AIBU to think DSS (8) should be sleeping in his own bed?

[saladcreamwitheverything]

He's eight. There's a bit of back story, DSSs mum made all sorts of accusations against my DH (all untrue). We spent 20k in legal fees to get access.
DH has had over night custody for 16 months now. DSS refuses to sleep in his own room here (which we did to his taste) saying at home he sleeps with his mum. DH asked his ex if this was true when we had him for a couple of nights in the summer holidays and she said yes. I don't know how to handle it to be honest.

My dd was terrible for this between me and her dad. Round about the ages of 6-8. She knew we didnt get along and used it to her advantage.
She would even come to my house with holey shoes, claiming she had no others. Which angered me thinking he wouldnt buy his dd shoes.
Later i found out she had well over 10 pairs of shoes.
She was deliberately wearing the worst ones.
(She lived at his for a year).

It was all because she knew we didnt get along.
She played us off against each other. I think in the hope of us getting back together

Gosh if you are attributing this comment to me 'If necessary tell him he cannot stay if he doesn't sleep in his own room" then I didn't say that. You must mean someone else.

I think the mum and the dad need to sit and have a serious talk. These things happen because 2 parents are giving out mixed messages. The dad needs to discuss this with his ex wife and she needs to talk to their son as well about what he does when he goes to stay with his dad.

The whole situation sounds a mess and if ( just IF) the OP was the OW who the dad left his ex for, it opens it all up even more- security of the child, is dad going to walk out and leave him again....we don't know the whole story. (And apologies in advance OP if this was not the scenario.)

Goodness the poor child.

My DS has been through various phases of anxiety at night and for a while I did the mattress on the floor arrangement. He went to bed in his own room but if he woke in the night would come in and snuggle down on the mattress. He is nearly 10 now and rarely comes into my room at night.

Its a ridiculous idea that suggestions like this are bad habits that at some stage need to be broken. My DS stopped using the sleeping arrangement when he was ready (after a week or two of him not appearing at night I suggested perhaps he didn't need it, and he was happy with that).

The other option is to put a bigger bed or mattress in DSS room so that your DH can go into his room at night if he wakes.

Why would anyone suggest doing otherthan giving this child the support he needs to cope with this situation?

I find it bizarre.

Why would anyone suggest doing otherthan giving this child the support he needs to cope with this situation?

^ This! Totally agree.

Loupy your comment at 9:13

"It's tough but both you and he have to make a stand and if necessary tell him he cannot come and stay unless he sleeps in his own room."

Ok- I didn't realise I'd said that but it was meant as a final last resort tactic.

I hope the OP will come back to this because from the outside it seems the boy has massive insecurities which may stem from what has gone before- and which we know nothing about.

Presumably if his dad had to pay £20K in legal costs to get access, then there was a huge emotional fall out on all sides and the boy would have been party to that. He's now visiting his dad and his dad's new wife who has a child by his dad. It's not surprising that he's showing signs of distress as a result of his parents' break up , the legal battle for 'him' and the new family his dad now has.

Looking at it in very simplistic terms, he may well feel his dad is about to up and leave again, or he's staking his claim on his dad by wanting to share his bed.

I don't know where the OP fits in with this because for a child of 8 to have his parents divorce, have a court battle over him, and now have a new half sibling all within 16 months ( if that's correct) it's no wonder he's a bit screwed up.

I'd say counselling for the whole family is the best bet so the boy's mum ( biological mum), his dad and the OP can work together to serve his best interests.

"Looking at it in very simplistic terms, he may well feel his dad is about to up and leave again, or he's staking his claim on his dad by wanting to share his bed."

In which case, surely the first priority is not to train the boy out of some minor age inappropriate behaviour but to make him feel safe. The age inappropriate behaviour can be tackled later.

My stepson was like this at 8. He missed his mum when he stayed with us, cried at night and asked his dad (my hubbie) to stay with him. In every other way, he was a very emotionally mature 8 year old, but just needed a bit more reassurance at night and that's what we gave him. Didn't see it as manipulative, but gradually encouraged him to sleep alone and the more he stayed over, the better it got.

