Tricky SIL situation

[Mrspaddy]

A year ago at a family function, it was clear my husbands sister mocks me as her child was sitting next to me and she innocently said, oh mum said this and that..
She basically said oh I love your earring but mum said you are like the gypsies. I was o hurt. I tend to be self conscious anyway. I thought the child might of mixed things up when SIL shouted across the dinner table oh are your nails fake.. Then it hit me what a bitch she is.

I didn't say anything as I love my parents in laws but dh told mil and she was disgusted but warned us not to say anything.

That new year she had a party and we didn't go. I have not made any contact with her since a senile we used to call in if in the area, haven't called in. She asked mil was there a problem, mil said no.

So that was that. She probably thinks I am an odd fish as she doesn't know I can't stand the sight of her.

But I hate the falseness. A bit of me wants to say something to her. We have a christening coming up and also our turn to go to mil for Christmas dinner ..I will have to bite. Tongue.

Also dh wants her to be godmother .. He has only one sister. I will go along with this. I don't have sisters or friends of same religion .. It is only a formality to me as she will always be in our child's life as an aunt anyway. Now dh says she has a present for me and for the baby. Why is she getting me a present?

That was not meant to say senile.. Since then

I don't see why these examples you have given make her a bitch. Asking if someones nails are false-- seems reasonable and l have done this myself as they looked so good on my friend. Also there is nothing wrong with having earings like gypsies.
From these examples l think you are being a wee bit precious

Were your nails fake? Or very long? Or beautifully manicured?
Did she say anything negative about your earrings?

TBH it all sounds like a massive storm in teacup and SiL is probably trying to be pleasant while oblivious of the hurt you are feeling. Perhaps she got you and the baby a present because she thought it was a nice thing to do you and your baby.

Well if nobody has told her she has offended you then how is the poor woman supposed to react to being snubbed by you and DP?
She is getting mixed signals - you have stopped contact yet asked her to be a godmother. Maybe she has bought you a present as a way of making the peace.

I think you haven't necessarily handled it very well. It's not fair to cut someone out without telling them. If you have an issue with her you should tell her why you think like that - she wouldn't have known why you were hurt because she asked whether you had false nails

Yeah I know it mixed signals. Believe me I don't like the situation, it probably seems precious or silly and I know people can be spiteful and she didn't think she wouldn't get caught out on a comment or two.

It was certainly not a compliment how she said it. It wasnt a one of either, at my hen she mocked my friend about her age, she tells her mother her hair embarrasses them when out shopping.

So its not just you then so it obviously isn't personal - she just isn't a very nice person.
A colleague at work is like that, very scathing and sarcastic with people but we all roll our eyes and laugh at her when she makes one of her comments.
I know its hard but she is your DH's sister. You need to either tell her to STFU or ignore it.

Time to bring out the old Mumsnet favourite "Did you mean to be so rude?" when ever she comments on anything of yours.

If she's got a sharp tongue, dish it back. Have some witty answers prepared rather than biting your tongue. Give as good as you get. I'm not hot on 'did you mean to be so rude'. My response to 'are your nails fake?' would have been 'no and neither are my tits!!'

I think I need to grow a thicker skin. At least better the devil you know. I don't mock people so I like to think everyone is nice but then you get a root up the arse and realise that's not real life.

I usually find "I can't believe you said that out loud!" works a treat. It embarrasses the person and makes people laugh.

A root up the arse is rough... IME a thick skin, sharp elbows and some acid put-downs will serve you much better in life than getting chronically offended, scuttling off and hiding.

But Cogito I know if I were to come back with that sort of response over a Christmas dinner table, the room would fall silent just as I'd utter the word tits which would make me very embarrassed and draw attention to me and not the person originally making the impolite comment (not sure if MrsPaddy would feel the same way).

Perhaps try replying to your SIL "I was brought up not to say anything if I couldn't say something nice, something that seems a little foreign to you then SIL" and then carry on a conversation with another person at the table.

If your DH is noticing that his sister is more than a little blunt with her topics of conversation, perhaps he could have a quiet word with his sister before dinner is served (before you even get to the house I'd recommend) so that she is aware of her conversation topics and what will not be allowed. She is an adult and while your niece is only learning from her example you can certainly pick your SIL up on what she says and how she says it.

You mention that your DH wants her to be godmother to your child - I'd actually suggest that as you mention she will always be an aunt so she doesn't need another role and could someone else that you are close to fulfil this role for your child?

I'm sure the OP wouldn't use that example verbatim :) But the point is that, when you're dealing with someone who gets away with being abrasive all the time, the polite riposte so often goes right over their head. Because these people are a bit thick IME.... they excuse their behaviour as 'blunt' or 'speak as I find' or 'a sense of humour' and they're really not bothered by anyone's good opinion. So a smart-mouthed put-down that makes them look a bit silly is a better move than getting all Lady Grantham. IYKWIM.