Alone, tricky relationships..being resilient

[Salbertina]

Ongoing marital difficulties since forever; dysfunctional family broke ties with last year; feel rather taken for granted by needy friend (never there for me in return) and other friends melted away after dh and i separated (together now). I realise i was too needy then when others had stuff to deal with too.

Not feeling much of a 'catch' friend wise- cant help feeling deeply bitter and cynical about it all. Lots of above stuff still processing esp re my own parents. Fine here if you're fun and ok or helping others, but dropped like a hot brick if trouble looms and get a reputation. Am overseas in somewhat superficial environment.

Trying not to sink further into my pity-party and to develop my resilience muscle. Any tips, please?

How supportive is your husband?

If you're isolated in overseas accommodation and you've got a poor/shallow selection of people to choose from for friends, then the resilience probably has to come from being a lot more selfish and a lot less concerned about what others think. As with the PP I wonder how supportive your DH is and why you separated in the first place. Was trust lost at the time? Do you feel you've compromised?

Thanks, guys. Dh been supportive in the past re parents etc but doesn't get why I'm not over it now...lomg story re split- due to his actions at time but mainly our constant fights, often hostile home environment, lovely hey? But yep, starting to feel -fucking-- selfish but i feel so ANGRY so struggle to keep it in. Sometimes feel am (silently) railing at everyone

What is it you're railing about exactly? Loneliness? The marital difficulties? Isolation? ... Can you pinpoint what it is you're angry about? Why do you feel you have to keep silent?

I feel stuck - here, with dh. I feel v v let down and no foundation of parents to rely upon, no unconditional love. Feel v angry with them, v sad and v bitter- makes me doubt depth/possibility of decent relationships or being loved.

Ashamed to say feel jealous as HELL of those with supportive, loving parents and/or dhs. I have neither but am aware that nothing is as it seems, life not easy for anyone.

Sadly, the parents we get are just the luck of the draw. You don't choose them, they don't choose you and if you get a bad bunch it's incredibly tough, but there's not a lot you can do about it. But partners are optional... we choose those. If you don't feel loved or in a decent relationship with your DH that doesn't mean that no relationships can work. Just that this one specifically isn't working. Are you regretting the reconciliation?

You're right, Cog. Just primitive brain
can't rationalise it. I feel too unfounded to know whether i regret reconciliation- for kids' sake, no. And hell of a thing to leave when overseas (no right to work here so dependent, cant take kids without permission etc etc). Often i think this is as good as it gets and i expect too much. He's not a bad man, just supremely arrogant confident and blames our issues/dynamic on my issues. Plus often undermines me in front of kids and does that stonewalling thing. But then I'm not an angel either! Currently i feel little for him in terms of love/respect/affection.

No-one's an angel. I'm certainly not. :) You didn't actually have to write that last sentence because the rest says it all really. You feel physically limited owing to the location and some obligation to your DCs, and you don't think you deserve kindness, respect, support or consideration because of your 'no angel' status. You haven't even fallen back on the old stand-bys of 'he provides for us' or 'he's good to the kids'. There's just nothing positive.

I guess i meant i am and have been hard work and said some horrible things over the years. Dh hardened and resigned to it, not so a few years ago.

I need to learn better resilience, be more self contained not be so needy and expecting of others. Tips appreciated!

Wait a minute. How does being hard work and saying horrible things result in you having to stay in a bad marriage? Why do you now see this as an exercise in endurance and survival? This is your life you're talking about... and you're approaching it in the defeatist manner of someone preparing for an indefinite stay in a correctional institute. Why have you decided you are not deserving of happiness?

I guess several things - yep, old chestnut self-worth (thank you parents), plus current situation i cant easily leave because of kids, need to ease out of it. So much to untangle and 2sets of law involved. Cant believe dh really happy either! He really must have low expectations

And i guess I'm not being clear. I don't feel i need to learn better resilience to stay. I need it -as a life skill- to develop the strength to (probably) walk away in future, to deal with my parents without feeling quite so gutted and to expect less of my friends and not need them to feel the gaps.

Have you looked into any inner child healing? Where our childhood lacked the nuturing that we needed and deserved healing from that can help.Maybe have a look at some books on the subject, Margaret Paul is recommended.I can imagine how alone you feel and the resilience will be within you but you may need to understand how to nurture and givevto yourself.Its a skill that a lot of us don't have.

Sometimes, if you wait to be in the right mindset, it never happens. IME it's occasionally necessary to take the leap of faith, act first, and the strength and resilience comes from finding you can deal with the reality after all.