I do think that for some children with two homes, there will be times they feel unsettled and need reassurance. But every situation is different, that's just my experience of it.

He's now 14 and has well and truly grown out of it!

I agree with those who say 'support for now' and all will come good.

I cared for my DN almost every weekend after his Dad died (aged 7.5 years). We had phases whilst he went through counselling:

(a) Only sleeping with his Mum [or me when he was with me]
(b) Starting off in his own bed and appearing at about midnight when he heard Mum/me come to bed
(c) In his own bed and appearing in my room at 3am to sleep some more
(d) In his own bed and appearing in my room at 6am to read
(e) In his own bed and doesn't move until it is time to get up and dressed

I didn't have a partner to worry about though, so my focus could be entirely on DN and his anxiety issues/securities. Our bedtime routine ALWAYS involved having one last phone chat with Mum as he settled down in his bed. He had a mobile phone next to him on a bedside cabinet so he always felt he had contact - and there were a couple of occasions when I could hear him sobbing to Mum on the phone asking what time was I bringing him home. (Usually if I had had to speak to him about unacceptable behaviour. Never shouty - but behaviour that needed to be challenged and discussed.)

However, I did have to think about how 'appropriate' it was for a 10 year old male child to be climbing into bed in the morning with his Aunty.

He is 13 years old now - well adjusted, bright, bubbly and loves having a weekend with me when we do all sorts of leisure activities.

My 8 year old dd has just announced she doesn't want to go on another sleepover because it's just too hard to get to sleep somewhere else. At home she takes one of the cats to bed with her for company!

I have had to get one of mine back sleeping in her own bed after a period of upset, as she started needing to either be in my bed or me there while she fell asleep and I was becoming exhausted. She is eight and was very anxious for a time around bedtime. I did the things you do when you have a two year old that doesn't speak, put them back to bed calmly, stroke hair, gradual withdrawal but firm that you start in your own bed etc. It took about a month and I did feel a bit silly doing all this with an older child, but they are still little and change is upsetting. I think it's a good idea to work towards getting him back in his own room even with dad stroking his hair/lying next to him, you can then retreat from this a bit earlier, and then get them to settle themselves (reading, audiobooks) and so on.

It is hard work though, I don't remember it being so much trouble with babies!

Doesn't sleep, not speak.

Even as a "last resort tactic" its still shitty. Kick him out of their lives because he is unable to sleep in his own bed? Or have an ultimatum of not seeing him until he grows up and sleeps in his own bed?

What kind of parent does that?

Sorry I haven't been back before now, but thanks for all your responses!

My thoughts on posting was that some people may be in our position and may be able to offer advice, the notion that I'm not gonna let him stay if he doesn't sleep in his own bed is a bit daft loopylou That would be 20k well spent wouldn't it!!

Tonight we have progressed to sleeping in his own bed with DH on a campbed at the side of him, so hopefully we are getting somewhere

I was going to suggest a matress in your room, the anxiety will be related to the ongoing war between his parents (20k suggests a war) which no doubt he was stuck in the middle of.

Also no doubt also extended periods without his dad (20k suggest ....)

Plus his mothers spousification of him, if he is sharing her room at home, then of course he isnt used to sleeping alone.

Poor kid, I wish these women could see what they do to their children when they play mind games with them.

Yes santa I don't know what goes through their minds to be honest. DH went two years without seeing him, then contact was re-instated, then she came out with a tale of my DH "kicking and punching" DSS in the middle of a theme park. I was there, and DHs parents, and nothing of the sort happened!! But her words were enough to stop contact for another year. Even the CAFCASS officers who were involved commented on my DSS being "coached" in what to say. One of her exes even gave a statement to our solicitor to say she was lying. It's no wonder the poor lad is screwed up.

Oh Salad that is so sad that she has played such horrendous games. Glad to read you have got your bed back and that progress is being made - I hope your dh doesn't mind that he may be on that camp bed for a few years to come!! It may be a long slow process. I would suggest if your dh decides to come to the double bed in the night that he warns his ds that it may happen and he can just come and get him if he wakes up and needs him. Very much baby steps like having a toddler again