I am not a liar.....

[tinyturtletim]

After 25 years of abuse physical but the biggest scars are emotional, I went no contact when my family at the start of the year.

I went to therapy with my mum and she sat there and admitted my step dad did used to beat me they lied to police, my school my friends. They made me have noone growing up

I want to track everyone down and tell them she admits it and I am not the troubled person they say I am. I have been judged in so many ways

The worst of all is she says I deserved it.

That's a dreadful story and I'm sorry you had to experience abuse. If she says you deserved it - which is an appalling thing to say - I take it she hasn't apologised? I understand why you'd want others to know the truth. Is there any possibility of getting justice legally? Is this man still alive? If you have done your best to live well in spite of everything, you may not have been judged as harshly as you think. Was there ever anyone on your side?

At least you got some closure in her admitting it.

She would say you deserved it. That's probably how she justifies it to herself. Otherwise she'd have to admit she was an abuser too, for failing to protect you. She must have known it was wrong, as she lied to the police.
On the other hand, have you considered that she could be scared of him? And that she's ashamed of admitting to it, even now?

Although it is understandable that you want to shout it to the world, particularly to the people who didn't believe you the first time, you must be careful not to become too preoccupied with that.
Are any of those people important to you? Even so, would you ever want them in your life again, if they didn't believe you the first time?
And what to gain from it? Personally, if I was going to do something would be so that they know that their passiveness enabled the abuse and damaged you. And I'd hope that realising the damage, they would believe an abused's story next time.

I tell you what you deserve; a better deal than the one you got!

No-one deserves to be abused.

She doesn't deserve to have a child that talks to her.

I hope that you can leave her behind and regain a decent life with decent people around you.

Keep talking to us, we know how hard this stuff is.

She isn't / wasn't scared of him. She was very much involved in it all, for example she would press the buttons to make him fly at me. There was an incident last year where she lied about doing something to me I called her up on it and she denied everything which led to me being screamed and shouted at for over an hour.

She has said she loves me but I don't believe her, she just wants to see her grandchildren.

When we were at the counselling session she kept saying that she protects me I asked if letting my step father smack me round the face at 13 was protection she replied to me saying that I deserved it for being mouthy to her and running away from home. I was desperate to get away from them, I begged the police to take me into care but somehow they convinced them I was lying, they got a friend to come and scare me into going to her house. The police left me there and I got told off for telling lies.

I have never had anyone on my side or believe what I say until my husband came along

She probably wants to keep controlling you. :(

NC is probably the best. And to let go until it's a distant memory, by comparison to the wonderful life you are going to have.

I think you should get the counsellor to write to the police regarding the disclosure and get your police files corrected. They will have formed an incorrect impression of you. If you report any crime they will see the false information.

tiny bless you, sweetheart. The journey to healing begins now.
You have a counsellor and a husband who believe you. That is the most major step in reaching a place of peace after so many years of abuse - and the mental abuse of denial and twisting is as harmful as the scars which may show more physically.

Are you continuing to see a therapist?
IMO it is vital when you have been through this sort of childhood. The stuff is really too deep seated for a short 8 or 12 week course.
It helps too, if you are in therapy when you are going NC.

And no contact is totally the right thing for you. These people have no right to be a part of your life. You don't need them.

There is only one way from here....and it is up and up and up
Not an easy path, but every single step is confirmation that you are a good and normal person who is now free to live the life she deserves.

....and all the moral support in the world for you, here!!

Very good point.

Ups, by deepfried.

Do you think that is something that the counsellor could do?

There is still a massive stress, a while back they instructed mediation as a first step towards taking us to court to see the children. When I confronted her about this (she was seeing the kids at the time go figure) she said she wanted to make sure it is regular.

I am going to continue seeing the therapist she is lovelyshe even ended the session with my mum because of how vile it got she was truly shocked.

Is this an awful thing... I miss my dad, even though he was so awful to me he alsp protected me against others in the last 6 months we formed some sort of bond and I began to actually like him as a person. My dh thinks I am mad for saying it but it is weird

You don't go to mediation with a abusive bully. Mediation is only useful for reasonable people. You either ignore her or get a good lawyer to write back and say 'nice try sunshine'. Grandparents have zero rights where grandchildren are concerned.

What are you getting out of having a relationship with her still?

She said you didn't lie, admitted that they lied, but that you deserved it. She gave with one hand & took away with the other.

I don't think you will ever get what you need from her.

You are an adult, yet one of them screamed at you for an hour recently. Are these the grandparents you want your children to have?

tiny however wrong it was to put you into mediation with one of your abusers, it has turned out to be the best thing that could possibly have happened to you. You have a professional on your side, able to report to the courts that your mother admitted the abuse!!

That is about as big a "win" as you could wish for.
That is what you really need to take on board now.
It is finally out there - on record from the horses mouth!

That is truly a red letter day.

So she took you to court to get access to her grandchildren, who she was seeing anyway?

This is odd.. she said she wanted to make sure it is regular I think she has a hidden agenda!

You are not mad, you are clinging to the small piece of kindness your dad offered to you. Why wouldn't you.

Any counsellor worth their salt makes confidentiality clear, the woman admitted lieing to police and abusing you, the counsellor can write to SS, court and police in your circumstances, cp for your dc.

I think they have a hidden agenda over the children too. I think they want them.

I will definitely keep in mind that the counsellor can report to the courts of what has been said.

different it has taken a long time for me to break away, they had this hold over me which has made me feel like I can have noone but them and now if me and dh were to break up or something terrible happened to him I would have noone to turn to.

They have no rights. They can have all the hidden agendas they like but they have no legal rights to even see your children.

Second what cognito said, they have no rights at all.

If you feel like you have no one, then find some friends. If the children are school age, help out at the school, go to baby playgroups if they are younger. Build a life for self that doesn't leave you relying on them. :)

It's all about your dc and their rights to contact, so you change it and protect yourself rather than defend yourself, now you change you are proactive rather than reactive. Break the cycle protect your dc and get the letters sent out before the councellor does it off their own back or you will be viewed as not protecting your dc.

Deep what do you mean by not protecting my dc? The counsellor knows they have not seen the children for well over a month now

Do they have unsupervised contact? Do your dc see you spoken to as you were to the counsellor? Are your dc spoken to like that?

Don't worry tiny.
You are not failing to do anything.
Just taking it step by step, which is what you need to do right now.
Your counsellor is on your side, so please talk to her about anything which comes up on this thread which might concern you.

One day at a time.
(and, sometimes, just an hour at a time is good enough!)

deep they used to but they haven't for a while now. My dd witnessed me being shouted at which is what causes me to realise the situation is wrong and not normal in anyway.

festive thank you :-) I went and got myseld some anxiety pills which are definitely helping me

Keep strong, and cut contact. Insist on the court being dropped as there are no GP rights, especially when they've admitted abuse of their own children'

You all have a right to safety.