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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How can I help her?

6 replies

simpleth1ngs · 11/11/2013 13:53

My mum is drinking way too much. She lives alone and I live a couple of hours away so I can't visit much as can't afford to and I'm busy with work and everything too but do stay every 6 weeks ish (including now). I have spoken with her about it and she says she'll cut down but doesn't. I went to bed early last night and she drank a bottle of wine and half a bottle of vodka to herself.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/11/2013 13:59

You can't really help an alcoholic, unfortunately. As you're finding, empty promises are a lot easier than doing something about it. I'm sorry you're in this situation and know how worrying it is. Would you consider calling Al-Anon?

simpleth1ngs · 11/11/2013 14:01

She doesn't think she's an alcoholic though, so I don't know what they could do? She fell badly a few months ago whilst really drunk and I hoped that would be a wake-up call. Luckily I was here at the time but I worry about what would happen if I wasn't - she's very isolated and doesn't socialise much.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/11/2013 14:01

The 3cs of alcoholism are ones you would do well to remember:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

I am sorry but you cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped.
You are in real danger of being dragged down with her.

If you are staying with her I would leave as soon as you are able to, this evening if you can. You do not want to remain within such an environment as it is very unhealthy for you to be around this as well. You end up enabling, being co-dependent and carrying their alcoholism.
Do not police her drinking, you cannot keep making a mental tally of how much she is putting away.

Bargaining as well is often seen but it never works either. Your mother is likely badly underestimating how much she is actually drinking and she is not serious at all about wanting to address her alcoholism. She has to want to stop for her own self, not anyone else.

I would suggest you talk to Al-anon as they are helpful to family members of problem drinkers. They will be helpful to you

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/11/2013 14:04

Al-anon is for family members of problem drinkers so they can and will help you. You cannot help your mother because she does not want yours or anyone's else's help.

Such people never think they are alcoholic; being in denial is a huge part of the problem and is part and parcel of the whole issue.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/11/2013 14:04

You could possibly get your mum's GP to pay a housecall. She may take a doctor seriously but it's a slim hope.

sadwidow28 · 11/11/2013 19:41

The short answer is: You can't.

She has to help herself. That starts with her admitting that she is alcoholic - but then she has to actually WANT to fix it.

It isn't an easy road. My brother had 5 de-toxes (one a residential 3 month course that he discharged himself from after 6 weeks).

He lived with me for 2 years after my SIL divorced him for the sake of their 6 year old son. I cared for him, I kept a roof over his head, I fed him, I drove him to meetings every Monday - Wednesday morning (after which he went to Weatherspoons for a drink!)

Al-anon was my saviour because I learnt that I couldn't cure him and he was on a road to destruction whilst he continued drinking to excess.

He came out of his 5th detox on a Tuesday - and I suspect he was drinking again by Wednesday but he denied it. By Friday he was prostrate at the bottom of my stairs not able to move any further from the front door. By Monday the police arrived at my door to say that he was dead at the top of the road - he was on his way home but alcohol toxicity had got the better of him.

Of course I grieved for my clever, lovely, witty brother: the athlete who was a cycling champion.

I have never grieved for the alcoholic brother who would stumble out of a taxi, not manage to get his key in the door and fall asleep under the shrubs in my front garden. The brother that I would have to drag into the house the next morning before my neighbours saw him in the front garden.

When I had to identify his body, I was allowed by the police to go into the 'showing room'. I remember I approached him as said, "Well, what have you done to yourself this time?" and I kissed his head.

You see, Al-anon taught me that I was NOT responsible. I could accept his death as something that was HIS responsibility. And when the inevitable came, I was able to cope.

Then I had to start to phone the family to say that DB had died - and it definitely was him because I was just back from identifying him ..... but that is another story!

OP, please think about going to a meeting or two with Al-Anon. You don't have to go every week. You can go and not speak, listen to others. The group will probably be pretty much established by the regulars, but I was so welcomed when I walked through the doors with trepidation. I remember a very kind lady who said, "I have noticed that sadwidow is nodding a lot to our stories and updates. Sadwidow, would you like to say something? It is up to you."

OP, I hope that this helps you in some way to see that your mother's alcoholism is NOT your problem and there are RL support groups that you can tap into if you feel it would help you.

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