When do reasons become excuses?

[ManyCircles]

Namechanged for this.

I'm sorry this is long but I don't want to drip feed.Details changed as I don't want to out myself.

If someone has been neglected/ lived with a v scary SD as a child and had several lots of therapy to try to resolve issues, at what point would you stop making their childhood an excuse for bad behaviour as an adult?

I'm not talking really shitty behaviour, just low level stuff.

When DH worked away for a month at a time, I did everything because he wasn't here. He knows I resented this as his working away was optional and he has now stopped because he realises it was unfair.

As an example of the low level shitty behaviour, I've done my back in and find getting about very difficult. DH has been doing everything because I can't - just like I used to when he chose to work away. Except the bathroom had not been cleaned for 2 weeks and was filthy. I asked him to clean it and explained that I had hoped being able to hand everythng over to him while I'm incapacitated would help heal some of the hurt feelings around me having been left to do everything myself. wanted to be looked after for a change.

2 weeks later the bathroom still hadn't been cleaned and I'd just had enough. I asked why he hadn't done it and said I was really disappointed and why. He just said it was one of the jobs his horrible SD made him do and he was fearful of the 'inspection'. He imediately picked himself up on this and admitted I don't 'inspect' his work - though for a long time he was projecting the SD's behaviour onto me and making me the 'baddie'. He knows this.

This is just one example. He told me when I had our first child that he was going to buy me xyz as a gift but because his SD told him to before he bought it, my DH didn't bother. Not having the xzy didn't worry me at all - but him changing his mind because of this man really did bother me and I'm sick of my needs playing second fiddle to a now long dead horrible man.

These are just 2 examples. DH is late 40s now.

Am I being horrible? Is this how life is for people who have had awful childhoods? Or am I making excuses for him?

It's spoiling our marriage which is otherwise good. He's a good man.

If someone's awful childhood prevents them from leading a normal life (however you define normal) then the correct way to deal with it is to seek professional help dealing with that awful childhood.... not expect others to put up with the fall-out.

He has done that. Several times and he's done well. It has got better in several ways but this part of it needs to change now. I might suggest he goes back for more help with this specific issue. I know he would if I asked. He might suggest it himself anyway.

Thanks for your reassurance that others shouldn't have to put up with the fall out. It's difficult to know what's reasonable sometimes - especially when he's lovely in so many ways.

I don't think you are being horrible but I do kind of see where he's coming from over the bathroom, as there are certain things I dread and struggle with because they bring back niggly fears from childhood and my Mum, eg painting and decorating. She was always a screamy bossy hitting out kind of parent but even worse when things were in turmoil and she was stressed out. I couldn't even really verbalise it till recently, just avoided doing the things that made me feel nervous. Maybe he didn't even realise he was avoiding the task for that reason until you really got him to think about it?

Men are not by nature crap cleaners.

sparkly I had shouting tempery parents too. Horrible, isn't it.

I see where you're coming from and that is very much how the SD used to make him feel. We have talked about it in therapy sessions as a couple and he has had individual therapy too. There is a job that I would never ask him to do because of the abuse around it as a child and it isn't a 'loaded' job for me to to so I really don't mind doing it to spare him that trigger.

That's why I'm most upset that he didn't tell me that the bathroon job was triggering for him when I brought it up after 2 weeks. If he'd told me then, I'd have thought no more about it and got one of the kids to do it. He knew it was an emotional sore point for me because I told him so but just said nothing, leaving me to feel that my stated feelings about it were unimportant. I have trouble stating my emotional needs at the best of times as I don't expect to have them met and it's hurtful when they aren't.

mummy your post made me smile. The kitchen is one of his areas and you could eat off the floor - it's spotless. Also, we have worked hard to change our marriage from a parent-child type so it would be a backwards step for us if I were to leave him a list as that puts him back in the position of child. To be fair, he probably does more of the house stuff than I do - certainly he does 50%.

I do agree that he needs to sort this thing out though.