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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Suddenly jealous and possessive dh

3 replies

taxiforme · 12/11/2013 21:10

My usually very mild mannered sweet kind dh has really upset me. Frankly asking me, sitting me down in the kitchen and asking me "what is going on" and " how hurt and confused" he is.
The cause? Some FB pics of me at a fancy dress party at the weekend, taken with another guy. We were all in themed fancy dress and posing and acting up in character. Others were there but because he and I had the best costumes there are more if him with me. He and my very best friend posted them we all tagged them I have "liked" them and there is another photo with my friend's gay brother.
The costumes are not revealing in the slightest.
I do not fancy the guy and hardly know him. I don't have his number but he is a FB friend. He and my other friends live 150 miles away (which was one of the reasons dh was not there).
I had to sit there and convince him I was not having an affair (which I think he believes) then apologise for and justify having a good time.

He did a similar thing in the summer on holiday when I danced with another man.

He has never shown the slightest sign of any "tendencies" and is super tolerant and generous and the most kind hearted father.

Relevant to all this is that he has had a very stressful time at work recently. His ex wife left him for another much younger man and they continue to live in the village. I understand typical to the situation, with his ex, he was the last to find out. He is also from a very old fashioned and not exactly fun loving family. Wives didn't work and sat talking about kids and wifey stuff. They had a hostess trolley and a fondue set. They didn't eat out and didn't party hard or at all in their youth.

He has apologised but I am feeling some tension in the air. I am also very very sad and angry that he thinks so little of me he could make these accusations on the basis of some harmless photos posted by my best friends. We haven't been married long (4 yrs). I don't want to be a person I am not. Ie not joining in and sitting on the sidelines, not having my photo taken, not dancing with other men (he hates dancing).

Sorry. All a bit garbled. We had a wonderful relationship. I am so sad.

I would love to get some perspective on this. Do I leave it or try and bottom it out with him. He thinks he is the wounded one.

OP posts:
temporarilyjerry · 12/11/2013 21:14

You say he has apologised but he doesn't seem sorry. "He thinks he is the wounded one."

I think you need to be clear that you will not be accused like this. If he thinks you are having an affair, he should end your marriage. If he agrees that he is BU, he needs to ensure that he doesn't accuse you again.

Mabelface · 12/11/2013 21:23

He either trusts you or he doesn't. This is his problem to sort, not yours. Don't ever apologise again about having a good time whilst you're out, and you don't have to justify it either.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/11/2013 21:26

I think some sensitivity is called for. His marriage ended with betrayal and it takes a lot to trust someone when you've experienced that. No, you don't stay home wrapped in sack cloth and ashes, but someone with that back-story needs a lot more reassurance than others. I think you should talk to him & find a middle ground.

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