How can I help my friends who have lost a child?

[whatcanIdotohelp]

I don't want to say any wrong things, it's such an awful event almost anything I could say feels like an intrusion into their grief, I don't know what I should write to them.

Can anybody advise me? I am desperate not to get it wrong, to say the wrong thing.

I'm very upset about their child but I almost feel guilty about having these feelings, like, how dare I, when their agony must be so great. I want to write to them but I can't work out if this is kind, or intrusive or self indulgent. I only want to somehow say something comforting but am at a loss as to what this could be. No words seem adequate. I don't want to write anything that sounds cliched and insincere. I don't want to go on about how awful it all is, but it would seem wrong not to acknowledge that either. And talking about how wonderful their child was - though absolutely true - seems like rubbing salt in a wound.

I have known these people for many years yet I feel somehow fearful, not of them but I'm kind of intimidated by the awfulness of what they must be going through, that I can only imagine. I feel paralysed by worry about saying the wrong thing but I know that when people have awful things happen to them they can feel neglected and abandoned by other people who don't know what to say and this is very wrong too.

Sorry, this is really waffly, does anyone have any good advice for me, please?

I wrote a letter from my heart but when I re-read it all I could do was worry I'd got it all wrong. Perhaps I'm overthinking this.

Has anyone got any experience or advice they can share with me?

I'm really sorry if the topic of this message is upsetting for anyone.

Just write. When I lost my daughter people crossed the road to avoid having to talk to me. I know they were scared to say the wrong thing but it was horrible feeling like a leper. Just tell them how much you are thinking of them and that if they ever ask you for help, you'll be there.

Please write. I wanted to when a friend lost a child last year. I talked myself out of it and now I feel I can't make contact because I've left it too late. Just write that they ate always in your thoughts etc I'm sure it would be appreciated.

When I lost my daughter there were no amount of words that made a difference. "Comforting" sentences seemed like an insult to me. Especially anything starting with "In time" or "Time is a great healer" etc.

The one thing that really actually comforted me, was when someone said: "This should NOT have happened. I don't know what to say, there is nothing I can say."

I'm not sure if that's helpful but I wanted to write what it was like for me.
But then I don't know your friends situation and I don't know what they are like and where they might find comfort.

I'm deeply sorry for your friends.

Oh yes, I agree with YvyB. People are so reluctant to offend, or upset that no one would talk to me about my child.
I bet, like me and hundreds of other parents in the situation, you friends want to talk about their child.

So just let them know you are there to listen and talk.

I have a dear friend who lost a child and completely agrees with what YvB said - the worst reaction she had to deal with was how many people avoided her completely, because they didn't know what to say or do. It really doesn't matter how you word it, just make contact and keep on making contact. It will help her to know you care and are not turning away, even if at first she doesn't want to talk or see you. And when she is a little further down the line and wants to talk about it, if she does, then just being there and willing to listen to whatever she wants to say is the most helpful thing you can do.

Just write, that they are in your thoughts, and they need anything, from a chat to rant, or just someone to cry on, you'll be there, sometimes, just being there is a help.

My Dsis lost her son 5 days before his 1st before, theres no comforting words for it, and Velve is right about the comforting things, they arent comfort to a grieving parent.

Keep it short and sweet, by being open to help shoulder a little grief, it does mean more than words.

I lost my boyfriend aged 24 and have remained close to his parents. Likewise I lost my cousin aged 30. Whilst these were not young children, they were still those four parent's kids. They have all said the worst thing about losing their children, especially as time went by, was people not mentioning their child, not acknowledging their loss/ the horror of it all, carrying on as if nothing had happened for fear of upsetting them or saying the wrong thing. Please just write. There is nothing you can say that will be wrong, and they won't be reading between the lines interpreting anything you say as crass or indulgent - they need and ache to hear you say how wonderful their child was. Keep saying it. That child existed and always will for them and they need to keep hearing about them. Any memories of their child that you have or sympathy you can offer will provide them with a tiny bit of comfort in a dreadful situation, and will continue to do so.

Thank you so much for responses; it's humbling that people who've been through awful losses have been kind enough to share their thoughts. I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

Velve what you said is what I fear, saying anything that seems like an insult. I couldn't imagine ever writing some crap about time being a healer though. I know that even though you can still make a meaningful and happy life the pain of losing a child is something you have to carry always.

I think that is what I mean about being fearful in the face of it. I know they will have to live with this pain all their lives. It's terrible and feels so shocking and wrong.

Write to them and express your honest thoughts. Say their childs name - believe me there is nothing more wonderful, for the parents, than saying a childs name if they have died. Dont hide away from them if you see them - most people ran a mile when I lost my two sons - I would see them dodging me because they didn't know what to say. Also hug them if you see them. Remember that after the funeral life goes back to normal for many others but for the family its the beginning of a long, crappy, road.

Dont say 'If there is anything I can do please just contact me and I will help.' They wont contact you because their entire world is filled with their loss. Instead maybe take some food for them.....if they have dogs take the dogs for a walk, anything you can think of - just do it.

If they cry it is nothing that you have done or said - they miss their child. Many people said to me 'I dont know what I would do in your position and I dont know how to help you.' I would always reply 'Just be there when I need you.'

Nothing you can say or do will upset them anymore than they are now. Please write to them and dont over think it - just your honest words will let them know you are 'with them.' xxx

I think if you wrote something along the lines of your op they would know how much you want to make contact and how much you want to support them, that in itself would be welcomed. Please don't leave it. I once had a terrible tragedy which actually resolved itself but a good friend turned her back on me at the time, I think because she was overwhelmed, and I have never got over that.

geveslafosse.com/2013/02/10/juliette-is-ill-from-watching-petals-fall/

This is a brilliant blog and site - there are lists, compiled by bereaved parents, of what you can say that helps (and doesn't).

