Bad PMT and Dh being a C*nt

[Marne]

Not sure if i'm posting in the right place (maybe it should be in health or mental health).

Dh and I don't always get on, he is quite controlling (or he tries to be) and he often speaks to me like im a piece of rubbish. I gave up working a few years ago to look after my 2 autistic daughters (with all the hospital appointments and school meetings it was hard to hold down a job), dh works but now always full time. When he's home he calls me lazy and often says 'what have you done all day', moans that the house is a mess (kids make mess) and thinks I do nothing all day. He's also very controlling with money, wants to know what I spend, what on and when and often tells me I cant go out to look around the shops (we are not skint).

I dread the weekends, yesterday he worked, I spent the day at home with the dd's, I cleaned the house, did all the ironing and looked after the dd's, I made sure the house was tidy for when he was due home. I enjoy it when he's at work and its just me and the dd's, its more relaxed and the dd's are better behaved.

Today he has been home all day and all he has done is moan about the state of the house and has made out I have been sat on my ass all week doing nothing.

Today is a bad day to upset me as I have PMT, I suffer badly with it so I have spent the day shouting and swearing at him, have asked him to leave several times (he say's 'its sunday and I have nowhere to go'). I feel so angry with him and angry with myself for putting up with it .

I leant him some money yesterday and today I asked if I could have it back so I could go out and get the dd1 some trousers tomorrow and he refuses to give it to me as he doesn't want me to go out (I will go anyway).

I know you are probably going to say 'leave him' (believe me I have heard it 100 times and I wish I could)

What stops you leaving exactly? Aside from him saying he has nowhere to go, obviously...

You dont feel ready to leave yet, maybe that is because you do not know if you will cope alone or what to expect?

I think you should talk to Womens Aid as your P is being, at the very least, financially abusive. Also have a chat with someone at the CAB and get a free half hour with a solicitor. Actually, take a free half hour with every solicitor locally because, a) you will get a lot of good advice, and b) if you decide to proceed to a divorce once a solicitor has advised you, they cannot act for him.

You say you are all happier and more relaxed when he is out, well, wouldnt that be better if he was living elsewhere?

Get advice and information.

It took me years to leave my Ex. I wish I had left earlier.

I don't have any family support, I wouldn't cope financially (I would have to claim JS and would be forced to work, though I would love to work it would be hard to find child care with no family support), I do have my own business from home but this is more of a hobby and could no way support us.

I have asked him to leave several times, i'm not sure if he thinks I am joking or if he is just refusing to go thinking I wont make him. Theres no way I am leaving as I don't want to unsettle the dd's, we are in a HA house which is in both of our names but I don't want to lose the house.

He's now snoring on the sofa, its the same every night (he falls asleep by 9pm), once the dd's are in bed we don't really talk, he falls asleep on the sofa and stays there all night (most nights) .

I can see all too clearly what he gets out of this dysfunctional abusive relationship (he has you to control) but you now?.

Staying within this only prolongs the agonies for you and your children; this is no life for you or them for that matter. What he is doing now is basically dragging you down with him. This is therefore an untenable situation.

Financial abuse is abusive behaviour on his part as well.

Legal advice needs to be sought by you asap, you need proper advice and information.

Please do speak to Womens Aid too; they can and will help you here but you need to be brave and take the first, often the most hardest of steps, to make that call.

You have obstacles to leave yes of course but no obstacle is truly insurmountable.

You don't have pmt you have an arsehole for a husband.
I have pmt and my normally marvellous helpful and accepting husband annoys the shit out of me for simply breathing.
Stop blaming yourself, I'd have murdered him by now and I'm not even joking!
Do you want to start again?

You realise he would be obliged to support you and the DCs financially if you split?

I know ,he does try and control me I don't often do what he wants me to do, if he tells me I cant go out then I go out, i'm not scared of him, just fed up with him trying to control me and the constant putting me down.

I'm not sure what advice I need really, we don't have a joint bank account, I have the majority of our money in my name (so would not be totally up shit creek), most things are in my name, it will be him that will be stuck and I think he knows that (which is why he wont go).

You'd find that if you stopped asking and just started the divorce ball rolling, there would come a point where he'd have to go, like it or not.

Ledkl- I am so tempted to smother him whilst he's snoring away on the sofa.

Dh has been married before and I have 3 step children (1 who is still at school), i'm very close to dsd (not as close to the dss's) so I have her to consider too.

If u get dla and carers allowance you would claim income support and not jobseekers which means u would not as a carer be forced into looking for work

Don't consider it too much without actually finding out facts.
Women's aid or citizens advice will be able to tell you your entitlement.
It's great once you do it, one a second chance at life.

I'm not sure Timid-heard a story from a friend who has been forced to look for work even though she is carer to her ds (sounds crazy).

I think you need to get advice then as I'm not sure this applies but something to look into. but don't live your life for others, you and your children are the most important people.
I wish I would take my own advice, it is hard to think of changing everything but you and you children are the core of the family and that is a constant wherever they are with you that is home

Does your husband have autism?

Tingle- it's highly likely he is on the spectrum, he also suffered huge truma as a child.

He is sucking up big time today but still moaning, he seems to think his working day ends when he gets home from work, apparently being a house wife and mum to 2 children with sn's is not as hard work as what he does at work, when he gets home he does nothing to help me out ( though at the weekend he will re do all the house work I have done as its not to his standards ), he never cooks or helps put the kids to bed and at the weekend he sits infront of the telly ( after he has done the cleaning ) and falls asleep, he rarely comes out with me and the kids, if we go anywhere its somewhere he wants to go, he's a useless dad to all 5 of his children . He says he's too tired after work to do anything ( some weeks he only works 3 days ).

I told him I had written on here ( I don't care if he she's it ) and I told him that people think this is abuse and he's controlling, he doesn't think it's controlling, he says he just likes the house up together and likes to be careful with money, he admitted to being a bit OTT with the house being tidy but said he feels uncomfortable if there's any mess ( he had a go at me because he found a crisp packet under the sideboard which obviously meant I hadn't cleaned properly ).

Bullies rarely admit they're bullies.... They have an excuse for everything and take responsibility for nothing. You sound like you've stopped caring what he thinks, which is progress. Makes it a lot more difficult for him to control you. Aside from deliberately leaving lots of empty wrappers under the sideboard to piss him off ..... what's your next step?

I've been out shopping this morning ( he didn't want me too but I went anyway ), he says he's looking forward to spending tomorrow with me ( his day off ) sadly I don't feel the same and I told him that. I think I will find things to do to stay out of his way ( like wrap Christmas presents as he hates Christmas ). He seems to think he can says sorry and I will forgive him for being a c nt, I told home one sorry won't work for being a cnt for 10 years.

Keep detaching... it makes things easier.

If you are self employed, and a single parent, then you can get WTC and CTC. You will most probably still get HB too. If you get carer's and DLA then you CTC will go up a fair amount too. Takes the pressure off needing to go out to work. Also you would get quite a high percentage of your chilcare covered with tax credits if you did work.
his maintanance payment to you wont be counted in the figures for any of these benefits.
speak to the ex. maybe she would be happy for your kids and SDS to coninue their relationship

Regardless of the reasons for his actions (and I would really not try to analyse him at all) you are being abused at his hands.

As for being on the spectrum he equally may not be anywhere on it at all (I presume he has never sought any sort of diagnosis). It does not give him carte blanche to treat you so abusively regardless; there is no justification for his actions. And why does he do this - well its because he can.