Possibly triggering - bear with me

[Ilovelatte]

Hi,

I made a whole new registration for this but am a regular (should have called myself 'Ilovefuckerlatte')

Anyway, bear with me and be kind. This may be jumbled - and long.

I have a young child, I also have issues with my past and have just started counselling sessions, trying to work on my anxiety, control issues and depression. Anyway, it's bringing up stuff I feel/felt in the past and funnily enough, reading some threads on here has done the same.

Basically, I'd like to know if it's possible/feasible that a family member could have abused me - but only once?

Background to this:on holiday with saidmy Father, his wife and Step sister (I don't live with any of them) I was around 7-8ish. We went in a caravan but the set up was that there's a toilet and shower cubicle thing outside each one. I get in shower one day and my Dad comes in. I felt horrified and weird and then, well, I don't remember. What I do remember though is my Stepmum going ballistic when she found out and that the next day, I sat alone in a wooden house in the adventure playground all day feeling 'unwell' - I genuinely did feel terrible. Anyway, could this just be that the whole thing upset me or could it be more?

I've drunkenly told a couple of people over the years but as I just don't know I feel a fraud/liar or something.

I have no relationship with my father, he wasn't very nice anyway and was violent to my Mum (she divorced him when I was very young)

I'm just wondering if my fears are unfounded and also if I should discuss this with my Counsellor - I really don't know if I have the guts :(

I do get very paraniod about anyone touching my DD innapropriately and am suspicious generally about this sort of thing, my DH often says to me 'you think everyone's a peadophile' and it's one of my worst fears for my DD.

Sorry this has been long and jumbled, and now I feel sick.

Thanks for listening.

It sounds like something might have happened. Why are you afraid to talk about it with your counsellor?

Ilovelatte. I just wanted to say that Re your daughter I really sympathise. It's exhausting being paranoid and constantly worried about your dds safety isn't it. hugs.

I think its possible you have surpressed a memory. Can you talk to stepmum and ask her why she was so cross that day?

Cailin, I guess I feel like I don't really know and almost like I'm overreacting or attention seeking or something. I also feel like even if I was, it was only once, would it have made this big impact on my life? It feels like it has but am I pinning it on that? I feel like a fraud.

Diet, thank you. It is exhausting. If DD cries when she's been with my DM and stepdad, I wonder if he's abused her - I mean WTF!?

No idea why there's a in my first post!

It's ok not to be sure. Your counsellor won't mind. You aren't overreacting. Your mind is telling you clearly that this incident is significant for some reason so it really is worth exploring.

Is it possible your scared to talk to the councillor incase somehow its confirmed? Then it's somthing you have to face and deal with. There's something im yet to talk with my councillor about because I've never told a soul and once I say it aloud its going to feel a lot more fucking real, you know?

Yep. I'm ashamed to admit its even crossed my mind with dh when he puts her to bed (because she's a sleep hater and cries) My brain immediately scolds me with logic whenever my heart skips and I wander. He would be utterly broken if he ever knew. Honestly in my heart I know he would never, ever..he can't even stick with the naughty step because it upsets her lol. ......I probably do think everyone is a paedophile. I can't help it. Everyone is a risk. I am completely exhausted.

Ilove, yes, it could have happened, or perhaps it didn't.. but I think it needs to come up in counselling either way. My therapist has told me time and time again that whether something happened or not, if I'm reacting to it, it needs to be talked about.

Dietfail, I hear you, it is exhausting. I am sorry you are struggling too.

Thank you. I will try to broach it when I have my next Counselling session.

Cailin, thank you, you've summed it up so well and made me feel that little bit braver.

Diet oh my goodness, yes to saying it aloud and making it more real. I honestly don't know if I'm ready for it but it's almost taking me over anyway IYSWIM?

I've even thought my Mums husbands daughter touched her (so my step sister through their marriage) that's just so fucked up isn't it. I mean she has a bit of a screw loose but to think that is so ridiculous.

Yuppers, thank you as well, good to have a perspective on how the Counsellor might view it. And you know what, like you say, even if it didn't happen, it's obviously really upset me, so it's got to be raised and dealt with I guess.

The hard thing is that I doubt I'll ever know. I had a mad idea to contact him on FB and ask him, that's nuts right?

Me and my Mum are so close but I could NEVER, EVER imagine telling her, How do you do that? The guts it must take......

Do you know what as well, if I did ask him and for some crazy reason he admitted it, I would feel a massive sense of relief.

Sorry to keep posting but Diet - I also have something I've never told a soul, it's hard to bear isn't it?

What cailin said

Trust yourself, and speak to your counsellor.

It is yes.

I honestly don't know if I'm ready for it but it's almost taking me over anyway IYSWIM?

its fighting you.. like you keep pushing it away but it wants you to face it. It is so so horrible. I don't know how much longer I'll keep it up tbh. x

I know from experience that facing it is bloody hard but worth it. Do you have good rl support around you?

Latte. If you want to chat im happy to pm. x

Dietfail, thanks I will pm you shortly.

I didn't tell the Counsellor, got so close and I think he knows anyway, from what we discussed. He doesn't push or talk much for that matter so I think he's waiting for me to say it/tell him.