The site also provides support for parents who have lost a child.

Try to avoid 'jollying them along' with clichés or platitudes. All you need to say is that you are so very sorry for the loss of their beloved child. But do please say it. Don't let fear of upsetting them stop you.

Just phone them, go to see them, give them a big hug and tell them how fucking awful it is this terrible thing has happened. Have a good cry with them and don't be afraid to have a laugh remembering their child with them.
Really just physically be there. It took my friend six months to get back work after losing her boy. I'm really glad I was able to be there to hang out with her when she needed someone.

You sound like such a lovely friend and so thoughtful and sensitive. When my daughter died I hated the letters and cards saying "if there's anything I can do" ....don't ask a question in your letter - state a fact which is how shit it is that this has happened and how awful it is. That is all the parents can feel and think at the moment. Like someone else said, make it short and sincere - the ramblings are not going to be read properly until some time later. Take food round, take other kids in the family to school if that is the case. Listen, listen and listen if required....your friend is lucky to have you. I felt so alone and isolated with people not knowing what to say or avoiding me. The worst thing to ever say is "I don't know how you can cope with this", or "you are so strong" - it is not a choice to bury your own child, ever.

My 18 year old son died five years ago. All i can say, is be honest, if you don't have the words then say that. Weird as it sounds i found that the most comforting, because there just arn't the words to say how bad it is.

Taking food for the other children is helpful, or walking the dog, just saying ask if you want anything isn't always best, if you don't know what you want help with.

I agree being told i'm strong isn't helpful, you really don't have a choice in the matter.

Whatever you do, please mention the child always, especially on anniversary's and birthdays. Its so painful that after a few years lots of people stop to mention the dead child. x

((Tiddly))

Op, My friends lost their daughter. She lived to about three....
I was I'll in hospital at the time but rang them as soon as I heard and then called in to see them, lots. I went out during the day with both of them, individually and together. We talked about her. I made tea, lots of it I listened....

Afterwards my friends DH said how they had appreciated me just being there and that out of everyone at school (our other DC in same class) I was the only one who'd knocked on the door...

To you for being a good friend

((Joy))

And yes, even when they moved away, in the ensuing years I always rang on her birthday and on the date of her passing. Sadly I've lost touch but you've got me thinking, maybe I should try and find them again....

Thanks again for responses. I don't live close to these friends, so I can't just drop in and offer to help, I wish I could. It's not one of those friendships where we see each other and are in and out of each other's lives. We were once.

You know when you have old friends and you might not see them or even be in touch for ages, because you no longer live close to each other but when you do you just pick up where you left off?

We actually haven't seen each other for a long time, which is one of the reasons I think why it feels awkward to get involved now.

Does that make sense?

It makes sense that you don't want to seem intrusive, self-indulgent about your own feelings etc. But please do write. Yes words are not adequate. Nothing is. But they will appreciate human contact and sympathy. All we have is each other in the end.

Makes total sense to me xx

In that case I think lots of little notes and short letters. Things that they can look back on and read in more detail in the months to come. I still sit sometimes and read through all the beautiful cards I was sent...my baby twin died 31 years ago at the age of 7 months and my DS3 was killed by a reversing lorry 21 years ago when he was almost 8 years old. The cards and letters mean something different each time I read them.

I quite agree that remembering their birthdays/ anniversary of death is important. Even if its just a text to let them know you are thinking of them. Don't worry that you haven't seen them for a long time. It's important they know that you and others are thinking about them.

Hi OP, not exactly the same situation, but the most comforting thing that someone said to me when my sister died (not in childhood, she was 33, I was 32) was "remember, she will always be your sister". That sentence acknowledged the loss but also that my sister had mattered and would continue to matter. The same friend always texts on birthdays, anniversaries etc with sympathy, funny stories etc about my sis, which is so important. As others have said, do get in touch - it doesn't sound as if you will say the wrong thing - you sound like a lovely friend x

We lost our 4 and a half year son 6 years ago. You've been given lots of good advice about what to say now - but it's really important in the years to come too. It's the little things - some colleagues at work remember my son's birthday and just come up to me on that day and say - "we know it's his birthday today". Means so much. Often when I mention my son and the things I remember he did people feel uncomfortable and change the subject but I love to chat about him, it feels like he is remembered and not forgotten, like I'm a 'normal' mum - even though I'm not . Take your cues from them, I hate the 'journey' term that gets used for grief - but it is a process, with ups and downs - hopefully there will be times in the future when they'd love to remember their child with you.

I read this article earlier. Whilst I have only recently lost my son and the author is a number of years down the line I agree that the most hurtful thing is people not acknowledging the child and/or ignoring me.

Whilst some people have made the usual cliches of times a healer etc and these words are no comfort ( and possibly not what I want/need to hear), the fact that they are reaching out in their own way to try and offer me support me is comforting.

I would repeat most of what other bereaved parents are saying here, especially the 'not trying to cheer them up.' It's too soon for positive slogans, which are offensive, meaningless platitudes to our ears in the early days. You just want to hear someone else say, 'yes, this is utter sh*t. I miss them too. I remember when........ and that's such a special memory for me. By the way, here's a vat of stew for your freezer.'

Thank you for linking to my blog, Corygal. I've put together a new post on how it felt for me after losing my daughter, and the link is below.

Although it's a necessarily personal viewpoint, I've learned that a lot of what I was feeling is just what other bereaved parents experience. I hope it's useful, whatcanIdotohelp. Thank you, from this bereaved mother, for wanting to help your friends.

geveslafosse.com/2013/11/16/shipwrecked-from-watching-petals-fall/