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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice needed please.

17 replies

dibsforme · 09/11/2013 21:54

Hi, I am looking for some advice. I will do a quick sum up I hope it won't be too long.

I got married at the age of 17 and went on to have 2 children by the age of 21. My husband is 16 years older than me.

He is quite a dominant man and as I was young when I got married I think he was able to change me into what he wanted. We have now been married 20 years. Up until just over a year ago I used to hand over all my pay to him and if I wanted anything I had to ask.

He has a porn addiction I would say prefering to wank off than have sex with me. We could go weeks without doing anything. There are lots of other issues too but I am sure you get the general gist.

Anyway last year I moved back to UK. (forgot to mention we lived in Spain and he is Spanish) to find work as things are tough. Well obviously a year apart has really made me realise that I just don't want to be with him anymore.

So LTB I hear you shout but its not that easy is it. I am due to go back to Spain in a couple of weeks for our daughters wedding. I obviously cant say anything before the wedding as it is her big day. The day after the wedding I fly home and he is due to drive over.

I am now feeling physically sick thinking about him coming over. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

something2say · 09/11/2013 22:05

Ok. It's ok. Take your time. X

Go to the wedding. Then deal with splitting up with him after that. Meanwhile, do little things to make it softer on yourself. Save money. Stash stuff. Copy paperwork. Research what you will do here in the uk without him. Contact friends etc.

Don't worry,x

chubbleigh · 09/11/2013 22:15

The hardest parts are making the decision and acting on it, after that it gets easier, the momentum of ending it will push you forward. Don't put it off because once you have told him, it's done, no going back. It might be messy but you will never regret it.

ImperialBlether · 09/11/2013 22:27

Spend the time with him smiling and plotting. Don't mention anything at all about his wanking, financially abusive tendencies. Just do whatever it takes to give your daughter a lovely time.

Then come back here and start the process rolling. You'll have a lovely life without him.

ImperialBlether · 09/11/2013 22:33

Spend the time with him smiling and plotting. Don't mention anything at all about his wanking, financially abusive tendencies. Just do whatever it takes to give your daughter a lovely time.

Then come back here and start the process rolling. You'll have a lovely life without him.

ImperialBlether · 09/11/2013 22:33

Sorry, double post.

Original poster

dibsforme · 10/11/2013 06:37

Sorry fell asleep, sleep is very hit and miss at the moment.

What I am worried about now though is if I let him drive over that I wont be able to get rid of him he wont leave.
Financially I am fine, I have a job and doing quite well too. I have got myself a little place.
I am scared of repercussions of family I guess too. His family love me and a lot of the problems are things I cant discuss with them.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 10/11/2013 06:43

Obviously seek legal advice, but have the wedding and tell him not to drive over.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/11/2013 07:23

I would definitely prepare the ground. Legal advice is a very good step and, as it's your own place, you're under no obligation to let him across the threshold. Womens Aid will be able to advise you on that. I also think you need to take some people into your confidence so that you are not trying to deal with this 100% alone. Bullies gain an advantage from isolating their victims or, to be more accurate, making their victims believe that others won't be sympathetic. His family are unlikely to take anything you say seriously, therefore, but what about your own family?

Original poster

dibsforme · 10/11/2013 07:33

I am thinking of talking to my mum. I just feel mean as she is coming to the wedding and I dont want her to feel akward.
I feel so guilty hurting so many people just for my happiness, for my you only live once.

OP posts:

lotsgoingon · 10/11/2013 07:37

why don't you tell him, the day after the wedding, that you don't want him to drive over? Then you get on the plane and come back to the UK.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/11/2013 07:39

Definitely talk to your mum. If your DD who is getting married discovered a few months down the track that her DH was an abusive bully, wouldn't you want her to tell you rather than suffer in silence?

A word on guilt. He's spent 20 years blithely running your confidence into the groun with his bullying/controlling/abusive/insulting behaviour ... and I don't expect the Spanish word for guilt has even crossed his mind. This isn't about skipping off into the sunset 'happy. This is about basic freedom to have self-respect as a human being.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/11/2013 07:43

@lotsgoingon... that's a risky strategy. If you're going to piss off the tiger, best to do it from a position of safety and not while you're standing in its den.

Lavenderhoney · 10/11/2013 08:25

Have the wedding. Can you take anyone with you to collect any papers you might need? Do you need to see a solicitor there for a divorce, or can you do it from the UK?

Go to the airport, and you either leave him a letter or call him from the safety of the airport lounge through customs, and tell him not to come. He doesn't sound the sort to be amicable, and you don't have to be face to face.

Then tell your dc. Not sure how to do that, but I'm assuming they know what he is like?

If he turns up in the UK, don't let him in, and call the police if he gets starts shouting or hammering on your door- does he know where your place is?

Well done for getting away for a year, were you hoping he would stay in Spain?

Original poster

dibsforme · 10/11/2013 08:36

I moved over with youngest child to look for work and get her into school last November, middle child came over this August to go to college.

From the beginning husband was due to come over I went and saw him twice this year. Both times we didnt have sex. He says he loves me. I know I dont. Each day that gets closer to his imminent arrival makes me feel sick.

He has to come over to see the kids.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/11/2013 08:43

He may need to visit the UK but that doesn't mean he has to stay in your home. He can stay in a hotel and meet the DCs in a neutral location.

Original poster

dibsforme · 10/11/2013 10:30

There is no easy way is there.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/11/2013 12:27

Few things worth doing are easy. But you can make it easier if you prepare the ground, get some advice and gather as much support (moral, practical) as possible. I mentioned Womens Aid above (0808 2000 247) and they are very good at helping women who want to exit bad or abusive relationships by giving them practical advice on how to do so effectively and safely .... you don't have to be a victim of physical violence to give them a call.

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