Feeling stuck in a hopeless situation

[Taz29duffy]

I'm 36 and live with my partner of 2.5 years.

My past relationships have been traumatic - 2 broken engagements. The first I understand, the second involved my ex fiancé leaving me weeks before the wedding and never explaining why he ended things. I adored him and I lost so much when he left and although I accept this happened, I will never stop feeling hurt by what he did.

In the months following the break up I was in a very dark place and to this day I don't really know how I survived that time. Eventually life moved on,and a met my current partner 2 years on.

I really care for my current partner and am grateful that I can care again, but I know that a lot of the feelings are one sided. He is 42 and clearly a commitment phobe. He has an 18 year old daughter, but has really minimal contact with her and never was really partof her life. He has never lived with anyone before and is extremely cold and unaffectionate- he has never told me he loves me. In some ways he can be kind and helpful, but the majority of time I feel he takes me for granted eg he lives in my house and only contributes a minimal amount and I am reluctant to even broach this. On the other hand he takes me out and generally pays for everything and is generous to my family.

Sadly when he drinks he gets nasty to me (verbally) and can be extremely hurtful. In the past I accept that I did not like him going out, and but obstacles up, now I don't, but he still gets nasty when drinking now and tries to say it is because I try to stop him - this isn't the case. When alcohol isn't on the scene he is not nasty, but lacks warmth.

Sadly we had a miscarriage last week and am terribly sad. My partner doesn't really get this and has become even more distant and cold. It feels like when I need him most he has totally shut down. I guess I am scared that he is going to leave as this is not what I want. I don't want to lose another man I love, and don't think I could go through the. Pain of another breakup. On top of this I so very much want children and know that if this relationship ends, that I am unlikely to ever be a mummy- that to me would be the worst thing ever.

I guess this posts creams ambivalence- I love this man and just want to connect with him. I don't want to loose another relationship and I so badly want a child.

You cannot change this man.
He will always be like this.
He will be like this with your children if you have kids with him.
He is basically a cocklodger and you are putting up with it because you think this is your last chance at kids!
Re-read your post.
He sounds horrible. Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with this man!?

I'm really sorry you have been through a miscarriage. It is heartbreaking and you need him to be there for you. But he isn't.

You cannot 'fix' this man. Time to move him out and move on - IMHO!

This is an awful situation for you. I think your partner sounds like a complete unemotional cocklodger, and that perhaps you put up with the asshole because your self-esteem is on the floor due to your past upsets with your ex-fiances.

You are still very young, and if you kick him in to touch now, you really do have time to meet someone who deserves you and who wants the same things.
I hope you can be brave because you deserve much much more than this crap deal you currently have. Good luck.

Also, so sorry about your miscarriage x

36 is not too old you know!
It may be tough to make a decision but why live with someone who doesn't understand love and can't express it, the alcohol thing is a window.

Also - sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

Bringing children into this situation would be selfish and irresponsible. How can a man who reacts that way to a miscarriage ever be a good father?

Dump him, get some counselling to improve your self esteem and either have children on your own or with a man who is kind and loving.

Maybe I've been a little harsh - he gives me £250/ month, although I have a large mortgage. I earn £82k/yr, he earns £34k/yr. Every time he gets closer, he seems to then get scared and withdraws. The baby wasn't planned, but ironically he was happier than me (I initially took 2 weeks to get my head round it) and initially was gutted at miscarriage, but within a day or two wanted to draw a line under it. When he heard about the baby he was clear that he saw this as a chance to 'be a dad properly'. I guess when I went for surgery and the days after I just wanted him to say that he loves me, but these words don't come. When I ask him if he loves me he replies 'I love you in my way, but I am not good at saying it' but he will never say it unprovoked. I just feel him withdrawing at the moment and maybe am magnifying all the problems in my mind.

Alarm bells...

He will not change. Everything that makes you unhappy now will become magnified when you have a baby with him. Can you imagine how hard it'll be when your 9 months preggers, knackered, swollen feet etc etc and he's not showing you any warmth or affection?? Even worse when you've had 2 hours sleep and worked your arse off caring for a demanding newborn/ toddler and all you want is a bit of affection or an 'I love you'.

36 is young- you have another good 6 years plus to become a mummy. Easy to say on the outside I know but it's true.

Don't settle for second best.

And meant to say I'm so sorry for your miscarriage btw. I hope you've had support from somebody in rl.