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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

1 week later

8 replies

Maoamstripes · 08/11/2013 14:00

since split from ex partner. Have gone no contact, he was EA. I have been keeping myself v busy but today seems to be hitting me more. Its hard, to let go even when you know it is not the right relationship for you. Stupidly? despite how he treated me I care for him and still have a love for him. We met at vulnerable times in both of our lives, both just divorced after 10+ yrs marriages. I feel like i have been living in denial for such a long time, i just dont know whats normal or how i should feel. Feeling lost and dont know how to move forward.. I have a ds, so he keeps me busy.. but...
guess im just looking for others who have felt similar.. the "trauma" of getting over what happened... and also knowing his ex wife went through the same and has moved on with new partner and my exh has also moved on with new partner..

OP posts:
Granville72 · 08/11/2013 14:09

It's a kind of grieving process and most people go through it when a relationship ends.

In time you will find yourself again and begin to recognise you. When I split with my ExH I didn't even know who I was any more and horrified I'd let someone control my life so much.

Enjoy your son and your new freedom.

Mumistheword1 · 08/11/2013 15:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Hissy · 08/11/2013 19:45

This is the beginning of your journey, it is a hard step to take, the feelings you weren't allowed to feel will be safe to come to the surface.

Please read Why Does He Do That, as soon as you can, and come chat to us.

If you need RL people, please call WA?

You did a wonderful thing, and in time, you will see that. Keep focused on your future. It will get better.

I promise you!

MrsWedgeAntilles · 08/11/2013 21:31

Last night exP and I had a really horrible row and I was pretty upset Afterwards I sat for a bit thinking about all the shit things that had happened in our relationship.

After that I went to bed and really wished he was there because I needed a hug and that's always the way it would have been in the past. I think you just have to wait until the old patterns and grooves of your life have been overlaid by the new ones.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/11/2013 06:59

One week is a very short space of time for something as traumatic as a relationship breakdown. What you're currently feeling is not 'love' exactly but the almost obsessional dependency that living in an abusive relationship creates. You're like one of those long-term prisoners that have got so used to being in a cell that, even once they have left the institution, they feel disorientated in a room they can walk out of.

You've spent so long trying to keep an abuser happy that you've probably neglected other parts of your life.... friends, hobbies, yourself basically.
When my EA ex left I was also completely lost. Spent a lot of time doing anything that kept me out of my empty house where all I had for company were negative thoughts. Do you have friends or family you can be with?

Original poster
Maoamstripes · 16/11/2013 17:23

thanks for your replies.. Im another week on now and still no contact. Mostly been "managing" but feeling low.. wondering how he is/where he is etc CES you are right regarding feel disorientated.. i feel Ive lost myself. dont know who i am...
A bit shocked a message was deleted by mumsnet for breaking guidelines and what it said! I hope not directed at me!
Do i sound pathetic? I feel I'll never be able to trust and I feel lonely... I know what you mean about empty house and not wanting to come home. Yes I have friends, i see family but learnt not to go there as makes me feel worse!
I know Ive done the right thing, but yes it became like an addiction and a "trap"

OP posts:
MikeWazowski · 16/11/2013 22:37

Maoam, it takes time, a lot of time. Surround yourself with positive people and lean on your friends as much as you can. It's been 2 years since ex dp and I separated after 13 years and 1 ds between us, and it's only really been the last 6 months that I've started to feel like me again, and to not wonder 'where' 'what' or 'who' etc. It does get easier, I promise - eventually.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/11/2013 07:27

You don't sound pathetic at all. As I said earlier, EA relationships are all-consuming, simply because that's how the controlling/bullying abuser sets them up. After 10 years in any relationship, anyone would feel lonely when it ends. But 10 years in an EA relationship means you've arguably had a more intense experience... certainly a more damaging one. It's going to take time. You might even want to check out the 'Freedom Programme' designed to help survivors of domestic abuse.

A word on 'trust'. It's 100% normal to doubt your judgement after an experience like this. You are going to be very wary of other people for a while and that's also normal. Take time to be calm, get your confidence back and learn to trust yourself first. Good luck

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