Help me be strong and LTB!

[Jamwidge]

I have just had a huge discussion with DP where I have finally told him I don't want to be together, we have been unhappy for a long time and now I have found myself unexpectedly pregnant and he is trying to bully and force me into a termination.

I am undecided on whether to continue with the pregnancy but have finally accepted that I cannot be with him any longer.
At the moment I pretty much hate him.

He has gone from being vile and saying i'm selfish to split the family up (we have 2 dc) and I only want another baby so I can sit in my arse at home and get all his money (I do have a job btw!)

He has also threatened to leave the country, so it will apparently be my fault that ds won't have a dad

I have told him I think our relationship is beyond repair and there is no love or respect left but he is now saying that I'm making a huge mistake and I will regret it as we could work things out.
I'm now wavering, wondering whether I should try and give it a go.

I have been unhappy for so long and the thought if being free of him is such a relief, but I also know he will try to make my life hell, and wondering if I should try harder for the sake if the dcs

I wish I had written down a list of all the things that are shit about our relationship to remind me why I have started this decision to end it

Now I can't think straight and feel guilty and like it's my fault that is all gone wrong

It's not a family, though, is it, if he treats you like this?

YOU are not splitting anything up ... it is already split.

Write it all down: a very good idea. Then keep the list by you for every time he tries to twist it to make you look like the villian.

My ex would do this to me, I'd waver and stay; then it would happen again. And again, and again...

I say oh to a friends and rant, whenever you say something that makes you unhappy write it down, whenever he makes you feel unsure read your list again

Wiser people than me will be along shortly, but I hear you saying that you are being bullied over your pregnancy and accused of splitting up the family whilst he's the one threatening to abandon his DCs? Sounds to me like you have nothing to feel guilty about in wanting to end this relationship. Of course you will waver, and mourn whatever good times there were. That's absolutely normal and to be expected. But please don't be unhappy any longer.

Anybody that threatened to leave the country and his responsibilities behind in order to a make me get back in line would be over and out permanently

I don't understand why you think there might be any redeeming features here

I think that whatever hell he makes after you dump him, the hell you will be in if you continue with him will be worse because you will get no respite.

Your DCs only need a good dad. A bad dad can be worse than an absent father.

Amen to your last point, Lweji. I couldn't agree more.

Its your DP who should try harder for the sake of your DCs - not you. Youve been unhappy for a long while and now, whats he doing? Upsetting you when you're pregnant, at a time he knows you may feel particularly vulnerable. Does he live in the dark ages?! he talks as if, his money makes your world go round!

If he feels you could make a go of it and you agree, then let him tell and show you how, and then actually DO it. In this case, talk alone is useless. He sounds like a bully who cant face up to responsibilities so throws a spanner in the works every so often to keep things on edge. Call his bluff, see what he does.

Although I can tell you're fed up to the back teeth of this man Im loath to say 'LTB'. You know best, so just weigh up the pros and cons. Be careful not to waste your good years on a man who isnt worth it..or is possibly still going to be with you when you're aged 70 looking back at your life down the years, bemoaning the fact you stayed with him and all he's done is give you headaches and heartache, and you could have got out earlier. I have a mind you are the stronger one here and he is actually the weak one. Good luck.

Ideally, when you have the 'it's over' conversation you should be able to follow through and separate yourself from the other person. Otherwise - and especially if we're talking about a bully - they will go to town on you with threats, guilt-tripping and general head-fuckery. He doesn't respect your opinion and isn't taking you seriously at all. The longer you stick around, the more you'll doubt yourself.

As a rule of thumb if your partner makes you afraid to leave him//her, that's a reason for you to leave.

Would he agree to a 'trial' time apart? You'd be able to really get some space and think clearly again.

Totally agree with lweji's point. He would make trouble for you for a while- but it's not like living a miserable day, day in day out. Personally, when my situation was finally over, I felt relief. Any hassle he gave me afterwards was small fry really because I'd close the front door behind me and I was at peace and content.

Try to get some space to think things through if you can
X

mistallchuckingfrighty saved me typing the exact same thing.

Thanks for your replies, it's given me a lot to think about.

Today he is acting like nothing has happened. It's always the same, I tell him I feel it's over and he blows his top, makes awful threats, then next day acts like it's all fine.

I fucking hate him, I wish he would leave but he has made it clear he won't let me have 'his' house (it's jointly owned)
I'm going to try and save money so I can leave but it's going to take a long time to get a deposit together to rent somewhere as I don't earn a lot.

I'm supposed to be eternally fucking grateful that he 'took on' me and my dd from prev relationship and that I have apparently been living off his money all this time.
In fact, I had more money when I was a single parent in a council flat because I was in control of what I spent.

Sick of living like this, being made to feel like I'm selfish and miserable for wanting out of this never ending shit.

In your shoes I would be very tempted to see exactly what the possibilities are for you if you ended it immediately. Talk to anyone that can help you.... solicitors, local housing authority, CAB, friends, family etc. I'd be amazed if there wasn't more practical help out there than you currently think. Especially the solicitors incidentally... as joint owner of a property there are ways to realise that asset.

In your shoes, I would go back to being a single parent in a council flat rather than live like this

sorry, that was inadvertent parroting cog

Tell him you will have the termination on condition that he moves out. And lie.

If that doesn't work, contact Gingerbread about financial support. If the house is joint owned it will have to be sold within 6 months if there is a dispute. In the meantime you will get housing benefit on rental property.

And tell him he will be fine without you, he will find someone else, probably more beautiful, with more money. Lie again. X