What did they say?!

[PTFO]

ok, long story short. I want a 2nd baby, DH point blank refuses.

I had difficulty accepting this so went to see a councillor. After my first session she suggested my dh see her. Dh first session went well and he booked another. DH was happy to discuss first session with me as he found it very interesting and I think it helped him deal with/close off some other issues going on, so all very positive but they didn't get chance to discuss in detail the actual reason he was there hence 2nd appt.

After the 2nd session he said he felt confused, he needed time to think. Fair enough I thought. Dh didn't discuss any detail at all.

So I wanted to book another session for myself, DH stopped me saying he wanted to think first then have a chat with me so to hold off a while.

Ive left dh to think and the bloody suspence is killing me. what on earth has she said and what on earth does he want to chat to me about????

Im clinging on to hope that's he's possibly changing his mind...but im worried this is preventing me from sorting out my head if he still says no.

sorry to ramble, not sure what I want any of you to say!

Tell him he is being unkind not talking to you now and if there is issues he needs to think about then he owes you the courtesy of saying what they are.

i think he's woken up to the fact that this is a crossroads decision and either he is unfairly trying to prevent you getting the counsel he received that you both have the right to end the relationship if you/he insist on your/his own way; OR he is worried about telling you he hasn't changed his mind for fear that you will leave

I know that dh is worried about the impact on our relationship. either way. I just want to know what she has said to him, whats going through his head.

It was only a week ago so I need to give him a chance but he knows me well enough to know Im chomping to know!!

thanks. Ive already written a letter, it made no difference other than to hightlight that Ive made HIM feel like shit too and just how much potential damage this could cause.

I get the impression that most peeps feel that he wont have changed his mind...?In my heart I think your right there. I think he has been extra nice to me as he knows how I feel and that his answer is still no. ie trying to show me how good we are together.

I think it's a big mistake you seeing the same counsellor. If you had different counsellors there is no reason why you couldn't continue to get counselling while he muses over whatever it is he's musing over. You are each of you entitled to draw your own conclusions and deal with them in a way that suits you best without waiting on the other to do x, y, z. It is unfair of him to ask IMO.

It was the councillors idea. She suggested seeing dh either on his own or together- we decided that it was fair that he go on his own as I had started on my own, I also wanted dh to be honest about how he was feeling.

Counsellor is happy to see me ongoing on my own but dh has asked I wait abit but if I insisted then that would be fine too. I figured Id give him a bit of space, id hoped he would talk to me this weekend gone but he didn't hence feeling a bit frustrated about it all. We may possibly go together but it al depends whats going on in dh head!

What Im saying is I don't have to wait but dh has asked and I respect that and Im hoping we can work through this together. If not I know where to go. htms.

I don't think you should wait. Why? What is to be gained by you waiting? You DH hasn't asked you to wait before making your decision. He hasn't asked you to wait while he makes a decision. He hasn't asked you to do anything other than remain in the dark for the time being. I don't see how that benefits anyone or is respectful towards anyone.

All relationships rely on information exchange and negotiation. In a good healthy relationship where you share the same goals, that negotiation is very fluid and doesn't feel like the negotiations of war but more like a team discussion and can often feel effortless and quite fun. I accept that the decision to have or not have another child is not something that can be made unilaterally by either one of you and that you need each other's input when making your own respective decisions about this. However, I see absolutely no reason whatsoever why you should be prevented from exploring your own feelings about it while your H explores his. I can't see the benefit of that at all. In fact, I see it is a negative.

I don't mean to imply your DH is being unfair to you or that your relationship is doomed BTW. Far from it. I think it's great that you're working so well together and both on board with the counselling. I just think you need to accept while your decision should be discussed and open to input from your H (so would be worth waiting to make until he's got back to you), your feelings on the matter are yours to explore independently.

Why does he want you to wait?

He can't stop you seeing a counsellor and you don't need his permission for anything.

He sounds controlling.

Is it possible there is something brewing with him and the counsellor?

I think he's being pretty unfair.

