He's not going to change, so why can't I leave?

[LittleMissGerardPoppyButler]

I have posted here before but a while ago.

My OH lacks empathy and I find it very hard to communicate with him/get him to see my side of things.

My anxiety doesn't help matters and I am currently waiting for some counselling for this.

I just want a partner I can talk to, rather than one who tells me what he thinks and that's it, no discussion.

I have spent 15 years hoping things might change but I know they won't now.

We have 2 boys who are 7 and 6 and I would really miss them when they stayed with him for weekends etc when we split up, and I would worry about them as he doesn't have much common sense. I also worry how I would manage financially. I think my anxiety plays a big part in this.

I feel I am stuck and find it really hard to talk to him, I have tried to bring things up with him but he either denies he is doing it, or thinks its not his place to do things, or claims to do things then doesn't.

I have accepted we are not compatible but can't take that next step. Will there come a time when I feel I can?

Sometimes you have to have the courage to take the step first... then allow your feelings to catch up. If you wait until you're in the right frame of mind, you can waste years of your life prevaricating. If you have anxiety, it won't be helped by feeling trapped in an anxiety-provoking situation. If you reject the situation, you may find you don't suffer from anxiety so much at all.

In the meantime, do some background preparation. Take legal/practical advice, for example and see what the financial score would be. Confide in a friend or family member so that you don't feel so isolated. If you're worried about missing your kids, start developing a better social life so that you have other things to occupy you when you need them.

I hope that you can take the next step within the next few months rather than say when your children are 17 and 16. They are learning from the two of you as to how relationships are conducted; what do you think they are learning here from you?. You would not want your sons to treat their girlfriends like this would you?. Of course not.

Perhaps some of the following apply to you:-
Reasons why a woman may not be ready to leave:
•She may still care for her partner and hope that they will change (many women don't necessarily want to leave the relationship, they just want the violence to stop).
•She may feel ashamed about what has happened or believe that it is her fault.
•She may be scared of the future (where she will go, what she will do for money, whether she will have to hide forever and what will happen to the children).
•She may worry about money, and supporting herself and her children.
•She may feel too exhausted or unsure to make any decisions.
•She may be isolated from family or friends or be prevented from leaving the home or reaching out for help.
•She may not know where to go.
•She may have low self-esteem as a result of the abuse.
•She may believe that it is better to stay for the sake of the children (eg wanting a father for her children and/or wishing to prevent the stigma associated with being a single parent).

Women and children need to know that they will be taken seriously and that their rights will be enforced. They need to have accessible options and be supported to make safe changes for themselves and their children. Resources and support they will need to leave safely include: money, housing, help with moving, transport, ongoing protection from the police, legal support to protect her and the children, a guaranteed income and emotional support. If a woman is not sure if these are available to her, this may also prevent her from leaving.

Perhaps on some level you are hoping that he will somehow still change, you could also feel ashamed (wrongly I might add as abusers can be very plausible to those in the outside world) that you have managed to somehow choose such an awful man to be with.

If he lacks empathy this is really bad news for you because such people do not change. Its part of their overall personality and you and the children to him do not matter one iota.

Have you considered that he may well be the root cause of your anxiety
and you may well find that once he has gone your anxiety also will with it.

Please call WOmens Aid; they can and will help you here.

I don't know why you can't leave but my guess is that whilst he's not meeting your needs, he's needing the need of your children as a father?

What could DCs possibly need that justified their mother being crippled with anxiety?

I am in a similar situation, I have anxiety issues and when I have needed DH to support me, he just gets frustrated and his lack of empathy makes me feel worse. In the end I just gave up trying to talk to him and am trying to learn how to be on my own, its hard and he has depression and my son suffers anxiety, OCD so I feel trapped with a partner who cannot support me emotionally. I believe that my living in a loveless marriage is making me ill and the courage of those on this site who have left unhappy relationships makes me feel I should be stronger, I wish you luck.