So how do I make sure my kids grow up loving each other?

[IsleOfRight]

So dd is 3 and ds is 1. They adore each other at the moment. But as my mum utters darkly, so did my brother and I at that age. But we had a horrible sibling relationship for my whole childhood and though it is ok as adults we have totally different personalities and ways of doing things. That's fine - we are different people, but I really want my kids to love and support each other, as kids but as adults too. I knew there will be teasing etc, but my brother used to really dislike me, and walk out of a room if I walked in etc. I genuinely did not deserve this - my presence rather than my behaviour was what annoyed him. On reflection he was always painfully shy and I was always confident and chatty. Ironically he married someone like me and my husband is also quite quiet, and we all get on with each other's spouses superficially at least, I am not sure if we'd all be friends if we met independently.

Anyway my question is this - what can I do now with my kids so young to try ensure this doesn't happen to them and that they are best friends, or at least not enemies?

You can't do anything. They have their own personalities. The only advice I can think of is be fair and don't have a 'favourite' or criticise one behind the other's back.

I wish I knew. mine love and despise each other in equal measures and are like chalk and cheese. just hope the rooting I've given them in the importance of family will see them through the inevitable bickering

You can't do anything. My brother and i (he is three years younger) got on well at that age. By our teenage years we hated each other. I now tolerate him but we are very different people. We do help each other in emergencies and i would never turn him away though.

My DD's (five year age gap) have never fought but being such different ages and personalities they just ignored each other throughout childhood. They are now getting on much better at at 16 and 21. They seem to have found some common ground with TV programmes, school/uni, music, clothes etc. It also helps that the older one no longer lives at home. Again i think no matter what they would totally be there for each other in an emergency.

My brother and I are like chalk and cheese in many ways but we share the same sense of humour, and I think I have our Mum to thank for encouraging that. She always got us to play family games and we experienced most things together (e.g. first ride on bike, first holiday, first swimming lesson, etc.) so we have lots in common and tons of happy memories.

This is a hard one. I don't think there's really a magic formula. I think a lot depends on personalities and the positions of the children in the family: I'm afraid that my youngest (I have 3) was a bit spoiled, but I'm happy to say that although my, now adult children, are all very different, when the chips are down they are definitely there to support and love one another. They are in contact with one another on a regular basis and we all meet up and have fun together.

Looking back, I think I would say, treat them equally. Never favour one over the other, or play one off against the other. Never tease them about anything that they might be sensitive about and never tolerate teasing (bullying).

I think you have to monitor their behaviour to one another and work hard at fostering good relations between them.

But other than trying your best, ultimately it's the luck of the draw. They are separate people and try as we might as parents, we can't make our children love one another if they just don't.

I really recommend reading "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" and then the book "Siblings without rivalry" some really good advice and practical examples on how to emotionally nurture your dc both individually and as siblings.

Although I got a bit annoyed about it at the time, I essentially understood why my Mum chose to treat us both equally even though there were 3 years between us, so there was less chance of any "i'm older than you" overbearing rubbish going on. That meant same bedtimes, same portions, same treats, same privileges, same independence etc.

I worry a little about this too as my older sister and I hated each other in our teens and barely speak now. In contrast I am very close to my other sister who is seven years younger. She also doesn't get on with older sister.

I do think parents need to let siblingscwork things out between them to a certain extent but my parents just completely ignored the fact that older sister bullied and tormented me and younger sister. Apart from leading to a miserable home life they also did older sister a huge disservice by not teaching her that her behaviour was unacceptable. Older sister is still living with my parents at the age of 32 but seems to be slowly waking up to the fact that she has pushed away so many people in her life. She is attempting to build bridges but even now I'm reluctant.

I think you have to actively encourage a good sibling relationship by making them allies rather than enemies. I think my sister was jealous of me being more academically able and my parents "dealt" with that by ignoring my achievements which made me feel unloved and didn't solve the jealousy problem at all.

My DS and DD are only 3 and 8mths but I'm already laying the groundwork by commenting on how DD finds DS very funny (she laughs at him a lot) and praising DS to the hilt when he is kind to DD. I "tell DD off" if she hurts or grabs (as babies do) so that DS doesn't feel she gets away with everything while he has to share and be really gentle. As they get older I will try to act as mediator between them so they get to enjoy each other as well as piss each other off! If it turns out they don't want to be friends I won't push it but I won't tolerate rude or bullying behaviour - disagreements are fine but namecalking and physical fighting will not be allowed.

Speaking as the quiet, shy older sibling with an outgoing chatty younger sister, I can offer my perspective. I used to find it infuriating that she "got away" with so much that I felt (rightly or wrongly) I wouldn't have. So, she could talk in an annoying voice and monopolise the conversation, she could spend all night shouting for our mum and getting a response, when she was ill everyone dropped everything and she was taken to the Dr etc etc. I genuinely don't know how much of this was true and how much was just my perception. I used to be vile to her because I felt on some level that her behaviour warranted it and she sure as hell wasn't going to get the "punishment" she needed and deserved from anywhere else I wanted them to acknowledge that I was the "better" child. Not a lot you can do about that, I suppose.

Funnily enough I married someone more like her and she tends to go for the quiet types

I think it might be worth talking to your brother and asking him, in a non-confrontational way, how he felt towards you when you were young and what (if anything) he thinks your parents could have done better to manage the situation. It's also probably worth talking to your children if you sense any animosity developing between them. AFAIK my parents never asked us (i.e. me) why I acted like I did.

It's a bit naive to think that siblings have to get on and that it's something a parent can control. Just because they have the same genes doesn't mean they will love each other. Just like some children hate their parents.

The most obvious answer is don't have a favourite because kids hate anything that is 'unfair'.