Just need to rant but input advice much appreciated

[Mrscropper]

I've had a major panic on this week with missing my period. At 46 and being sterilised some years ago I presumed it was the menopause. Cue info searching and google coming up with horror stories of women in their late 40's who'd been sterilised thinking they'd hit pre-menopause but discovering they where actually pregnant instead . Now, don't get me wrong I love children, I have 3 DC of my own - 18, 16 & 13 but I certainly don't want any more at my age. I couldn't sleep a wink on Tuesday as I was so worried and dashed off to supermarket as soon as it came light for pregnancy test (the test was negative!) Now I know it probably sounds ridiculous that I could even imagine I was pregnant but the relief I felt once I'd don't the test was massive. All the emotion I'd been holding in came to the fore and I burst into tears.

I'd mentioned a few times to DH that I'd missed a period but he just said I was getting old :-/ I'd not been myself and realise I'd become quite and withdrawn but whenever I tried to speak to DH about my concerns he brushed it off and continued doing his own thing. I lost my DM & BF last year so felt rather lonely with no one to speak to about it so just dealt with the worry on my own. It came to a head on Thursday evening and I broke down and cried, spilling all my feelings to DH that he never seems to have time for me or interested when I speak to him. He spends huge amounts of time on forums about his hobbies and interests, watching sport or documentaries on tv and I often feel very neglected and uninteresting.

DH has always been awful at communicating, he hates deep conversations and never knows what to say. He tends to tell me I'm being stupid when I mention any concerns about our relationship to him and although I explain that it's difficult to feel loved and wanted when he's always busy with his own interests he just says "you know I love you!" .... No, actually I don't know, I hear the words but don't see any actions to confirm that he does :-(

If this was the first instance I'd not be so fed up about it but sadly it's one of umpteen times. Nothing ever changes, I don't want to throw away all our years of marriage but it's so bloody hard work with him and I just can't see things ever being any different. On the whole I just get on with things and accept he's the way he is but then something major comes along and it makes me realise what a right royal pain in the arse he is. Sometimes it just feels like he's saying "I'm alright jack, you piss on the fire"

Unfortunately you have my utmost empathy, my dc are younger and I am considering my options which I have told dh. I am not prepared to continue being alone in my marriage.

Hugs x

Thank you, Hugs to you too RM, I hope you can resolve things or find happiness without him should it come to that x

It's not a nice feeling, my DH tells me we get on well and laugh/joke together don't we? ... We used to, but it's more and more rare now. Occasionally he will tell me some joke or a funny story someone has posted on one of the forums he frequents, I guess that's what he means about getting on well and having a laugh/joke :-/. DH says he's happy and doesn't think there's a problem, although it's clear he thinks sex should be more frequent. We used to have a healthy sex life although it was pretty much on his terms, if he's tired it's a no go! Now it's very rare, I just can't find it in me to dance around the bedroom for him when I feel he's uninterested in me out of the bedroom.

I've not slept again tonight, I know I'm going through a lot of emotions of the past year but he doesn't really help the situation. I told DH that when I try speaking with him he can barely look up from his screen or the tv and doesn't even look like he's actually listening even when he does look at me.

Consider what you mean by I don't want to throw away all our years of marriage, people so often say this. You have three DCs, I presume he is the father? In that case if your marriage ended tomorrow you could say well, we were married X amount of time, we had three lovely children, we were happy for a while... What is wasteful about that? You are quite clear on one theme here: he no longer puts in any real effort to make this marriage as good as it could be.

It doesn't make him an all round monster but if he is so rubbish at communication, tells you that you are stupid (!) when you try and highlight concerns, it does sound as if you are fighting single-handed to keep this going. How did he react on Thursday when you burst into tears?

"'Til death us do part" could be re-written as, until our marriage falls apart because one of us takes the other for granted and is set in his/her selfish ways.

Time to look at the alternative, build up your self-esteem, do you work? look at where you'd stand financially if you split up. You could live another 30 years minimum, do you really want to tolerate this indifference to your feelings? When your DCs start to leave home, you will start to question "what binds us together". I'm afraid if it's just habit, and you are unhappy, life will seem very hollow.

Don't leave it until New Year when people traditionally make New Year's resolutions. Start on Monday, put yourself first, if H doesn't notice or shows no interest, more fool him.

TBH actions speak louder than words. Have you got a spare room you can move into?

One of my biggest concerns is what it is teaching my dc about relationships and family life.

Perhaps you need to consider seriously asking for a seperation so he has the option to shape up or ship out?

What is difficult for me is that my dh is the primary carer so I would have to leave and tbh financially it would be horrendous on all of us! At least my dh admits there is an issue - perhaps because I'm not hiding my unhappiness from him?

OP you are only 46. You can't possibly stay in an unhappy marriage for the rest of your life. It's like justifying your "investment" by being miserable, just cos you have been with him for a long time.

I split with my XH when I was 45 and I now have a whole new lease of life. I have a fantastic new career, have travelled, done loads of things I wanted to. My life is kind of starting over again. If I had stayed it would have just stagnated.

Actually when I look back I can see that my unhappiness was spilling over and I was becoming a person I didn't like very much. I like the "new me" much better. Life is so precious and so short.

I empathise with this situation too. My DP can be quite like that. It kind of ebbs and flows.

It's gotten a bit better with time, but I know what you mean when you feel the their attention is somewhere else, not really with you, that all your problems, or concerns are dismissed, never really listened to. I came to accept this state of affairs as trying to fight it was driving me insane.

I think your pregnancy fears brought into the foreground the fact that you feel alone when you have a problem, that you cannot fully share it with your partner, as his mind is always somewhere else. I've been there, believe me, and it's a lonely place.

People deal with this situation is different ways. You either accept it, live with it, maybe try to focus on what's positive about him, and try to look for emotional support in friends and family. You can take up a hobby or do courses, or activities that bring you joy and contentment, again with the acceptance that he won't change much - maybe he will but best never to count on this. Or if there is more bad than good in the relationship, you go on separate ways. But I can see this last one is a tough one, and can only be judged by the persons involved.

Thank you so much for your input, it really is appreciated to feel like someone understands or cares

Glad you told him how you were feeling. He can't then say later on, he never realised, or you should have made things clearer, etc. Him being happy or satisfied with your relationship doesn't mean your feelings don't count.

I just can't find it in me to dance around the bedroom for him when I feel he's uninterested in me out of the bedroom.

I think that is perfectly reasonable. Now see if your chat with him has any lasting effect.

Thank you Donkey x

I feel so much better already just getting the chance to explain everything to DH and him listening to me. I've said my piece now and will give him a chance to take it all in and see how things go from now. I am hoping this will now do us some good but realise that if things don't change or take a turn for the worse, I will have to follow through on leaving. If I where to stay I run the risk of being taken even more for granted and DH thinking I'm full of hot air and willing to accept whatever is thrown at me.