Why do parents try to use dcs as a weapon or pawn with the other parent

[WellThatsLife]

I was the child who grew up in the midst of this and I know it messed me up and it really screwed my relationship with my dm up. It makes me so angry when I see other parents doing the same and feel so sorry for the kids involved.

One of the first things i vowed when i had kids was that no matter what happened was that i would never stop my dds seeing their dad(unless abuse involved obviously)even if things were so bad that thay had to be picked up from friends houses or a contact centre

I don't know. My DPs ex stopped him seeing his kids and it kills him. He's going through the courts, but its a long hard slog.
My STBXH is being a cunt about the kids. It's "oh it makes me miss you too much to have the kids", then it's "I miss them, I want to see them, but only with you there otherwise I can't cope", then it's "its too much, I need a break to get my head together before I can be a good dad", then "why are you keeping them from me". And all the while I have bent over backwards to try and make sure they have a good relationship. His fuckwittery is designed to keep me under his control, and he's pretty pissed off that I'm not playing his games any more.

Revenge?

I left my abusive XW, and later moved in with the OW with whom I had had an affair (which she discovered after I'd moved out, and after I had finished the affair).

She dicked me about with access for years, lied to the kids. Solicitor's letter and going no direct contact with her - just in writing - sorted it out in the end.

I'm still bitter she tried to use the children against me, but don't regret the thousands I spent to back her down.

FWIW, kids are all grown up now and we're still in regular contact, and get on well.

They are unable to put the needs of others before their own needs/wants.
They come first always, even before their children.

I think in most cases it is probably due to a lack of insight and a dose of hurt.

Very few parents deliberately set out to damage their DC, even to get what they feel is much deserved revenge on an X. I think what happens is that the behaviour responsible for the split - an affair, abuse, emotional neglect, boredom - becomes rewritten as 'proof' that the X is of unfit/unstable character. In many ways the anxiety is real, even if misplaced. On the other side of the coin, the non-resident parent can feel that the X is being deliberately controlling and so they deliberately mess about with contacts schedules, asking to rearrange times or dates, bringing them back late, etc in order to reassert their role as parent. In some cases the attitude can be "if I can't see them on my terms I won't see them at all."

What normally happens is that after a little time has passed and the initial hurt and anger has subsided, most parents eventually realise that none of this is good for the DC and they settle down into a more consistent and tolerant routine. IME that takes between 6 and 12 months on average.

When it doesn't happen and things remain bad, it's usually because someone has a character flaw that prevents them from seeing the bigger picture. It's not always malicious in intention, although it can seem like that. In other cases it's because one of the parents or both is just incredibly selfish and sometimes downright cruel. Ultimately the driving force is irrelevant as the effect on the DC is the same.

My parents aren't even divorced and yet DM has told me all my life what a big disappointment my DF is. In her case (I can't speak for others) I think it's a combination of rank stupidity, resentment and insecurity rather than actual malice.

It happens sometimes because a parent in the heat of the moment will grab anything to hand to hurt the ex with, in anger & sometimes the thing to hand is access. The need to hurt, for revenge can be very strong & will take priority over everything else in that heated moment.

It happens because a parent can't deal with the bitterness that is sometimes left over when they are the aggrieved party & doesn't realise that all the little digs & comments are being listened to by small ears. If you constantly live with a bitterness & resentment bubbling inside you then it can spill over into comments that are reasonable to the person making them but not to the children listening.

Sustained anger I have no experience of, I know of one chap who I worked with whose ex refused him access & he spent £40k going through the courts to try to get access to his DD but he was unsuccessful.

I think what always saddens me is that you see parents who don't mess about with contact with the Xs who can't be bothered with the DC, while the Xs who do want to play an active role are the ones who are actively prevented.

I feel for you. My friends DGD is so damaged and messed up because of her mothers refusal to let her see her dad and GM that at the age of 5 has been referred to the children's panel and a mental health team. The mother says that the phsycologists report is a load of rubbish. They also are facing huge bills to get things sorted out, money that could be spent on the child.

I don't think many people do try to use their children in that way.

When relationships break up badly then there is an awful lot of hurt going around and it is unsurprising that children are affected by that.

One of the things that fascinates me is when someone who blew a family into smithereens starts whinging that the human person whose life they destroyed without a second thought does things to them that aren't very nice.

It's like it's totally fine to treat your spouse like a piece of crap on your shoe, but the minute you're out the door the former piece of crap is expected to start acting like they are deserving of the Nobel peace prize.

