I attract clingy/weird/unstable friends

[jacinta1]

From a young age my friends have always been people for whom I am their only or one of very few friends. Even the women who seem to have quite a few friends seem to instantly make me their best friends very quickly. They have all had a few things in common, they were lonely until I became their friend, didn't have a boyfriend or had a constant string of different men, were unhappy with their life and often were unstable in some way. My post may seem pretty nasty but I am not a nasty person. I am a kind person by nature and as a result I think people with problems seem to gravitate towards me. I am happy to help people with problems but I have had enough now, I long for a healthy friendship where I am a good friend to someone but not their sole means of socialising/ rescuing/support.
I always seem to have a lot of people who want to become friends with me and I am a friendly person so usually do agree to meet up etc. Maybe I need to decline more offers to meet up so as not to start getting to know people I won't want a friendship with.
At the moment I feel suffocated by trying to keep a number of friends happy by meeting up with them as I am their only friend. I know if I don't see them this week they may not have any company at all. But, I just can't keep doing it anymore as I have a newborn baby and a Masters degree to finish. I also am not getting the benefits of a friendship myself. I feel a constant guilt and exhaustion over it. I have tried to introduce these friends to each other and take them out in the hope they meet new people but it never works.
I have now had enough and really want a friendship where the person does not rely on me for company/counselling and for whom I don't feel guilty for not meeting up with. I am done with having friends who I'm meeting up with out of sympathy. Why do you think I attract such people? How can I go about making healthy friendships?
I do have a small number of friends who are more stable and I think I need to make more effort with them.
Just to add, I don't have a problem with being someone's only friend or being friends with someone that doesn't have many friends. It's being friends with someone who is desperate for company, and for whom you are their only source of company.

Yes you need to decline more offers. You can be 'friendly' with people without taking it to the level of being 'a friend'. You're not responsible for them, you're not there to rescue them, you are under no obligation to meet them, be their social life or introduce them to other people. Be far more selective by saying 'yes' to the stronger ones & 'no' to the Klingons. It'll feel selfish at first but if you're feeling guilty and exhausted, that's not good for your health.

You sound like a crutch for all these people. Can you introduce them all to each other so that they can generate other friendships, so you are not carrying the burden of them all!!! Or tell yourself 'No, I need to put myself first', or even tell them, you feel a bit swamped at the moment and need to focus on new baby/masters in order to get through this particularly tough time in your own life.

Remember you have to get something out of friendships too, perhaps at the very minimum an understanding that your life ebbs and flows like everyone elses and sometimes you are busy and simply need to focus on yourself.

Perhaps you could try to do one sort of last round with the friends who are exhausting you -- basically, meet up with each of them one last time, and when you see them explain (diplomatically) that with the baby and the MA you aren't going to have time to socialise very much anymore, for quite some time. You wanted to explain to them so that they don't take it personally or anything, because you are going to be seeing everyone much less.

Then just slowly and kindly distance yourself. You don't have to feel guilty as you warned them, and it's not even untrue what you're saying.

And yes, in future be more selective. It's not necessarily about whether people are complicated or unstable, but whether they are capable of having a two-way friendship. Some of my friends are incredibly complicated and odd but they are also very much there for me and put up with my own weirdness.

OP, I could have written this post about myself....even my DH commented a few years ago that I seem to attract these sort of people as friends....nothing much more to add I'm afraid.

New baby + Masters is a great excuse/reason to sort this situation out.

Develop firm boundaries as to when/where/for how long you can see these friends. And yes, make more effort with the nice stable ones! If you don't make much effort with friendships then your non-needy friends will slip away as they're not getting much back from you.

These friends are actually good friends in many ways. If I needed anyone they would be there and it's because they are good friends that I feel bad. But it's the clingy behaviour that I have simply had enough of. I am their only source of company. Even though they would be there for me I wonder f this is to make me want to stay friends. I also feel they are desperate to keep me happy in order to stay friends. I could take advantage if I wanted to but I am not that kind of person

Two of these friends keep asking me if they can look after baby when I go back to University. I declined but both keep asking if they can look after him when I'm busy and keep making it clear they are available. I don't believe that they would harm the baby but I also feel both are unstable judging by the fact they both are promiscuous and have convictions for violence! They are both also depressed so I wouldn't want my baby with them. Their constant asking is wearing thin now. Neither women know each other btw. I just don't even know how to get them to stop askig

Jacinta I have felt the same over the past few years, where I have made friends with seemingly well-balanced, happy, "normal" people, but over time it transpired that there were a huge number of family and friends that they had fallen out with, then they would tell me they didn't like my friend "x" or my friend "y"s DH was weird isn't he? Etc, etc...
It seems you attract the friends that want so much support and don't give anything back. I find it hard to say "no" and I am a people pleaser doormat. I will watch this thread with interest. Sorry, no advice to give - it's hard to identify the vampires before you befriend them!

LadyVJJ they are good people but just so needy and clingy. I will have to end contact. There have been times in my life when I have been very lonely. But I never was clingy or needy

Good luck with easing off the contact. At least you have a good excuse to do so. I'm sure they are lovely. My friends are too, but they need to run an awful lot of stuff by me, involve me in their soap opera disasters and I don't get the same level of interest back - like you, NOT that I would be clingy/needy with them!