thinking I would be better off alone?

[WantToFeelBetter]

I did put this in the am i being unreasonable section but someone said it might be better here.

Name change for obvious reasons.

Brief history: Married 15 years, have kids together. Found out DH was having emotional affair which ended 18 months ago. He changed jobs and since then has done everything to try and put things right. BUT. His old workplace have asked him to go back up there to work for a week. It is where he met HER, but she isn't there. But it is the place where he betrayed me. He went up there last christmas too, and promised that he wouldn't go there again and that he told them he wouldn't. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago and it crops up again. I am more upset that he has broken a promise on something that is a big deal in our relationship. He hasn't been willing to compromise about it, been selfish saying that I keep him a prisoner (erm...no I haven't stopped him doing ANYTHING which all things considered I think is pretty reasonable!) just this one thing I don't want him to do and I think he is being a bit selfish. This past year hasn't been easy. We have had a lot of added stresses including a miscarriage (unplanned pregnancy but still upsetting) and a sick child and other close family member. He said he doesn't remember even promising me sad Yes it's extra money, yadda yadda but I really don't care. That place is where he betrayed me in the first place and him going back there feels like a kick in the guts....

I just don't know what to do. It feels like the straw that broke the camels back. My mum said to get him to sign something to say that he won't go there again, but I shouldn't have to do that??

Day to day things have been ok but he is always promising things, ok, little things, like 'we will go to the cinema next week....I promise we will make X night our night and I will cook' etc...but he never does

I love him to bits, but I am fed up of just feeling constantly let down by him.

Sorry meant to say as well, I haven't just found out, I found out a while ago and it went on for some time after I found out and another instance of him promising something then breaking it........

For a relationship to successfully move on after an affair, the person who had the affair has to work very hard indeed to rebuild the trust. That means being 100% open, honest and willing to consistently do whatever it takes to restore the other person's faith that they won't go down the same path again. Even then, it may not be enough.

Sound like, 18 months on, he's had enough of making an effort and thinks you should be over it. Add that to the persistently dishonest behaviour and you've got someone who doesn't respect you very much and maybe doesn't care that much either. Signing a piece of paper wouldn't change that. Loving him to bits therefore seems very one-sided. Sorry.

He changed jobs and since then has done everything to try and put things right.

No, he hasn't because he can't do the one thing you specifically asked of him. And he lied about it too.

That is not the behaviour of someone who has done everything possible.

Hi OP, yes it probably better in here as aibu can be a bit bitey at times.

I think the problem of the location is a red herring. If she isn't there anymore then its just a place regardless of memories & a place won't make him be unfaithful. I think the real problem is that you don't trust him & to be honest I can see why.

I'm sorry if I upset you but I'll speak plainly:

I don't think that signing anything will make a difference in any way. He's an adult & if he chooses to go back against your wishes then there is something in there that's more important than you. Can I point out that he's already making excuses & that's its not his fault. By saying you have been selfish saying that I keep him a prisoner he is then justifying going against what you want as you treat him so badly & therefore its all your fault etc etc etc

It is just a place OP, what do you think will happen if he goes back? Is she likely to still be there? Will he have another affair? The building itself isn't the issue, the building won't decide to make him unfaithful, he will decide that himself.

But then even that is unimportant. If you feel that strongly against something he should respect it. Even if he did genuinely forget he promised not to go when he realises how you feel it should not enter his head to still do it.

Do you trust him to be faithful in the future regardless of the location?

the place is upsetting but I am more upset that he has broken his promise not to go back there.....

Doesn't sound like he's sorry at all or is trying to do all he can to keep you happy, not good, his actions speak louder than words and he clearly cannot empathise with how this makes you feel which is really quite uncaring - If you haven't done so already I'd be telling him, if he goes, don't come back.

Seriously, my hubby has forgotten things he'd said in the past which is hard for me to comprehend as I have a memory for these things, he doesn't.

The important thing to to deal with this on face value. If he says he doesn't remember just say again that it hurts you to think he'll be back there and say that, for you, the extra money won't compensate you for the pain you'll feel.

That SHOULD be enough to stop him going as if he loves you he won't go.

If you hold into the fact that you think he's broken a promise you are making it harder to move forwards.

I have said that Joysmum....he has still gone up there today. He sent me a text a while ago saying 'I love you, everything will be ok, we will get through this' I just wanted to scream.... the only way we will 'get through this' is if i keep my mouth shut and let him get on with it.

I agree with the person who said the place isn't the problem, it's his job aswell, he can hardly say I can't go because my wife doesn't want me to. The issue is you don't trust him. How can he win that trust back and does he deserve to?

Unfotunately he knows you love him and he has got away with it in the past and usually they will stray again Dont ever be afraid of being on your own you have your children and its not so bad to be single again infact its pretty good as time goes by i have been a single mum now for 9 years and have enjoyed it and when my girl is 18 and I have done my mother duties I am going to enjoy my life even more Infact my x hubby came yesterday to see his daughter which he does once a month and I realised how lucky I was not to be married to him anymore and to have inner peace

Oh no, I'm so sorry that he knows all of that and won't put your needs first. In my book that another betrayal and I would give an ultimatum and end it if necessary because I'd expect my hubby to want to make me happy. We deserve that and I expect it.

Hope things improve for you x

Joy, as Op has said upthread, it wasn't that her H had "forgotten" he was simply dismissing her feelings

Not the actions of someone who wants to put things right

Like Op says, she has been forced to STFU or make a big deal of it, risking him painting her as a neurotic woman who can't let go of the past

Not much of a choice is it ?

Poor you, OP. I am very sorry. What I do think is though that when there has been any infidelity in a relationship if it doesn't break up straight away, there is often more of a slow burn thing where the outcome is still the same (but of course the hurt goes on for much longer). If you had split, you would be well on your way to recovery by now, but still his actions have the power to make you feel as shit as the day you realised he had betrayed you