I feel so let down by my mother

[BetteDavis01]

A bit of background- I grew up in a toxic, emotionally abusive household. My father was a nasty piece of work, always shouting and saying nasty things. I always stood up for myself and therefore became his main target. My mother is a quiet, non shouty person but would always make excuses for his behaviour. I find this unforgivable. I used to be in tears and feel anxious - how could she not have seen the damage being done?

I ended up in a violent relationship with an older man, aged 19. I wonder how that happened?

They split when I was 20 yrs old. I'm now grown up with a family of my own but I still feel wounded. My mother has now got a new partner and whenever I try and bring up my childhood, she just brushes it off. She has become very distant since she got with her new partner and I suppose I feel angry and rejected. She has put him above her own children and grandchildren.

In truth I don't actually like her but I want her love and support? It's odd isn't it?

For years I thought she was a victim of my father like my brother and I were, but now I feel that she played her own part in the toxic mess? And now, she has just moved on quite happily but has not acknowledged how she, in part, gave me a crap childhood.

I just needed to get this all down, thank you for reading. I would be grateful for any thoughts.

I'm sorry you had such an unpleasant childhood and I have no experience of this at all but perhaps your mum also had an unpleasant time and life with your father. Maybe like a lot of women, she was scared to leave him or afraid of him. Naturally you'll feel angry towards your mum as your mum is meant to love you and nurture you and not let bad things happen. It sounds to me like you need to sit down and have a proper talk with her. I don't know what sort if woman she is but can you ring her and ask her to meet you somewhere where it could just be the two of you having a coffee and talking and tell her how it has made you feel. You might feel better for airing it all and you might even find things out from her that you never knew or were not aware of. It must be very hard but I think she should be given the chance to give her side. Ask her why she allowed this to happen and did she know how it made you and your brother feel.

Thank you for replying Mrsm22. I could sit down with her but I find her to be a very closed off person iyswim. She is unable to have a frank, pour your heart out, discussion about anything.

She had definitely put barriers up and drifted away since she get her new man. Maybe she is a woman that will always put her man first and to hell with what her kids think/feel. I feel confused by it all.

The best advice I was ever given by a therapist is that you have to accept your parents as they are. It doesn't mean you tolerate their behaviour and allow yourself to be treated like shite but it means that you accept them for what they are and if necessary, cut them out of your life, disengage. You cannot change how they are but you can change how you deal with them.

Collusion with your father is possible, putting her new partner before you and her grand children is possible but that isn't really your problem. What is your problem is your life. I'd recommend counselling then you'll stop trying to please her and live your life for you.

Hi OP, Im sorry to hear you've had such a sad young life. I have some experience of this and know how upsetting it feels. Forgive me if I'm wrong but your mum sounds as if she's quite insecure. Our DC give unconditional love and crave that from their parents too. It sounds from how you describe your mum with your father that she had misplaced her attention and affections on him. She possibly felt that you could 'handle' him and stood up for yourself so she didn't have to side with you. She may have been suffering the same emotional abuse from your father but has a quite non shouts type was more fearful for herself. Maybe she was afraid of the consequences if she didn't excuse his behaviour/the consequences of losing her partner? Only she knows what she was thinking and why.

Her not wanting to discuss it with you could be that she's embarrassed and feels awful at not supporting you more and for not going against your father. She may honestly feel that she was right to stick up for and excuse his awful behaviour. Again, only she knows. The fact that she now has a new man and is distancing herself from you and her GC would suggest that she is insecure and feels she has to put her 'man' first. How is she with your brother?

You are bound to feel angry and rejected, this is quite normal. You need to discuss things with her however painful it may be for you both. If you are unable to physically speak to her about your feelings, maybe you could write her a letter? If you do decide to go down the letter route, be kind, I know you're hurting but explain things without laying all the blame on her. She made mistakes and could be feeling the turmoil of that too and wishes she had done things differently. Give her the chance to explain things from her side and try to work things through. It's difficult and there will no doubt be a lot of emotions involved. I think it would also help you to see a counsellor yourself too, to allow you to deal with your feelings without judgement and have the chance to openly speak about everything.

We often put up a wall of defence and make ourselves believe we don't like someone or even hate them because of their actions and the affect it had on us. Talking things through does help to deal with that and helps us find a better place x

I think people like your mum must have to take an extremely detached approach to life in order to function. Whether out of necessity (DV) or nature they inhabit almost a fantasy world with different rules to the rest of us. Reality is what they say it is, because the truth is far too disturbing to contemplate. This is fine as long as they are the only one involved in the delusion. They can kid themselves it's OK and they're only fooling themselves. But add another human being... you... to the mix and it's like the Emperor's New Clothes. You can see full well they've not got a stitch on and they really don't appreciate being told.

I don't think age or time ever impacts on someone like that because, they are so committed to their own delusion that, in their head, everything is still as peachy as it ever was. I'm not sure if there's a psychological term for it.... 'extreme denial'? But I think you're fighting a losing battle expecting someone who has lived that way for 50+ years to suddenly admit they've been making it up all along.

Many adult children of such toxic parents often go back for more ill treatment at their hands; its not at all surprising to me that you've still tried. The woman is inherently selfish and is not worth it. She will not give you what you want from her - ever. She did not want to or equally could not see the damage being done in front of her. (Her own childhood may have been itself abusive and she has simply repeated what she herself saw when growing up. That is still NO justification for her lack of action when she had children of her own, she failed to protect you from your main abuser and was thus complicit in his actions. She may well have been relieved on some level that you became his main target rather than she and was very scared of him).

Such people as well never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. Talking to her will probably just bring you more denial and a rewriting of history or even blaming you for what happened. I think therefore that talking to a counsellor would be more beneficial.

Such people as well make for being awful grandparents, she would not being anything positive into their lives either.

I would also write a letter to your mother BUT DO NOT SEND IT TO HER (apologies for capitals but that is vitally important). You are at heart dealing with someone who is both a) completely unamenable and b) in denial. I would seriously consider counselling for your own self to talk about this, BACP are good and do not charge the earth.

Does your brother have any sort of relationship with his mother now?.

She will not be the mother you want her to be; she is not built that way. It is NOT your fault she is this way and infact both your parents let you down abjectly.

I would look at and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages and read the resources at the beginning of that thread.

Write her a letter, get it all down, will make you feel better and will probably get across to her better that way, then, wait and see what she does, if nothing, then you know you're wasting your time on her. She either really doesn't give a toss or, she doesn't want reminded of her failings. Either way, you have every right to shout her down about this, you need explanations, whether or not you get them is dubious but a letter might just work.

I agree with Phalop .

phalenopsis sorry on phone

Thank you for all the helpful messages.

Cogito- I think you have hit the nail on the head. She lives in a fantasy world. I also think she is selfish as well, so maybe by deluding herself, she doesn't feel guilty for her actions/ decisions.

It's a shame really, I just wish I could have experienced a normal, happy childhood.

Oddly, I didn't think my childhood was bad at the time, it's only as I've got older and had my own family that I look back and think 'what a dysfunctional, toxic mess' I thought she was a victim too, but she was an adult, who had the power to make changes; I was a powerless kid.