I left my verbally abusive husband almost 2 years ago. We have been legally separated for almost a year and a half and hopefully divorced within the next year. Our children (9, 6, and 5) legally reside with me and see him quite frequently (our current arrangement is about 60 percent with me and 40 with him).
I didn't really think much about dating after my separation. First of all, as we all know, life with young kids can be challenging! It was too overwhelming for me to think about bringing someone into the daily life with the three kids. However, for my birthday last year, my friends bought me a subscription for an online dating sight and encouraged me to have some fun. I didn't believe too much in dating sights and weeded out a lot of potential partners until one caught my attention. We talked for 2 weeks every moment we could get, and when we finally met, we became inseparable.
Well, inseparable in every sense of the word except for one aspect: our living arrangements and our family lives. I've always been intrigued by the LAT, living apart together, relationship. In fact, I've always felt that this sort of living arrangement would be ideal for me. I love my space, I am rather introverted and need some down time. On some evenings, I just want to put the kids to bed and have some space to enjoy a glass of wine by myself with a good movie or book. This isn't to say that I enjoy this every night! But, I love having some nights where I don't have to be there for someone else. I also thought that if I don't find someone who agrees on this type of lifestyle, I need to find someone who travels for business!
My partner absolutely agreed on this type of lifestyle. In fact, he had been separated for 6 years and had never found someone who didn't want to get married (I am not looking for marriage), have kids (I'm finished with child bearing!) or live together. Instantly, we had a connection on our 'material' plans. From the beginning he told me that he had never introduced his 9 year old daughter to anyone nor his parents and that he liked to keep his family life and his love life separate in order to protect his daughter and his parents.
We were in the beginning stages of our relationship and I didn't make much of it. Of course, in the beginning you don't talk to your children or your parents about your relationship. And on top of it all, I'm not even divorced so telling my kids wasn't even an option.
Our relationship has blossomed. We see each other every single moment I don't have my kids, and he has always arranged to have his daughter when I don't have my kids so that we can spend weekends and half of the school vacations together. He lives about 45 min. away from me, so we split up time between my place and his. We love being together, we laugh so much together, we love going to art museums, bike riding, the same movies, cooking together...as a partner for life, I can't imagine spending my time with anyone else. He has shown me what love and respect mean and we adore each other.
We have never fought over anything and part of that I feel is due to the fact that we don't live together. We don't have the added stress of the kids and of all the material stuff that goes into the daily life. When we see each other, it's always magical. I love our life and I have no reason to change anything about it. It's working wonderfully and I don't want to "move forward" by making plans to move in together. I feel like our relationship has moved forward so much in this past year without the added stress of the daily life. This isn't to say we don't share our daily lives: we text each other at least 20 times a day, we always know what the other is doing, we help each other with important decisions. In fact, we both talk about the future in the sense that we feel like we are partners for life. And we do make a few hints that maybe, when the kids are out of the house, we'll get a place together. But, we are both living in the present.
But, there is just one thing: After almost a year together, he still maintains that he doesn't want to get his family involved in our relationship. They "know" that I exist. His 9 year old daughter has seen my name pop up on his phone and has mentioned several times to his parents that her daddy has a girlfriend named_. But he doesn't offer them any concrete information. At the 7 month mark, we had a huge conversation about this subject. Even though I didn't really see the need to cross any more boundaries by getting kids and parents involved, I was a bit hurt by the prospect of never having our kids meet or meeting his family or him meeting mine. His reasoning was as follows: It has taken him years to have the relationship he has today with his daughter and he has promised himself to always protect her. He knows how abusive my ex is and has seen his abuse firsthand through his behavior with me (text messages, phone calls). He feels like if we get the kids involved, it will be a tool for my ex to use which will hurt not only my kids, but his daughter too. He is also deeply convinced that kids and parents don't need to be involved in relationships, that it makes things too complicated and he doesn't want to bring any tension into the relationship. I can see his point on all of the above. I would be very hurt if we did take this step and it completely ruined a wonderful relationship. Also, right now just isn't the time. He feels like his daughter needs to be old enough to understand more in order to bring her into the relationship.
I recently found out that my kids' father is dating someone and that they have slept at her place and she is attending a family gathering with his family. I guess this caused me to question a few things. If he is involved with someone, I guess I feel it would be safer to be more open with my own relationship. I still maintain that I do not want to live together or be hugely involved in his life with his daughter. My vision would be to maintain our current routine but to, from time to time, do things together with the kids. This is SO FAR from even happening. For him, love life and family life just don't mix. In his words, he's not going to spend time with me in front of his daughter when he doesn't feel comfortable kissing me or holding my hand. He's never done it, she's never seen him with anyone, it would be very difficult for her to accept. I guess I'm trying to ask how can I get him to see that we don't have to spend the night together with the kids, we don't have to completely get involved with them, we don't even have to go on vacation or do anything like that, but that if he comes over for dinner one night when I have the kids, or we take the kids to a movie together, it's not the end of the world?
He talks about meeting my dad and how well he would get along with him, but the fact of the matter is, I don't feel comfortable telling my parents about my relationship because they are going to wonder why we are living such a secretive life. As much as they would understand (I think) living separately, I don't think they would understand why we choose to not get the kids involved. And, it's become such a routine that if he needs to go to his parents' for a holiday, he'll go there and then come over to my place afterwards, that I don't see how that will ever change.
When I'm on the inside, with him, living everyday, I feel fulfilled. But, from the outside, when I look at it in perspective, I guess I am a bit hurt that we can't cross boundaries a little more. Perhaps it's my ego talking, but I feel like I'm in a closet locked away.