Help, what should I do???

[Birdywingz]

I am new on here and have been reading posts on here for weeks. I have finally managed to pluck up the courage to put words to paper so to speak. I just need some clarity on my situation and any words of advice would be greatly received. Please bear with me.

I've been married to Dh for over 13 years we have Dcs together. My Dh was picked for me by my parents with my consent (arranged marriage). It was hard at the beginning as we didn't know each other and had a difficult few years. Then the kids came along but things never really changed. We don't argue, he's good with Dcs, but we just don't get on and never really have. We live in the same house, we both have good jobs, friends, great lifestyle etc - to the outside world it looks perfect. Yet I am deeply unhappy, very lonely and feel like I'm in mourning, lost in my thoughts.

I think I'm drip feeding, I'm not sure what I'm asking, I think it's all come out muddled. I just feel very sad like I live a robotic life.

Thank you for reading and I'm happy to answer any questions, it might help me make sense of it all.

What would you like to change, in an ideal world, forgetting about all the ramifications of splitting from your husband, what would you need to change to be happy and fulfilled in your life?

I'm sorry to hear. Do you love your husband? Does he make you happy? If not, you do have a choice. And you only have one life to live. Im your you'd be a much healthier mum to your dcs if u were happy.

What do you think will make you happy?

Have you ever felt in love with him do you think? Were you ever happy within this marriage?

Picture your life in 5 years' time. what does it look like?
Are you on your own somewhere (with DCs), or are you with your DH?
What job are you doing?

what - in your future - is making you happy and fulfilled and satisfied?

I think that if you can separate the 'now' from the 'desired future' you will perhaps be able to clarify what it is that you want.

And when you have that picture of the ideal future in your head, then you can work towards it.

I feel we all have a duty to live our lives to the best of our own expectations and capabilities - not what someone else expects of us.

but it takes HUGE courage to pursue this. GO FOR IT! and be true to your developing, evolving self, who will be a different person every day.

Thank you for your replies. In an ideal world I would like to be happy, be with some I love, be able to talk to them, share things, have a laugh and feel close to them where you can just go and hug them. I feel incredibly lonely, I don't have any of this and this has just made me cry -first time in years. I think I have bottled it up for so long.

I think I'm just hiding behind the Dcs at the moment and the future scares me when they grow up and leave home. It will be just me and Dh.

I don't think I have ever loved him, I have just accepted the situation and learnt to live with it. I blame myself for the situation I am in as I did have a choice at the time.

Dh doesn't make me happy, and I don't think he ever will. He provides everything materialistically, yet emotionally there is nothing. I do think he loves me, yet I feel nothing and wonder if it is me that is the problem.

I do agree that as a mother I could be a lot better towards my Dcs yet I manage to mask things put all my feelings to the side and essentially live for them - a lie.

are you worried that if you were to change something i.e. talk openly about your unhappiness and perhaps discuss divorce or separation from your Dh that your family (parents, siblings etc) are going to put pressure on you?

Yes anti, exactly that, that you have dcs, he's a good dad, lovely home etc why would you want to ruin that. I can't talk to anyone in RL, as I would be the one in the wrong, wanting to break everything up. For all these years I have buried my feelings, maybe trying to please others and I have let myself down. I can't turn the clock back, I wish i could and yet I don't have the courage to break this cycle - which is what it feels it is to me.

So for a quiet life I've stayed in this marriage.

I'm told that, when people are on their death bed, it's not the mistakes they've made in their life that they regret but the opportunities they didn't take. You can't turn the clock back and you're clearly hidebound by a lot of sub-cultural, misogynistic expectations that women are expected to to do as they're told and be grateful. But this is 2013, the UK operates gender equality, women have choices and it's a question of finding the right support to enable you to take them

Have you spoken to your DH and told him that you're unhappy and would like to separate? If he's a decent man, he won't stand in your way.

It is also possible that he has similar feelings to you.

You could start bringing up the subject and see how he feels about your marriage.
Things may even change and you might connect if you talk.
But, pretending that all is well is damaging for you and it's likely that your children sense that not all is well, anyway...

Thank you for your replies, they really have made me look at my life and question why I am here in this marriage. I think you are right I need to talk to him and find a way of moving forward. Culture and family aside, I just don't want to let my Dcs down but things can't carry on like they are. I hope I find the courage to take the steps to leave and move on with my life. I know it wont be easy but anything is be better then living like this as the unhappiness is destroying the person I am. Thank you again for your support.