Is this E.A? How do I leave?

[SupSlick]

Sorry everyone this might be long!
I'm mid twenties with a 1 year old DS, I'm single after being dumped by long term partner when I told him I was pregnant & haven't seen him since & I'm living with my parents.

I wouldn't say I have ever taken advantage of my parents. Whenever they've treated me I have always repaid in some way, for example I paid for their whole house to be recarpeted & decorated as a surprise as they took me back in when I was pregnant.

Other than this I have always worked & paid my way, even at university when I had 3 jobs at a time so I didn't have to rely on money off my parents.

However, the issue is that my dad just does not respect me & constantly shouts at me about how much money I am spending etc & I feel as though he is emotionally abusive. DM has left numerous times due to this. My DF loves my DS but seems to despise me. I've been suffering with post natal depression & am currently going through CBT & am taken two types of antidepressants for anxiety, and DF says things unprovoked like: "no wonder you see a counsellor you crazy bitch" and "you're mental look at the state of you", he also tells me I am a bad mother. & don't look after my son & that social services will take him away or that he will take my son & give him to my ex partner to look after. All these are things I have severe anxiety about.
I have been job searching for months & got comments such as "no wonder you don't have a job, you're too stupid".
He has also been violent and has had me by the throat a few times, once with my 3 week old DS in my arms. I've been covered in bruises up my arms a few times from when I have tried to ring the police or when I've tried to stop him taking DS off me to "leave" with him.
He is a control freak & controls all the finances between him & my mum. He also says crazy made up things to scare my mum into not doing things/going places. My mum has suffered with depression & anxiety for years & whenever she has had the courage to leave he has always made her come back by being exceptionally nice & caring.

What I am asking is do I leave & how do I leave? My dad would get very angry about me leaving & dictates what I buy a lot of the time, for example I wouldn't be allowed to buy a tv or say a car without him choosing or arguing about it. He would also dictate about where I lived. I wish I could just move away from him in secret.
I don't want my DS being in an environment where he is subjected to abuse. My brother has moved across the country to escape my dad, but my dad seems to respect him more than me.
Also if I do manage to leave, AIBU for leaving my mum with this man? And my new job is ft but minimum wage so how will I afford this.
I feel so helpless & clueless. I dread my DF coming home from work.
Any advice is welcome!

It's far more than just emotional abuse, I'm afraid. Physical violence, verbal abuse ... terrible, criminal behaviour. I'd strongly recommend that you contact Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 and ask for urgent help in getting out safely. Your DM has to make her own choices, unfortunately.

Your first phone call should be to Women's Aid.
You need to tell them everything you have said here.
They can help you with all of this.
Then the CAB to see what benefits you are entitled to.
Then the police to report all incidents that have happened.
You can go way back and they will put them all on file.
Once you are out and free of this man, you can then help to guide your mum. She is a grown woman and hasn't managed to stay out so far but if she see's you being able to get on with life without him then that may give her the incentive. But don't hold your breath on that one.
WA number 0808 2000 247 - they are busy so keep trying and you can also email them.
The situation you are in is absolutely awful. Make no mistake.
When a man puts his hands around a womans throat that is considered the highest risk and you need to protect your son and get yourself out of there - FAST!!
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
And in answer to your question, YES - it's financial abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, domestic violence.
It's serious - so do what you can to get out safely.

Thank you so much for your response & for reading my essay.
I am afraid of getting my dad into trouble, I'm even afraid to vent to my counsellor about it incase she informs SS & they take my DS away. And whenever it gets really bad he seems to snap out of it & be really charming for a day or two & it makes me feel guilty for even considering it.
I just need to get the confidence to ring WA & move.

Yes Women's Aid would help you get out - it doesn't matter that he's not an intimate partner, it is still domestic violence. Your mother is not your responsibility; your son is. She is also an adult who has to make her own choices.

Your council might also be able to house you because you are living in threat of violence and your mental health is compromised by your current living arrangements. Unfortunately though it's under the discretion of a housing officer, so you have to hope you get one who is sympathetic and understands, however, with the list you have here I think you'd have a definite case. They may have emergency accommodation which is suitable, if not, all they can do it push you to the top of the list for housing, if there is a wait for housing in your area you will still have to wait.

If you take DS away, then SS won't have any reason to remove him because you are protecting him.

WA will not push you to prosecute or even ask for the name of your abuser, that is totally up to you if you want to disclose it.

You need to understand why you are afraid of getting your dad into trouble.
The abuse he has put (and is still putting) you and your mum through is just awful.

He needs to be reported.
Imagine if this was happening to a friend of yours.

What would your advice be???

Honestly, reporting is not the issue right now. The pressing issue is getting yourself and your son out of there. Whether or not to report can be decided later - he isn't your son's father, so he doesn't get visitation rights.

As flawed as the argument is, your mum needs to decide to leave by herself. Even if he got arrested, and sent to jail, she might decide to stay with him. You can't save her. But please don't feel guilty if you don't want to report him.

Everyone's right. If you take steps to get yourself away from your father, you will be demonstrating that you are an excellent and responsible parent. SS are not interested in parents who keep their kids safe. Do share this with your counsellor. Unfortunately your father is a vicious woman-hating bully and, if you're worried about your DM, reporting him to the police might be the ladder up that she's waiting for.

