I'm on a downwards spiral

[FreeAtLastAtLongLast]

I feel so fucking hurt and so lost.

I'm drinking far too much and smoking far too much.

I can't hide my pain. I can't pretend I'm ok any more.

I let someone cruel destroy me. I'm so full of hate and hurt.

I'm grieving too for a young family member and can't deal with it. I can't cope with all the pain and grief within my family. We are in a bad way.

I'd secretly like to get wasted on drugs. I'd like to tear the crap out of my skin, I want to slice the fuck out of my arms, legs and stomach, but I won't. I'd secretly like to spend a week somewhere else in a medicated sleep, but I won't. I'd like to die, but I won't do anything about it.

I know it's not right or normal to feel like this, I've had some low points in my life but never like this.

What do I do?

Have you considered calling the Samaritans?

I haven't verbalised how I feel, I'm scared of putting it out there

What's the worst that can happen if you verbalized how you feel? X

You've been very courageous just writing it down above. Something's preventing you from doing the horrible things you describe so, even though your feelings may be extremely distressing, your instinct for self-preservation is very strong still. Agencies such as Samaritans, your GP or referral services are professionals at helping people who feel exactly as you do. Mental illness, like physical illness, can be diagnosed and treated successfully but you have to ask for the help. Do you have anyone close - a friend or family member - that you can ask for support?

I'm really crying now, your kind words have really touched me. I need kindness but I've been through so much cruelty this year.

I think it would make it real and stop it fading away. But it isn't fading its gotten worse

And if I say how I feel my son might hear, and I don't want him to worry

I don't know how old your son is but, if you're as desperate as you describe, he could easily be worried about you already. Making something real is daunting, I get that, but suppressing everything and hoping it just fades away is making you very ill at the moment. You're clearly a very strong person and I respect that, but even strong people occasionally have to ask for help. Please pick up the phone and make that call or appointment.

you sound like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. I agree with cogito, you need someone to speak to in order to help you and support you, don't bottle it up any longer - it will only make you feel worse.

Please share this, it sounds way to much to hold on your own

I called the Samaritans, I wouldn't have done it without your encouragement, thank you

It wasn't a magic wand but I feel more normal. I recognise that I'm responding in a normal way to horrible situations.

The lady said I should take small steps, because I'm trying to take on the world, and she's right

I don't yet know what the steps are though

Wow well done you. Hope you can see that being normal is a good thing and means you aren't a freak and that you will be better again?
sometimes I didn't recognise that I was making small steps until someone pointed it out to me and I felt that because they were so small they hadn't been good enough.

You have made two huge steps - you posted here and then took the risk of ringing the samaritans.

Does it help to know that the world didn't implode and that you are in fact normal?
Is there a small thing you would like to try now? Go out to buy a paper, cook a meal/cake/watch a tv film .

What do you think?x

Well done op. really hope things become easier. It's not easy to post on here, or to call for help so you have shown such strength.

for you and hugs if you want them. Wishing you the best x

So pleased you rang them. Sometimes just having someone say that the way you're feeling is normal is enough reassurance to take that next step forwards. Keep posting won't you? :)

Well done, you have taken the first of many positive steps, you can do more, have faith and keep posting x

Thank you

I think my steps today have been to recognise that I'm at rock bottom, and to make the decision to treat myself with the kindness that has been so badly lacking in my life.

I'm going to talk to DS, when he wakes up! He knows I'm not ok, but if I don't tell him it's because of our bereavement and XP, he might think that he is the reason I'm not ok

At some point XP will be in touch. Much as I'd love him to beg, plead and promise, it would all be lies he isn't the man I thought he was, and part of my kindness to myself is to not allow him to continue with his cruelty towards me. He is cruel and pathetic, and I need to keep reminding myself of this. But he will probably be raging after I sent him some horrible drunken texts, so won't be trying to build any bridges today! I have apologised this morning

I just want to tell you that you are not alone and so many of us have felt exactly how you are feeling. Life can be extremely tough and you are not the only one to panic and turn to drink. When my DC were young and I had escaped from my abusive EXH I spent a couple of years drinking too much and secretly wishing someone would take me away and put me in hospital and medicate me so that I could just sleep. That was 13 years ago and I have never felt as low since. I have a sympathetic doctor who was my lifeline. I went on ADs and other medication for anxiety which worked for me. I came off the medication and would not hesitate to go back on them again if I ever found myself in that situation again. Go and have a chat with your doctor.

Please do talk to your DS. I find even now with my teenagers that talking about problems keeps things out in the open and halves the problem. It's a good lesson for him too not to keep problems to himself. The problems don't get solved magically if you tell someone but at least you don't have the pain of holding it all inside.

With regard to your XP ring Women's Aid. My EXH had me scared witless back then. I was trying to cope with it on my own which left me highly anxious and prone to drinking to alleviate the worry. Women's Aid arranged counselling for me with one of their advisers who made me realise that I had been abused. The adviser I saw had been through exactly the same experience as I had and listening to her made me feel that I was normal.

I wish you and your DS well. It won't happen overnight but do keep communicating with other people because it will take all the problems out of your head. Sometimes we have to admit that we don't have the answers ourselves and need to reach out to people who know more than us.

FWIW I find with my own DS that, if I'm honest about how I'm feeling, he's actually very supportive & understanding. We're a household of just two so I'm conscious that it would be unfair to dump too many adult problems on him but he's really good at spotting when I'm 'stressy' (his word) and his solution - a Sheldon Cooper-style hot beverage - is very welcome. :)

Thank you for sharing your experiences white. If I hadn't had an awful experience with ADs I'd be asking for them now. I am a fan of herbal remedies so I need to be more pro active in helping myself to lift my mood. I think the fact that I'm not really helping myself suggests depression doesn't it?

Cog yes I need to speak to him very much. He knows when something is up but tends to think I'm annoyed at him
We are a 2 person family as well, and while I've always worked hard to shield him from adult issues, this is about being open and hopefully informative about dealing with low mood. I think it would give him a boost to be able to give supportive advice, which is something he does well

We teach them all sorts of things as parents and it's easy to forget that, as well as how to cross the road safely or tie shoelaces, learning how to cope with the bad times is just another thing they have to learn. If you're depressed, do talk to your GP. If you've had bad experiences with ADs in the past, there are new treatments all the time. Good luck