I am a woman and I was sexually abused by my older sister as a child.

[InsanityandBeyond]

Between the ages of 7 and 10. My sister (we have different fathers) was 3 and a half years older. It was aggressive and involved oral sex as well as penetration with objects.

I have always known this happened but passed it off as 'experimentation'. I am undergoing EMDR therapy at present for extreme panic attacks and anxiety and this has brought up really distressing, profound emotions for me. I realise I was actually terrified of my sister and did not want to be alone with her.

My mum discovered it and decided to blame me (she hated MY father) so I was subjected to emotional and physical abuse for the rest of my childhood and teenage years. My sister was the golden child and used to beat me up as well but the sexual abuse stopped when my mum found out.

What a completely fucked up family . I actually hate my mother. Now I realise how I felt as a child, I really do hate her . Strangely I don't blame my sister .

Not sure why I am posting just wanted to see if anyone had experienced similar although I really hope not!

I don't blame my aggressive drug addict brother for a childhood of fear, I blame my mother. It was HEar job and within HER power to stop it. Not my brothers. He was selfish and immature and the acceptability of his behaviour was guided, shaped and validated by my mother who should have protected me.

So sorry for what your going through and hope the therapy helps ultimately.

Im really sorry. Im a lawyer and read this type of stuff regularly.Well done for surviving.

Thank you both. Posting this has made it more real. I have disassociated for so long, even blaming myself and accepting that I was this disgusting, dirty, filthy 'thing'.

Time to change my thinking now!

Disassociating yourself from such an awful experience is a completely natural way to cope with it.

You are incredibly strong for posting it on here and also having therapy, I truly hope it helps you. I hope it helps you realise that in no way were you to blame for any of this, you should have been protected, you had that right as a child.

I wish you peace and healing.

You are a brave, honest and generous Woman for posting your story on here.

You have nothing to be ashamed of and plenty to be justifiably angry about.

What strategies have you put in place with your therapist to help you deal with the emotions that your EMDR throws up out of session?

If these are not helping you then this needs to be discussed in the next session. The more you can help yourself (in an empowered manner), the better you will feel about yourself.

What they did to you was wrong. Your Mother did not protect you. You deserved protection. She failed you in that manner. You are not to blame. You were and remain innocent of any blame.

You poor thing. Your mother let you down hugely. And sounds like she let your sister down too. Do you still see your sister? She was around 10 when she started abusing you? Could she have been abused herself?

Sorry you've been through this and I hope you find your therapy useful.

you are right not to blame your child sister. It was not a healthy home environment for her either.

I expect your sister was abused too. She was a child, you were a child. Crap crap parenting for both of you. Seek the help you are getting and read a lot around the subject. Your sister might well still be the golden child. But you were both children.

Have you ever been able to broach it with your sister? I hope you have found happiness in your adult relationships though understand if you haven't.

But you are acknowledging these hideously damaging dynamics so your time will come.

Same as the other posters, I think you have real courage in facing this now, you did absolutely nothing wrong and were let down abjectly but you are the one who has a future with the prospect of peace and joy, all the best on this journey you are on.x

Big hugs! Thats all i can offer, i cant think of any advice xx

It's shocking to read of children having to endure such a violent & abusive upbringing , after having parents & siblings that were not that way. Best wishes for your future ability, to cope with your memories of past times.

I was abused when I was about 9 or 10 by a girl 5 years older than me. She gave a 'no comment' interview when she was interviewed by the police. She's a nurse in the Liverpool area.

Well done you for having counseilling.

Reading only helps to a certain extent, as it's one thing 'knowing' but quite another to 'feel' something.

Good luck with your journey.

I think you're doing brilliantly to face this now and be able to speak to us about it.

I'm really sorry this happened to you, it must have been horrific and still must be to have to keep remembering, but you are strong and I hope you can find peace with the fact that you being able to talk about it could possibly help someone who has been through something similar

Your extremely brave for going to speak to someone and recognize you need help to deal with such a fucked up situation. Stay strong and your not the only person going through this. Research some books to read and I'm sure there is a forum dedicated to this. Sending you love & hugs x

I know how horrid it is to face childhood things years later, I was 0 when mine all came out and wish I'd done it decades earlier and not suffered years of anxiety and depression , but like you I'd buried it and not connected it. It helped me to realise that my abuser was probably abused as well and although no excuse it helped me realise it wasn't my fault it that makes any sense?

I would also say that if you have counselling then you can live a life where you don't feel like you do now.
It is possible to recover and have a wonderful happy lifexxx

Thank you all so much for your lovely replies . I am hoping this is the hardest bit of my therapy and it will soon be over (fingers crossed very tightly).

I have gone through the domestic violence witnessed as a toddler, abandonment by my alcoholic father, my mother's awful psychological abuse and her violence towards me, my 2nd child's birth and death, my 1st child's near death (serious illness) and really did not think the sexual abuse was that much of an issue, but my god the feelings were of absolute terror, heart stopping so. Poor, poor fucking me .

Never actually admitted this but for done reason I DID tell my lovely trusted Exp. almost same situation as the OP , 100% sure my DM has no idea and I couldn't tell her. I just don't address it. Pissed off that I told my exp coz he's f'cked off now. That's what you get for finally confiding in someone.

I was amazed at how powerful its hold had been over me as well, bastards!! Also plucked up courage to tell H25 yrs ago and he took me to psychiatrist who recommended we went together to work on it and then every time we had an appt he was too busy and couldn't make it, felt like I'd been abused again. It took me another 15 years before I told anyone else - a lovely counsellor who I'd gone to for what I thought were other problems.

It hasn't been easy but it was the best thing I've ever done. Hold on there IAB it will take as long as it takes but you will come out to this side