Left feeling Paranoid and Insecure

[Saz83]

Not really sure how to start this but have been with my husband 14yrs married for 2 We have a little Boy who 2yrs. Everything seems to have gone wrong in the last 5 months. I feel totally Paranoid and insecure about us, it all started with fb my OH starting sneaking on it, then lying about going on it when i knew he'd been on he said he felt like i always nagged at him for being on it thats why he sneaked on it. Obviously i thought he was hiding something. He went on a stag wk-end but wasnt going tell me he went to a lap dancing club until i asked him 2wks after and he said yes, but why did he keep that from me in the first place if i hadnt of asked he would never of said, swears he never got a lap dance which i believe him now but didnt at the time. Went to use his internet on his phone one day he'd been looking at porn videos, and Another time found videos of women on You-Tube, I know most men look at porn but i guess i didnt think he looked at it but its left me feeling like im not good enough /insecure, thinking is he comparing me to them, do they look better than me, I'd found that he'd searched a woman on FB her profile picture was her squatting in her underwear, said he was looking for someone he used to go to school with, she wasnt the person he wanted to find but came across her coz she had the same name!. I know some people might think im over reacting but these things really upset me cried so much lately its mainly the lies and sneaking because now i dont know if he telling me the truth and find myself over thinking things ive started over analyzing things constantly making digs at him and i feel like im pushing him away, if i get something in my head it wont go until i get an answer. I accuse him of things that he hasn't done i feel like im constantly looking for things now, i hate the way he has made me feel about myself/us. He's apologized for making me feel this way but he says he cant control the thoughts in my head. He doesn't know what else to do other than reassure me everything is ok with us and ive nothing to worry about I have been tempted to go see someone to talk about things but not sure what to do.

'Paranoia' is the irrational fear and hatred of things. The things you're describing might not be a problem if they were in isolation but, add them all together, and your mistrust of his pattern of behaviour is quite rational. He's taking the piss.

Rather than making digs and acting in a passive-agressive way, however, you need to call him out on it. And rather than allowing him to make you feel bad about yourself, direct your anger where it properly belongs.

Thanks for your response, I Just wonder what else he has lied about whether hes sneaking still behind my back, It's the feeling he's hiding things from me, i don't know whether he's telling the truth about things now or whether i should be worried, He's deactivated his FB now , its probably worse because loads of things have happened in such a short space of time. I'm just left thinking all things and feel like i'm waiting for something else to happen. Just not sure how to move on, but i need to i think otherwise ill ruin our relationship.

When it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck.... trying to convince yourself it's actually a dog and thinking you have to 'move on' will make you ill.

You need to set this out in words of one syllable for him. He stops lying, sneaking around and accusing you of it being all in your mind or there's no future for you. And then you operate 'zero tolerance' and the next time you find he's lied, he's out. Then it's his choice whether to behave in a trustworthy manner or not. Harsh, but fair.