Can you recapture the love?

[bigsighs]

DH and I had a couple of huge rows at the weekend. On Saturday morning when we woke up he said that he wanted us to clear the air so the weekend wasn't ruined and wanted to know why I was in a bad mood. I told DH I wasn't in a bad mood and he asked why I was I was being short with him then (he felt I had been very short and dismissive with him recently). I told him I didn't think I had been. By this point I was beginning to get cheesed off as he didn't seem to accept that I wasn't in a bad mood and it escalated into a huge argument (so much for clearing the air so the weekend wasn't ruined).

The essence of it is that he doesn't think I make an effort any more; I'm not affectionate towards him; I don't initiate sex; I don't wear sexy underwear; get my nails done; etc. etc. He feels unloved.

I'm not a particularly affectionate person, but the level of affection (on both sides) has definitely declined since our relationship started (but isn't that a bit normal after 8 years?); I don't initiate sex as I'm not particularly sexually confident and I don't have a particularly high sex drive - but I do enjoy it when we have sex; I wear thongs all the time - but he would prefer me to wear really low cut ones which I don't find comfortable - I think he thinks I should put up with the discomfort a bit if it's something he likes); I have stopped having my nails done because since going back to work after maternity leave, I'd rather spend my precious weekends with DD. So, much of what he says is true. But I feel very hurt that he can't love me for who I am - he wants me to be some sex diva and I was never that when we met (although admittedly I was probably a bit sexier at the beginning of the relationship than I am now).

I do think over the years I have withdrawn from him at bit. I think it's because there have been things which have been said or done over the years which have hurt me/upset me and it's just chipped away at the love I feel for him.

How do you put the things that have hurt you behind you and rekindle the love?

Some things on both sides perhaps though sounds more him. I think at the start of a relationship you are more likely to dress to impress than for comfort and its probably a good thing to dip into that mode occasionally to keep things alive, it's also good for personal morale to feel attractive still. The reasons why he does not inspire you to feel like doing that sound understandable though.
He's right that you are not doing thinks that he likes, but is wrong thinking that pointing it out and asking will get results. Happily, most men at some point learn that women need to be treated right first to become inspired to be warm and loving. Either he is just not a good enough person to promote and sustain a loving relationship (bad), or he is oblivious to the things he is doing wrong (workable by spelling it out to him).
I think start by telling him what you wrote in your second post, or even write it down. With some luck, he might be able to curb the annoying stuff. There may be some things that irk you from the past that need further discussion but some you may have to draw a line under. The correct response to the sex post baby issue, when you spell out how hurt you are by that, would be a sorry with realisation. If he'd rather go down the excuses route as to why he continued, no wonder your libido has waned. Even my hopeless ex checked at every noise I made that it was ok to carry on.

Oh OP how are you living with him? It sounds as though you are banging your head against a brick wall.

Have you considered counselling?