How to cope with lack of intimacy in marriage

[LoneInHustle]

I have been married to my lovely wife for ten years. There is nothing called intimacy in our relationship, we live like good house mates to take care of our child and get along well generally.

Ending the relationship is not an option at least not in the foreseeable future but the loneliness is really killing me now. I am not sure what do I miss more, the romantic warmth in the relationship or the physical side of it. At times, I do feel resentful of my wife.

I don't know what I am looking for by sharing this, may be just trying to give vent to my frustration or may be a hope if I could find how to cope with the suffocating loneliness ...

How did you get to this point? Would you want to rekindle the intimacy between you?

Things suddenly change after the marriage, may be I was not what she thought. The feeling of being unwanted and being inadequate is not easy to deal with. I am not sure if I want any intimacy between us, feel too resentful for this I guess.

So why is it you can't separate? If she doesn't want intimacy either (does she?) it seems hard to see why you don't have an amicable mature divorce and move on to happier lives? I'm not sure it's good to stay together for your little one if that's what you're thinking. Happy parents apart are better than sad parents together, surely?

Do you let her know you still want intimacy? In a subtle way.. Compliment her. Kiss without expecting it to go further. I think sometimes people get into a rut and the more you get back on track.. The more the intimacy will happen. Have things got a bit boring.

I am only two years married and a lot of the time I wish we were more spontaneous. I do think marriage is a mindset. makes you feel more sensible. Could you book a mini break or even a nice meal out so you can talk.

I have tried all of what you say Mrspebble, nothing seems to work. I am not what she wanted from life. I have almost given up on this now.

For some reasons, we can't separate at least for some time. I am not sure thought, I would be able to come out of this as a sane person :-)

You say you are not what she wanted from life. Is this an arranged marriage OP.

No, Darkesteyes it was love marriage. Reason why I say this is because she always compared me with the partners and husbands of her friends and I was always not good enough in one way or the other. She never withdrew sex from me but there was no element of intimacy or making me feel wanted. For a very long time, I thought may be I had issues which I needed to resolve so I kept going.

I'm afraid it sounds as though you're in an emotionally abusive relationship where you have been lured in under false pretences, kept under control by being made to feel inadequate, and generally expected to endure a miserable & lonely life for 'reasons' which I don't think would stand up to much inspection if you could say what they were. Your confidence is shattered, you believe you are at fault and you don't believe you have any choice in the matter... you seem grateful she allows you to stick around. I don't know how old your child is but this is a very poor model of an adult relationship for them to take into their own adulthood.

I suggest you investigate what it would mean in practice - legally, financially, etc - to end the marriage

I think you need to go to relate for counselling

As a couple

Joint counselling is not usually recommended where one partner is controlling the other.

From a different perspective, it's easy for me to loose myself having children. My brain can be so engaged with practical stuff, there's little time for being sexy or DH. We have to make time.

This isn't about being 'sexy'. The OP is being compared by his lovely wife and being told he falls short... He feels unwanted and inadequate and has done from the moment the ring went on her finger. She is not someone who has gone off sex but someone who is deliberately trying to smash another person's confidence

But is it controlling????

Maybe she has low sex drive and a little jealousy of her friends marriages?

Have you spoken about wanting more romance and sex? Are you best friends?

It's controlling because he's under control. Ten years of being subjected to this behaviour and he's still there, still trying to make her happy and thinks he has no alternatives.

I think a lot of people make comparisons with others - houses, partners, looks, jobs, cars etc.... It doesn't mean they are controlling, just not quite happy with what they have in life. Comparing stuff/people is a quick road to unhappiness in my opinion.

If great steps have been taken to improve the relationship and things haven't worked, what has kept you together?

The husband isn't powerless surely, he has chosen to accept/coast along and could have left.

It actually sounds like both husband and wife have coasted along unhappy.

I think you need a heart to heart - if you want things to work. Talk constructively about how you can develop the relationship

Thanks for all the responses so far. I don't think she is deliberately trying to control me though she has streak of getting things her way. May be she has low self esteem. I would agree with you Retroformica to an extent, she is naive enough to compare stuff/people which makes her really unhappy in this case.

No one is perfect so for a few years, I kept on trying to improve on things which were bothering her but then I realised this comparison game won't stop ever. I would be compared with the fakery of life which some people portray on facebook and in parties.Yes, we have coasted along unhappy. More I think about it more resentful and sad I feel about this. I don't find myself motivated enough to make it work. I am tired of being taken for granted and being not wanted.

I think the mutual resentment is killing the intimacy for you both.

It isn't easy to recover either once you get to that point.

If you cannot separate can you not focus on other, good, areas of your life and stop mourning for what has been lost? New pursuit? Artistic hobby?

"she has streak of getting things her way."

Emotional bullies all share that streak. They achieve it by never being happy, smashing confidence, setting unreachable standards, petty nit-picking and criticism, withdrawal of affection.