This is YOUR counselling.

It's not his place to ask you to stop going.

DH has not asked me to stop going just wait until he has processed his thoughts and we can talk about it. If I wanted to go and see the counsellor right NOW then he would be fine with that. I have no idea whats 'brewing with him and the counsellor'.... I'd love to know!

I think Ill book an appointment for next week regardless of him talking to me or not.

I don't understand why everyone is so quick to assume he is a control freak or that he is being nasty. Surely we work things through together?? Surely Its only fair I give him a chance to think about things after his session, as what did go on has an effect/impact on me and how my future sessions go...dh session was only a week ago!

"Surely Its only fair I give him a chance to think about things after his session, as what did go on has an effect/impact on me and how my future sessions go...dh session was only a week ago!"

Why is it only fair that he sits on this for as long as he pleases?

YOU are the person seeking counselling, because YOU are upset and trying to come to terms with HIS refusal to have another child.

The counselling is supposed to be about you.

Not yet another thing that he decides on your behalf.

I don't really see why you can't get counselling just because he wants to process the thoughts that his counselling session raised.

That just doesn't make any sense.

You having counselling and him thinking aren't mutually exclusive! They can both happen at the same time! That is why people are assuming he's a control freak. Because it's a weird request and makes no sense and sounds a lot like counselling opened his eyes to a few things and he doesn't want your eyes similarly opened until he feels secure in his own position.

It is fair to give him time to process his "thoughts" but not when he is stopping you get the support you need.

PTFO
DH has not asked me to stop going just wait until he has processed his thoughts and we can talk about it. If I wanted to go and see the counsellor right NOW then he would be fine with that.

Then do it, if you want to.
Your counselling is for you

To be fair to him - his counselling is for him, not you. If he needs to process it, he needs time.

I wonder if he's been told to think whether his relationship with you has a future, and he wants you not to go in case she says the same thing to you, and he's worried about separating from you...

Have you thought about how you will cope if the answer to your "I want a 2nd baby" is "Fine, but not with me".

What is your home/work situation; will you be able to manage to stay in the house with child support; would his departure mean you'd need more flexibility from your employer.

Don't worry so much about DC1, children are resilient and will cope - but you may well get "so you're a single parent because I wan't enough for you?". Children can be quite harsh to their parents; DC2 in my case is equally horrible to both me and XW at various times - in her 20s, I worry less about it.

I am very surprised that a counsellor is seeing you both as individual clients like this. I understand that couples therapy can sometimes mean seeing people separately, but it sounds like you may both need regular sessions on an individual basis - and I am not sure whether it is appropriate for the same counsellor to be delivering this to you both. I think you should swap to another counsellor so that you can continue your own process, and to avoid uncomfortable 'cross over' with your partner's therapy.

I know it's really, really tough, but I honestly think you need to put any planning that you do on hold for a while until you've had the chat he's promised. Otherwise that 'what if-ing' is going to drive you crazy. Just keep yourself busy, and try not to think about it as much as you can. To be honest, my hunch (and it is just a hunch) is that it's probably quite positive, and that he's dealing with some fears he has and that you'll ve OK. :)

So at his first session they built a rapport, at the second the original topic was addressed, he wanted time to reflect. My guess fwiw is, either he just wants to ponder it and not give the impression of making a snap decision, (yes or still no to a DC2), or he is playing for time, hoping you'll come round to his way of thinking without him looking like he is trying to rule it out.

Either way you're entitled to seek further counselling of your own.

OK, Ive booked an apt for this week. Ive not told dh yet-should I? Im going on the assumption that his answer is still no. So Yes I do need to explore my feelings about that.

Mainly because Im fed up of waiting too. I opened up this 2nd child conversation nearly a year ago. So off I tot to a counsellor and now I kinda feel like dh has hijacked it for himself while yet again Im left waiting. Left in the dark as to what is going on in his head.

thanks for the replies everyone.

I know you said you opened this up nearly a year ago, but you also said "DH point blank refuses", so I think you probably know what is going on in his head.