What do I tell my dc re split from their dad ? He was a nasty drunk do I tell them that ?

[ladypanbanisha]

After many years and much support from mn ( thank you ) I finally ltb.

I tried to shield the dc from his behaviour when drunk but they did see some stuff.

The dc and I are now in a flat and away from him. I am never going back to him but of course I want them to have a relationship with him. He is ok when sober and can be a Disney dad but can be shouts and insulting to the dc sometimes.
They love the Disney dad and I think older dd is worried about him being on his own, cooking fir himself etc.

Do I tell them why I left ? Why we have moved out ? My dds are 12 and 9 so the older one certainly is aware of sone of the drunk behaviour.

Do I ask them to tell me if he has a drink whilst they are in his care ?

Do I ask them to tell me if he is shouty ? ( disclaimer I am shouty sometimes but he loses the plot sometimes when cross and will actually insult them. For example when dd was about 10 and mucking about with her food he called her pig girl a few times. It still upsets me that he called his dd this name several times )

Do I have to just let him parent as he sees fit when they are with him ?

This is all new to me. Thanks for any advice !

You can't make children responsible for their own safety. That's your role as parent. Yes, you should level with them about his true nature because they are old enough to understand plus they've seen his behaviour first hand. You may want them to have a relationship with him but, if you think they are in danger of being neglected, either physically or emotionally, then you cannot put them at risk and you need to challenge his access to them legally. Supervised only, for example.

My brother was an alcoholic and, for the sake of their 6 year old DS, SIL divorced my brother. He came to live with me. At first, it was supervised access at my home - SIL, her sister and DN came for Sunday Lunch.

After 6 months, SIL decided that DB had proved he could stay alcohol-free before and during meeting with DN. He appeared to be clear about not drinking whilst in charge of DN and so she allowed him unsupervised access for 3 hours on a Saturday. However, DN was told that he must NOT go into a place that sold alcohol because it would tempt Daddy to drink. It did happen once, DB suggested a place for lunch and DN spotted the booze. He turned around and said, "No Daddy, we are not allowed to be in a place like this." DN told SIL as soon as he got home - because there had to be no secrets. Unsupervised access was cancelled immediately even though DB protested that he was just going to have a sandwich.

(DB was not an aggressive alcoholic - but he couldn't look after himself when he was 'in his cups' never mind look after a 6 year old in the middle of a busy city! I say this because DB wouldn't have been 'shouty' with DN - that wasn't how his alcoholism manifested. )

Supervised access occurred in her home after that, but I did have to phone SIL on a couple of occasions to warn her that I thought DB had had a drink in his bedroom and not to let him in.

LN adored his Daddy and loved seeing him - but DN's safety was paramount. DN knew about Daddy's drinking because he had lived with it so it felt okay to explain to explain to a 6 year old what must NOT happen when he was out with Daddy.

Sadly, our truthfulness helped DN to understand when his Daddy died suddenly with alcohol toxicity (DN was aged 7.5 years). When DN was brought to my house for the funeral I was trying to be a bit too bright and bubbly for his sake. DN asked if he could go up to Daddy's bedroom to find something he had left, so I went with him. On the way down the stairs he stopped and said, "You do know that my Daddy is dead don't you? Mummy said that he had been drinking took much and became poorly again."

DN is a happy, healthy, well-rounded 13 year old now. He has very fond memories of his Daddy.

I guess I am saying that you HAVE to be honest if you are going to allow unsupervised contact. They HAVE to be able to tell you if something you deem to be unsafe occurs. (And that is ONE SINGLE DRINK - because the alcoholic is sneaky! If the children spot one drink, how many more might have occurred in the bathroom/bedroom with a hidden bottle?)

I have found it hard writing this. I hope it helps you in some way to reach a decision that is right for your children.

They are 12 and 9, you tell them the truth without running him into the ground IMHO

Lady, glad you managed to ltb.

I agree that they are old enough to be told certain aspects, it doesn't mean you have to bring up every horrible thing he ever did. Maybe supervised access would be safer at first though? How would he react to that suggestion.

Sad, sorry to hear about your brother, but good on you for putting the kids first and helping you SIL. I wish my in-laws would do the same.

I always think it is very very hard for the parent who stays with the DCs Finding the balance of not bad mouthing ex, but then again not always making excuses for them, or taking the blame yourself if that was not the case

I'd also go for supervised contact.

You can tell them that dad drinks too much very often and that when he drinks he can be nasty and cannot take care of them properly.
It's different to say it as an explanation than as badmouthing. If you say it in anger or you say lies, it's badmouthing. If you state the facts calmly it's explaining. They will understand and still love their dad.

My DCs were 9 and 7 when I finally persuaded their alcoholic and aggressive father to leave. He was Jekyll and Hyde - could be lovely, but could also be a right bastard- totally disrespectful to me, undermined me, took the piss, sulked, shouted, swore, threatened.

I told them he had to leave cos he drank too much beer, and he wasn't kind to me. They got it. Kids are not silly; they see and hear a lot. They adore their dad but can also see what he's like.

Two years on he's given up the booze, but is still a moody bastard! Still alternately lovely and moody. I tell the kids the truth, without bad mouthing him. They still adore him. My son blamed me a bit to start with; but seems to be more balanced now. I didn't want to lie to them; there was too much of that in my own childhood. People thinking that kids don't notice stuff- I noticed much more than they knew!

Sadwidow28, thanks for posting, im sure the OP will appreciate this. Your reply was really helpful to me (separating from DH this week due to alcoholism). I realise I need to create some boundaries, although in principle I want the children to see as much of their (sober) Dad as they both wish. Thanks again.

Yes thank you for the helpful replies.

This is all a nightmare and I want the dc to see their dad but sober. Living with an alcoholic has worn me down and down over the years and I am not sure how to rebuild our lives.