen (wearing). Or you decide it's too bad to fix, part ways, and you return to your lone parent status.

You're right about it being wearing.

But, to answer your thread title directly, 'we' can't change. You can change your approach but him changing his approach depends entirely on him. What are the consequences of him not changing at the moment?

Ultimately it's only seeing me upset and annoyed that is his consequence and I think it's that needs to change.

I don't know how though.

Your feelings are not motivation enough, clearly. In which case you have to up the ante and find something that actually matters to him enough to motivate. Sadly, it may have to be the relationship itself... with you being prepared to follow through if he fails to comply.

Well this time a year ago I was all set to leave. Made plans to go.

We went to counselling and he did change massively. He now sits and listens where before he dismissed me completely. A big change.

However, unless he's prepared to actually make the changes, words aren't enough.

I feel cared about and listened to when I tell him how I feel but he's undermining it by not following through.

I keep thinking of silly little consequences like not being around when he invites people round or not coming home when he expects me but it feels so petty but I do feel a bit helpless.

I do believe he wants to change but think his behaviour is so ingrained.

My dh has a slight tendency to do this. I told him either he's in a relationship and shares decisions or he's single and decides everything himself. His choice. I also made sure he rectified any situation in which he didn't refer to me - at times causing him a fair bit of embarrassment. He still has small lapses now and again that I ignore and he is far better at discussing things.

I'm seriously considering not doing things with him such as entertaining his friends, going out to dinner, keeping him informed of my plans and those of the kids.

I am thinking of behaving like a lodger, which is how I feel when he behaves like this.

Of course being a lodger means doing less around the home too.

I think it would upset him very much and get the message across in a way that talking doesn't seem to be doing.

Or am I being childish?

I think that you can either go the route of picking him up on every single time he lapses - and from that sound of it that in itself will make him realise the relationship is in deep trouble - and make him make up for it as cailin did (nothing drives the point home aas fast as taking consequences) or you can go the lodger route.

If you do, you need to warn him and also, you need to be aware that if you're resorting to that desperate level of games-playing then its very possible the relationship is on the rocks anyway, but either way he's got to realise that.

When my husband and I were nearly going separate ways because he refused to listen to anything, even the most reasonable comment, and tried to control and fight over everything, I admit I went into the cold sulks of not speaking to him for days. Childish and behaviour that actually I despise. But it actually -worked- and for one reason; he didnt realise how impossible he was, it woke him up to the fact that I really didnt want to be anywhere near him and he did love me and wanted the relationship to succeed. That last thing was vital.

(i dropped the sulkign the very second that I could, which was as soon as he showed that he would be willing to actually listen to something, anything, I said and not use it as an excuse to put me down).

So sometimes being childish works - if the other half is really invested in the relationship. If. But it's a last resort and if you can, I'd advise taking the more mature path first.

I'm home now and he's acknowledged he's done wrong and says (again) that he will try harder.

To be honest I feel "yeah yeah, nada nada".

I do think I've got to let him have some consequence. Apart from everything else I'm fed up being upset.

He's organising a big charity do and has invited fellow organisers to our house tomorrow night. He will very much want me to be lady of the house for that.....dishing out cakes and glasses of wine....

I might have to give a cheery wave to the kids 10 mins before they're all due to arrive, leaving him having to do it alone, whilst I go and see my friend.

With respect, that's going down the passive aggressive route and he's simply not going to get a message that subtle. Tell him now that you're not going to be in tomorrow night and you have other plans. Be up front and assertive rather than expecting him to pick up on hints

I take your point but if I tell him now, it's forewarning him and one of the frustrating behaviours in him is that he will make a plan with me then change it at the last minute and just expect me to suck it up.

I suppose I just want him to understand how it feels.