Any tips on how to deal with this?

[OberonTheHopeful]

I have posted about my immediate past before, but the basic summary is: single for about three and a half years. I've recently had a bit of a blow (potential redundancy) and as my job is one of the main things in my life it has hit me very hard. Work is one of the key things that has seen me through some difficult times.

I've undergone a lot of counselling in recent years and feel generally fairly self-reliant, but at times like this I really feel in need of support. I have made some good friends in the last few years and I am very grateful for them (had some lovely messages from one of the best of them this evening), but there is obviously a limit as to how much emotional supprt they can provide (and I can ask for). I have sometimes really gone the extra mile to help people out when they have needed it, and at times like this I feel such support isn't entirely there for me.

The main situation I'm thinking of is my ex-partner, for whom I provided a great deal of support during frequent periods of unempoyment (mostly alcohol-related), not to mention material help. We are no longer in contact, and whilst I really don't take it as axiomatic that anyone should entirely do the same for me, I do sometimes feel a little upset at the apparent inbalance, with my current situation throwing this into sharp relief. I have learned a great deal about looking after myself but I suppose this is one of those times when I find the feelings a little irreducible. I am very conscious that I simply cannot expect too much from people.

I suppose my question is: has anyone else felt like this and what are the best ways of dealing with it? Of course, I do appreciate that this is all quite minor compared to most of the difficulties posted here, and it may be that the best way to cope is just to get my head down and get on with it :)

I have, yes. I found that I needed to adjust my expectations a bit. Now I am older, I only really go the extra miles for people who would do the same for me, IUSWIM. This stopped me feeling resentful. There is a viewpoint which says you should give out, without expecting anything in return. As I type, I think holders of this viewpoint often mean the Womenz should keep on giving....I don't think humans were meant to be this selfless. Communities support each other in the understanding, usually, that they, or their families will benefit at a time of need.
I am getting better at spotting who life's takers are I think. Sometimes I will do a Kind Thing, but know that it is just that, and I don't expect a return on it, but these things tend to be one offs. Hope this makes some kind of sense to you, and not just a ramble!

I can relate to this. Like Parsley I found the solution was to be more discriminating in who I went that extra mile for. If helping costs me very little I will still usually do it even for people I don't know much simply because small kindnesses are what makes the world go round. However, I won't give more than I am able to invest in terms of time, energy and emotion.

I am probably going to word this badly and make myself sound like a complete narcissistic twat, but I also realised that I was actually picking friendships with people who were "lesser" than me. All human beings are equal and all that, but some are kinder/nicer/more reliable/whatever than others. I was subconsciously choosing people I felt were 'inferior' to me because it made me feel 'superior' to them. It was like I could only get validation by being needed and being the 'sorted' one. Basically I was a bit of an idiot. It was a stupid way of trying to build self esteem.

At one point, my life sucked. I had no money, few friends, no life. I was determined to change that.

I made a conscious effort to be the best person I could be but tried to build new friendships on the basis of whether I liked people and they liked me, and the basis of that liking was our personalities and interests, rather than what we could do for each other. To begin with I felt a bit of a fraud and that they'd see through me, but coupled with change in other areas of my life (better job fulfilment, interesting hobbies, increasing social circle) it really started to work. Fake it til you make it I guess. And the nice thing is that we do help each other out but because I'm not always picking people with problems I'm not lurching from helping one crisis-ridden friend to another with alarming regularity.

Hope that makes sense and doesn't make me sound too twatty.

Thank you for the responses :)

I think it has certainly been true for me that I have, for a lot of my life, subconsciously looked to be 'useful' to people. I have explored this a great deal, and especially the psychological payback I have been looking for that has lead to a certain amount of projecttion from me. Of course, it is a behaviour that tends to make people naturally back off. People also, of course, have their own stuff to deal with.

I do try to be aware of this, and I think much of it is now historical for me. I do though wonder if I continue to expect too much. Just because I am still probably willing to do so much, it doesn't follow that anyone else should. What Dahlen says has really struck a chord with me. I do consider that I have good friends, but really feel quite alone right now. I am wondering if that's the real explanation: a kind of lonliness. There's no one who is just 'there'. It's at times like this that I tend to miss my ex, but probably only in the sense that someone was near me, if that makes sense? Having said that, it is a recent shock and it may just pass.

I think that part of the problem is also that I don't like asking for help; it seems that I have both a fear and expectation of being disappointed.