Thank you all so much!
Deep down in my heart & from reading all your replies I know what he's doing isn't right but I think me & DM have got so used to it that we downplay it. It's only really now I starting to feel stronger after my PND that I'm starting to think I want to be a good mum & if I had wanted my DS to be around all this arguing & agressive shouting I could've just fought to get my ex back!
I'm worried about getting my dad in to trouble, and of tearing my family apart. My DGM is aware of his behaviour & blames it on his diabetes, and tells me to stay out of his way but I feel nervous when I talk to him as he sighs & tuts & ignores what I'm saying even when it's something general like about something that's happened that day.
My DS loves his grandad & I feel like that's a way he has more control over me.
I think I am going to call women's aid in the morning when he's not here & go from there.
Thank you all so much. It's a relief even though I'm quite frightened x

Your Dad is in trouble already. He's a violent man and it has nothing to do with diabetes. Are you sure you had PND all this time or were you just depressed and nervous living with this terrible man? If you report him to the police he may, ironically, get some psychiatric help. Plus your mother might get some support.

'Diabetes' eh? Not heard that one before.

I would treat this situation exactly as if you were fleeing a partner.
Make covert plans to leave with the help of WA, and then go when he's out to avoid confrontation. Don't think that this not a) reasonable or b) justified just because he is your father not your partner. You don't owe him anything.

There's no reason for SS to be involved given that he's not the father of your child, and you are fully motivated to get out of the situation.

As a SW i have to say that you are more likely to lose your son if you say in that household than if you talk about it and take steps to remove you and your DS from the abuse. If your DS was to be injured while your father was hurting you that would be a massive red flag for SW.

Woman's Aid is the way forward. They can help. Your mother is an adult and as such has to make her own choices, hard as it is for you to walk away. You CAN and you MUST do this.

Good luck.

I have heard "Diabetes" as an excuse surprisingly often It's total bull, millions of people have diabetes and manage not to be utter cunts whenever their blood sugar fluctuates.

He's controlling, manipulative, abusive and violent. You obviously know what you have to do. I hope you manage to do it.

I'm gearing myself to ring WA tomorrow, just worry how he will react if I go especially the arguments & grief it will cause for DM.
Another thing he does is act very suspicious & hints he has a terminal illness. A few times he has said things such as e wishes I would die soon & be in his situation. When I ask what he means he goes very secretive & says that he won't tell me. I've asked DM many times whether he is ill or if he is keeping something from me but she tells me to leave it.
If he is ill & he gets in trouble from me calling WA or going to speak to someone from the CAB I would feel so terrible.

I don't often comment, but this is outrageous. He's been manipulating you so much that you don't see it anymore. If he is ill, the illness does not give him the right to be abusive and violent; and you need protection, as does your DS. WA will give you a reality check, I bet.... But most of the people on the planet get ill and die without doing ANY of this!

Sending you strength, because I know this is not easy for you, or for anyone else who has to confront an abuser. Do take care of yourself and your baby. You will be here with your child for many years to come.

Thank you so much
I just know he'll make me feel as if I'm over reacting
& being dramatic. Sometimes I wish & wish the neighbours would ring the police when they hear him having one of his outbursts, I have a recording on my phone of one of them from a few months ago but I'm too worried that I'll get him in trouble if I show it to anyone. He'd probably snap my phone in half if he knew.
I'm also worried that now my DS is going to nursery that my DF will pick DS up & not tell me, to worry me. He has also hidden my spare set of car keys so I worry after an argument that he'll take my car.
God reading this back I think if this was a boyfriend I'd be running for the hills but because it's my dad I feel so guilty & like I'm betraying the family.

It feels so good to vent & see that your reactions show me I'm not crazy & that this actually isn't right!

For your own peace of mind, clarify with the nursery that they are not to hand DS to other family members unless you have told them in advance. They probably have a policy on that in place, anyway.

Make a secret spare set of car keys?

Good luck making plans with WA to get away from him - life there sounds unbearable.

Your mother had a duty to protect ypu and for various complicated reasons she failed in that duty. You have the same duty to your son. Don't go down the same road as your mother. She is a grown woman, you are not her parent. It will be hard to leave her behind but you have your own little family to care for first. Perhaps when you're out you can help her escape.
Have courage.

Here's an update:
I called Womens aid this morning, & they were really helpful, I was on to them for nearly an hour & she made it quite clear that it's not right.
She's given me an outreach number to call for my area, and I've packed some things together & hidden it under my bed so that if it gets bad or he has a fit in the next few days I can get up & go. She has also made me think about reporting him. But I don't know how I feel about that yet.
I'm planning to ring the outreach person & try get some help with moving out. I'm still worried but feel quite empowered that I am making a decision for myself for once.
I tried to speak to my mum last night about things & at first she didn't want to know & said I was being dramatic & I shouldn't engage with him, but she has just texted me from work saying I should do what I need to do.
I went to the doctors before to up my dosage of anti depressants cuz I feel like I'm not coping but after speaking to WA I'm kind of thinking it's not me who should be taking them.
Thank you for your support. I really hope I don't bottle it.

I'm glad your mum is supportive but please be very careful as she may easily let your plans slip to your father. You won't bottle it because you're doing this, not just for you, but for your DC. That will give you strength. Good luck

Bravo! See: you're stronger than you thought you were! Just keep taking one step at a time, and putting your needs and your Cs needs first. You can read other posters' stories here, and see that many others have gotten out of very bad situations, and have made a real success of their lives. But mostly, it's just so great that you're taking action. Keep going.