So confused, thinking of leaving partner

[JoRich77]

Hi

I have a 6 month old baby girl and relationship with my partner has been rocky for over a year now. My partner has been through a bad patch with his brother and friend passing away suddenly (but that was over 2 years ago now). He used to work away, 1 month away and 1 month home before we had the baby but gave it up as he was unhappy working away. He said he needed 'time out' after everything he had been through and i accepted this. Its been over a year and he hasnt worked (although done some voluntary work). He used to be a happy go lucky person who lighted up my day and he is not the person i feel in love with. He has been very short tempered, snappy and controlling (telling me what to do alot of the time)- if he gets annoyed he goes into silent mode (doesnt talk to me for days) so I walk around treading on egg shells. The last time he did this I treatened to take baby to stay with my folks and he said if I ever did that then he would refuse to let me back in the house so I didnt go. He has also before said if i leave then he will take care of the baby- i could never leave her of course. Its not all bad, we do have our good times but they seem few and far between at the moment. I have a lot on my plate, I have gone back to work part time (he looks after baby) and am also running a website business. I want him to go back to work or at least get some part time work but he flat right refuses, says he feels physically sick at the thought of doing a 9-5 job. At the moment he is able to financially support us through savings that he has. He went back to work through my own choice as I needed to get some of my old like back and i needed the space as just too much time together. He wants me to work on the business all the time as he thinks it will provide an income in the long term as it doesnt at the moment but he almost bullies me into it, saying this and that needs to be done, why isnt this happening..so much so that I feel immobilised.

I have to think very hard if I love him, I think I still do. Whats messed with my mind is that he recently took off to Australia to see his family (went with 4 days notice). I obviously wasnt happy about that but the truth is me and baby managed perfectly fine without him and I felt so refreshed having the space and I didnt feel i was on the emotional rollercoaster. He was gone for 12 days and I didnt really miss him to be honest, thats not right is it? It just made me think that life wouldnt be so bad without him.

I just dont know what I want, he is a good dad and deep down a good person I know but everyday feels like a struggle for me. The last week or so I have started to feel physically sick and have no apetite..just feels like it is really affecting me. We have been for couple counselling before several times but we just dont seem to get anywhere with it and I've kind of lost faith.

Just so confused, any advice please? Just feel so alone as cant really share with any friends or family.

My first thought is to ask whether he's consulted anyone about what sounds like the depressive symptoms he's displaying?

I thought depression too.

Not that this means you shouldn't leave if it has come to a natural end anyway.

Was the couples' counselling in response to the same problems you have described here, or did something else prompt it?

He sounds depressed.
Having said that, being depressed does not give you carte blanche to be nasty, selfish and controlling.

However, as he is not working, and you do, I think he will be seen as the priamary carer as the sahd. I think you may need some legal advice?

Sounds like you could do with a break from him to think and clear your head.

He sounds like he has issues and needs counselling on his own and address what is bothering him and getting him down

Either way you both sound miserable and he's using emotional blackmail on you by threatening to keep your daughter if you left or not let you back in. He actually hasn't said he doesn't want you to go has he? More that you can go but don't expect to come back.

It's more what isn't being said. If you go, he'll have no income coming in eventually once the savings have gone and he'll have to get a job then

Thanks everyone

Yes, we initially had counselling because of his behaviour but he denies he has depression. He is in denial about so many things..

He things all our issues are down to me, and I am the one who needs counselling. Im not sure he would go back as a couple but I am going to have some sessions as finding it really hard to cope.

Yep am worried about the legal issues of custody with me working just scared of the whole go it alone thing to be honest

No he hasnt told me to go but we had a chat this morning and i just didnt know how to make things work as we both making each other unhappy and he said I should go if that is the case. He means go on my own and leave the baby..

My mind just feels all messed up at the moment..

I'm sorry but I don't see a future here. If he has undiagnosed and untreated mental health problems then you are under no obligation to stick around taking further punishment. You need to have his behaviour on record if you're thinking of splitting and I would strongly recommend you get legal advice quite urgently if he's making threats. As for leaving your 6mo baby with him and going..... he really is delusional

I think you need to see a family solicitor/lawyer.
Find out that your rights are concerning baby and custody etc...
Is the house mortgaged in both your names? Is it rented in both your names?

He also needs to go to a GP as I also think he sounds depressed.
What he has been through is a lot and if he's done nothing to deal with it then it needs to be tackled.

Crisis are meant to be a great organisation for people in your DP situation. He could give them a call as a first off to see what he thinks.

But.... at the end of the day, if he isn't prepared to address his problems then you need to seriously consider your future with him.

Yes the house is jointly mortgaged. It is my belief that he has mental health issues but how I get him to get help I dont know. I will get some legal advice as need to know where I stand. Just wish I had somewhere I could go for some time out with baby. Yep he is dillusional about most things..

Oh dear, he sounds a bit beyond any help you could give him. It's not your job to force him to address his problems, or take the fallout from when he doesn't.

When you say you can't really talk to friends or family, do you mean they wouldn't be supportive? It does sound like a tricky one to express without copping a load of the usual "relationships take work" stuff. If you know anyone IRL who would be at all supportive, I would start confiding in them now, especially if he's making legal threats.

Do you have family or friends you could go to visit for a few days?

I have family but they are a fair distance and they dont have space but I guess they'll make space.My mum knows what I am going through but she doesnt support me leaving, says I need to stay for baby. But then she has lived in an unhappy marriage all her life. All our friends are couple friends which makes things difficult.