Long running saga of me trying to come to terms with the abusive childhood that has caused me mental health issues as an adult. I had to have therapy as I was literally paralysed with panic attacks and extreme anxiety and after a lifetime of disassociation, I finally woke up to my scapegoat role with the help of a wonderful therapist!
Mother went nuts when first confronted (as did siblings). Denied it, minimised it, told me to get over it (we're taking sexual, physical and psychological abuse here), said I deserved all I got as I was utterly 'evil' etc. I was still deep in the FOG then and was desperate to continue contact even though she had started name calling and favouritism with my DCs 
. I was bloody stupid!
Anyway there were still questions I needed answers to (concerning my absent father who I lost contact with for 32 years) that she refused to discuss and told me that she would never speak to me again unless I shut up about it. Then followed 6 months of NC where I was left out of several big family events (which were pasted all over facebook) and I was really in pain about it so I had to practically beg my mother to speak to me again and after keeping me waiting for over a month, she agreed to a face to face meeting (her idea as she wanted to tell me 'the truth to my face').
So a few weeks ago I drove over 2 hours, highly agitated as I was worried about what she had to tell me, to meet her in the garden of a stately home (ha bloody ha). I started off by telling her that I did not mean to cause her upset by bringing all this up but I had to for my own mental health. She then started saying ‘do you think you’re the only person to have panic attacks, I’ve had loads’ etc. She spun the usual line that I was attention seeking and she worked 3 jobs to feed us and had to starve etc. She used to compare me to my paternal grandmother when I was young but I have no memory of her. I said to her ‘do you remember that you used to call me a FAT, UGLY, STINKING BITCH just like ‘his’ mother’? She replied, well yes, you were. That answer alone validated all my childhood memories. I was a stick like child and very pretty 
. Too bad I can only see that now 35 years later.
After that we got to talking about my DCs and I said I did not want her seeing them as I felt that contact with her would be harmful to them and I would not allow her to damage them as she had damaged me. She went puce with rage and called me ‘disgusting’, said she would get my stepfather to sort me out (ha) and said it’s always been ‘all about me’. Then stormed off. I waited a while as I hoped she would come back but then saw her leaving through the gate with my stepfather. I tried to ring her later and she texted back that I was never to contact her again and she would be emailing all my siblings to tell them every word I’d said to her.
Apart from the validation I mentioned above, the other thing that came out was that for the first time ever, she told me that my father left her, packed his bags and went. I (and my siblings) had always been led to believe that she left him in fear of her life as he was a violent abusive drunk. I have always wondered why she allowed him to take us kids out unsupervised after the divorce, and until we moved across the country if he was violent, and why she would apparently scream at him in front of us on the doorstep if he brought us back early if she was so afraid of him. There was no court ordered access. This I got from my father who insisted her version was all lies. Part of the reason I never built a relationship with him again was because of what I was brought up by her to believe and I still don’t know what to believe. He said he could not bear seeing us kids crying at the shouting so he decided not to see us anymore.
If you have got this far, I still don’t know how to feel. There is no going back with my mother and my siblings too it seems. It’s all so shit and I am alone.