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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

H/A house...wwyd?

21 replies

MalibuBarbie31 · 10/11/2013 17:47

Hi all and thanks for taking the time to read this .
My dilemma is as the title I've been offered a h/a
House about two streets away from where I currently live .

Some background info : I live with my partner currently in a house that has his name solely on the tenancy.

He is an excellent father and does a lot of the housework/cooking and looking after of my dd1 (11) who has mld and is on the asd spectrum.
She absolutely thinks the world off him and it would break her heart if we moved.
(The house would be for me and my daughter )

In the past years my partner has been emotionally abusive would call me names withdraw affection etc so this led me to apply for housing.

His behaviour is generally ok now though he isn't abusive any more but I do sometimes see a bit of anger in him ,which isn't nice.

So I'm wondering wwyd? Asd children don't respond well to change ,and we have moved house 8 times already since she was born.
The house would be a good opportunity for me for me to have a fresh start ,and are so hard to get these days.

Thanks for reading any advice appreciated x

OP posts:

QueenBoudicea · 10/11/2013 17:49

I'm not clear whether you'll remain in a relationship with your partner?

Original poster

MalibuBarbie31 · 10/11/2013 17:51

Hi queen ,I suggested to him we see each other a couple of times a week,but not live together .
He has told me in no uncertain terms if I take the house we are through and he wants nothing else to do with me.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 10/11/2013 17:54

! that doesn't sound like a very loving relationship !

noisytoys · 10/11/2013 17:55

Take the house. He is still trying to control you - take control of your own life. Your DD will be fine, the move will be good for her and the security means she won't have to move again.

coppertop · 10/11/2013 17:57

I would take the house.

He's not that great a father if he's displaying abusive behaviour in front of your dd.

I have children with ASD, so can understand the issues with change, but anything has to be better than your current situation.

Matildathecat · 10/11/2013 17:57

I would take it. Hopefully it will offer you permanent stability in the long run. Your dd can adjust again and I'm guessing school, friends etc will stay the same.

Your partner blows hot and cold. She will have seen that. It will be good role modelling for you to move away from that and achieve independence.

Also wondering if you plan to continue relationship?

If you stay then he reverts to his abusive behaviour(or rather when) then you really will be in trouble with nowhere to go.

Good luck

PersonalClown · 10/11/2013 17:59

Take the house. My Ds has ASD too and it wasn't as stressful moving as I thought. He was more worried about the little things.

A stress free life for you and your daughter is better in the long term and she will get over the hassle of moving.

QueenBoudicea · 10/11/2013 18:00

In which case, take the house, wave goodbye to the man and don't look back.

Matildathecat · 10/11/2013 18:02

Don't bother with waving. Tosser!

Sorelip · 10/11/2013 18:05

Take the house, definitely.

Whocansay · 10/11/2013 18:06

Absolutely, take the house.
And run like the wind from this man.

TimeForMeAndDD · 10/11/2013 18:25

Take the house, no question. This particular change will benefit your daughter no end! You have been given a wonderful opportunity for an abuse free future. Much luck and happiness OP

ineedanexcuse · 10/11/2013 18:29

Take the house ,it is your future security.

Where you are now offers you nothing in the way of security.From how your partner speaks to you he could quite easily force you out at a moments notice.

Make sure your DD knows why you are moving and that you will not stop your partner from seeing her if he wishes.

KiwiJude · 10/11/2013 19:13

Take the house. (Is he dd1's father? Just asking on account of the comment he will want nothing more to do with you if you move)

fluffiphlox · 10/11/2013 19:20

Is he the girl's father? If he is he will have to have 'something to do with her'. He sounds an oaf btw. Take the house.

Original poster

MalibuBarbie31 · 10/11/2013 19:27

Thanks for the replys and positive wishes
I really appreciate it :)
Yes he is the child's father .
Something happened about 18 months ago
I had an emotional affair which was about to become physical with somebody he knew ,and when he found out
He threatened the man with physical violence :(
I was deeply unhappy at the time ,and it was a wrong thing to do ,but at least now I can start my own life :)

OP posts:

Lulu1083 · 10/11/2013 19:31

I'm assuming you were with this man when you moved in to this house together, because you've moved 8 times in your dds 11 years, so why is it only his name on the tenancy and not joint?

Teeb · 10/11/2013 19:35

The relationship isn't a good one. He is an abusive, you had an affair. It's absolutely not the environment for your daughter to be growing up in, I'd advise you please leave.

TimidLivid · 10/11/2013 20:25

Take the house as if you don't he can comfortably being to be abusive again and threaten to kick you out and you would no where to go. If you are looking for another relationship or have done in the past it seems like a good idea to take the house and for your daughter to have security would be good

CanucksoontobeinLondon · 11/11/2013 02:42

Take the house and don't look back.

OneMoreChap · 11/11/2013 16:59

You've had an emotional affair, which was about to get physical. (Gosh, and he's called you names and withdrawn affection from you; I can't imagine a woman behaving in a similar fashion.)

You are wanting to withdraw from the relationship.
You're not happy.

He's offering you a clean break; take it.
I presume he'll continue to support his child and while he wants nothing to do with you, I hope you'll encourage their relationship.

Flip