But that's not how it works in real life. Humans are humans. If you hurt them, they will be hurt. And when they are hurt, they tend to hurt in return.

In my case spent many nights crying myself to sleep at the age of 10 after hearing df and dm arguing downstairs when they thought we were asleep. We moved house and the arguing got worse, then df bought me a kids science , one of the sections showed 2 blue eyed people gouldn't have a brown eyed child, guess what i'm browned and dark everyone was blue eyed and fair, got me thinking. Some old friends of my mums would sometimes refer to me as xy although my name was xa. This puzzled me and i spent a day getting it straight:
1)didn't look like anybody else in family
2) book from df
3)surnames-friends called me y although I was a and I knew dm maiden name was b
4)was on df and dm wedding photos

I was not daft and only conclusion I could come to was that df was not my father and that my dm had been married before that he was my father.
I shall never forget going to my dm(scared still as she was v awkward person)asking why the friends called me y, her reply"i'll tell when you're older". I walked in floods of tears, angry confused devastated as that answer had confirmed what I had worked out and so angry that she didn't tell me the truth. She did tell me a few days later as during argument with my dsf as I now knew him to be she had something about the children and he'd answered the she'd pointed that he had only got one child(Ihave to add that he never treated me any different to my dsis(his dd))and hshe thought i had heard this, god knows when she would have told me otherwise. She would not tell me anthying about my dad apart from his name and that they had split up when I was 3 and that I hadn't een him since I was five. I couldn't talk to her as I was terrified of her and spent a lot of my time managing my relationship with her.
She and dsf split up a few months later and although it was an bitter split I found it a relief. My dsf still treated me as his daughter and I never doubted he saw me as such but i couldn't beleive when I told him I knew the truth at 14, my dm had never told I knew and all he said was that he was glad I knew the truth.
I eventually got my dm to trace my df when I was 17 and discovered that who I took after in both looks and character. I have talked to him about what happened and my dm just made it so unpleasant and awkward for him to see me, wouldn't let him take me out, he had to see me at her house with her there and so obstructive that he rarely saw me and he could see that i was seeing my dsf as my dad and eventually he just gave up, he regrets it but he just couldn't take anymore and i was getting upset as i didn't know what was going on and didn't see him as my dad anymore.
I do have some anger towards him over it, do feel that may could have fought more but I also know my dm having had to cope with years of her and she was the sort that if she did not want something to happen, IT DID NOT

What do you do when you've split up and you want your OH to have a relationship with his son and he's not interested??!?

I hate my XH but I have never stopped him seeing DD. he on the other hand has dropped midweek visits, rings if he can be bothered to remember, refuses to have her in the holidays. Sees her EOW 10am Sat to 6pm Sun.

He regularly drops DD for football, OW's birthday, pop concerts etc etc etc

He chooses to put other things in front of her.

She tells me how she would like to see him more often, I email him, he doesn't reply.

She is 5yo and that is the father she has. I would never stop him but I will not sit back and watch him fuck her life up.

OP, I'm so sorry. That is a terrible thing to do to a child. I hope you have good relationships now with both fathers in your life.

I think what always saddens me is that you see parents who don't mess about with contact with the Xs who can't be bothered with the DC, while the Xs who do want to play an active role are the ones who are actively prevented. Could not agree more. I often wish the two could get together and leave the decent, sane parents, who just want their kids to have good relationships with both, out of it. I see agonised mothers with fathers who constantly let their kids down, and miserable parents denied contact with their kids because the ex is happy to punish using them, sod what it does to those small lives.

I don't give a crap what went on in the adult relationship unless some form of abuse makes a parent unsuitable for the role. If someone is a good enough parent, their being a terrible spouse should be an irrelevance. It's your child, how can you put your own feelings and need to hurt an ex ahead of their entire adult well-being? It's miserable, denying contact - totally get hatred and resentment and wishing they'd die in a fire, but as you say OP, that level of hostility is what contact centre handovers are for.

Skye that's horrible. I'm so sorry - such a kicker of a situation for you as well, because you have to guide a path between shielding her, and not raising false hopes/expectations for the future. Not to mention seeing him hurt her again and again. Just ugh.

I struggled for years to get ex to see DS regularly. In the end I had to cut contact. Of course, I'm the evil witch who won't let him see his child. But then he's the convicted sex offender who couldn't be bothered to behave like a father (happened after we split - short story, he's a cunt when he's drunk).