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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

first night of passion after first baby's born. (be gentle)

16 replies

itsalongtimecoming · 09/07/2006 09:49

after 7 months of only having sex once (my poor DH) we/I decided to have a try last night to see how we got on. it started out well, but half way thru mid flow DS started to cry (talk about put u off) anyhow managed to get back into it but it was uncomfortable, and DH stopped. I felt like such a faliure for him cos he didn't ahem u know. my mum keeps on about how i'm not DH@s mummy and not just a mummy i'm also me, a woman and a wife and need to get back into having sex sooner rather than later. I did want to, things were ok, but it felt a bit awquard.

how long till that goes away? is it normal to feel like this.

DH says he's not bothered as he didn't want to hurt me and was v understanding but I still can't help but feeling after waiting for so long I let him down a bit. althou tbh I think he was just glad for any action. but then he went down stairs for a fag and said he'd be back up again and didn't come back up till I fed DS at 11.15pm, and even then he didn't come to sleep, althou we did cuddle etc.

OP posts:

jalopy · 09/07/2006 10:50

I think your problem is your interfering mother. Her views are affecting you. Surely your sex life is a private matter between you and your partner?

Original poster

itsalongtimecoming · 10/07/2006 09:33

I don't think she's interfering. we're very close, it was not said nastily or out of turn/place it was mentioned the once and hasn't been since.

OP posts:

eefs · 10/07/2006 09:37

don't stress over it, just try again. sooner rather than later. The fun does come back.

Original poster

itsalongtimecoming · 10/07/2006 09:39

it was fun it's jsut I don't know I felt liek a bit of a let down to DH, althou this is my issue and nothing to do with him - I think he was just glad of us having some nice alone adult time! lol. which leads me on - how do those of u with more than 1 child ever manage to have sex for a second??? as if on que DS cried!

OP posts:

colditz · 10/07/2006 09:41

Tell your mum to mind her own business/stop discussing your sex life with your mum!

Then buy a bottle of wine and some ky jelly.

Cove your down-below in ky, slurp a good amount of the wine, and get on with it. And do it early in the evening, when your ds is less likely to wake.

colditz · 10/07/2006 09:42

Sorry x post about your mum.

amber5 · 10/07/2006 09:43

you're definately not alone in this. my dd is nearly 6months; we've done it a couple of times, but it hurt adn dh knew i hadn't enjoyed it. like your dh, he's been lovely about it and not put any pressure on, but i feel like i ought to try for his sake (sounds v edwardian doesn't it?!).
not advice i know, but hope it helps to know it's quite 'normal'

Original poster

itsalongtimecoming · 10/07/2006 09:49

amber yes this is my view exactly, i'm sort of thinking well i'd best get on with it! lol. I think that's all mum was trying to get over not to add pressure on any thing just sort of a husbands can feel neglected by their wifes after birth so don't forget about him sort of a thing (which would have been quite easy for me to do with the lack of sleep and all)

OP posts:

PinkTulips · 10/07/2006 09:51

theres nothing worse than trying to relax and enjoy sex while your waiting for a baby to start crying.... and they invariably do start crying! chances are the discomfort is due to the fact that you can't relax and let yourself go while you've got one ear open for ds.

any chance your mom could take ds for and evening so you and dh could spend some romantic time together?

CarolinaMoose · 10/07/2006 09:51

agree re KY.

It was v uncomfortable for me for months and months. It does get back to normal eventually .

The first year was a bit crap for me, but after that was much better (except we've always got an ear out in case ds wakes up).

jalopy · 10/07/2006 13:04

Itsalongtimecoming, sorry if I sounded offhand. It's just that you used the words 'my mum keeps on' so I got the impression she was inappropriately nagging you.

joelallie · 10/07/2006 13:50

"....not just a mummy i'm also me, a woman and a wife and need to get back into having sex sooner rather than later"

I think that the phrase 'you're also a person' should have come into to it somewhere. ie, you are a human being who shouldn't be having sex because she feels guilty. And getting back into 'having sex' makes it sound like riding a bike....it isn't Your DH seems to be taking it all in his stride and he's not complaining is he? I hated the first few times we did it after ours were born...I was also very tense.

I agree that asking your mum to take the baby for an evening would make things easier...and then take it easy and try to relax about it. Just spending time with each other alone will help the mood.

Highlander · 10/07/2006 14:33

women, and individual women, react to sex in very different ways after having a baby.

Your DH sounds very switched on and seems to be giving you time to adjust - talk, talk, talk to him about how you feel.

You are not obligated to "give" DH your body. You'll shag like bunnies when it's right for both of you.

I go right off sex during pregnancy and when BFing frequently. It's my personal physiology. Of course Dh wants more sex - he's a bloke!! But marriage and kids is about more than that, the dynamic shifts a lot in those early years.

LaDiDaDi · 10/07/2006 14:44

What about doing other sexual things apart from actual vaginal penetration? How do you think that hubby and you would feel about an evening of agreeing to do anything but that? Oral sex and mutual masturbation may end up being just as or even more enjoyable but with less pressure on you to do something that is physically causing you discomfort.

PrettyCandles · 10/07/2006 14:54

Are you breast feeding, and was your ds in the same room with you. Both are things that I found hugely off-putting. Have you had lots of intimate cuddles without them leading to making love, or were you trying to cold-start, IYSWIM?

The old chestnut of having a slow, relaxed bath together really does help.

If you're sore down there, have you had yourself checked out? I didn't know that my soreness was caused by the fact that my stitches hadn't healed properly, and it wasn't until I had them repaired that we were able to have full sex. But until then, once we knew that there was a practical problem with a solution that we just had to wait for (good old NHS), we stopped trying and tried to enjoy each other physically without any pressure on either of us to 'perform'.

joelallie · 10/07/2006 17:17

Agree about breast-feeding. A real passion killer in this house....sadly for DH as I've been feeding DS#2 for 3 years!!! I'm weaning him off now and am still waiting for the explosive rise in libido... remember it happening the first and second time....in the brief window of opportunity before I got pregnant again...

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