Husband left 3 months ago but doesn't seem to be getting any easier.

[Radleygirl]

It all started back in February when DH, completely out of the blue, told me it was all over, he said he hadn't been happy for years, I just nagged at him all the time, didn't make him feel like he was loved and basically I was horrible to live with. Obviously I was devastated, we have been together for 19 years and married for 14 years and I thought we had a fantastic relationship, we shared everything, parenting, chores, money and spent more time with each other than with friends. He was my best friend. He didn't want to move out as financially we just couldn't afford it. so we stayed living together for about 2 months. Then just as I was about to ask him to leave as I couldn't cope with it anymore, he said he had changed his mind and that I had changed so much over the last few months that he now wanted to try again. I was overjoyed, we agreed that we would go to counselling and I thought we could work it out.

Anyway to cut a long story short, he never really tried at the counselling, he answered everything with "don't know" and he wouldn't engage in any of the exercises the counsellor suggested. Then I caught him texting another woman, he swore nothing was going on, she was just a friend, but promised he wouldn't text her again. Things went down hill from there, he changed his password on his phone and wouldn't let it out of his sight. I know, I know all the signs were there I just didn't want to see them. Then after a few weeks like this he told me he felt the same as he did in February and wanted to leave. He also added that he couldn't live with someone who didn't trust him!!!! So I told him to get out there and then and he went to live with his parents and he is now in a flat. Obviously OW is now on the scene, when we first split he had nights away from his parents when he told me he was at a friends but I kept catching him out staying with OW, but apparently he was just on the sofa and I was crazy thinking there was something going on. A couple of weeks ago he decided that it was time to introduce the OW and they have now started a relationship, nothing was going on before though!!

We have had quite a crap time since we married, he was made redundant from a job he loved and had quite a status within the local community, this has obviously brought financial problems. We went through fertility treatment, I had two miscarriages and my mum died. But the worst of all I was diagnosed with Breast cancer in 2010 and after a mastectomy, Chemo, Radiotherapy and reconstructive surgery, I thought we were finally getting through all the crap!! and then this happens.

I just don't understand what happened, how can one day everything be ok and then the next day your life is in pieces. My dd who is 11 is devastated, she has started having anxiety attacks. I have watched my beautiful girl go from a confident happy child, to one who is full of anxieties and lost all her confidence.

I just want to move on, but I can't imagine my life without him, I know it's been three months but it doesn't seem to be getting any better. I feel all I do is bang on about it, I'm sure my friends will get fed up of hearing about it soon. I think it might help if I knew the truth about the ow, but he is still sticking to his story that it only started a couple of weeks ago. No one believes him, friends or family. He has told me she is 30 (he's 45) and she has 3 children and none of the Dad's see the kids.
He has moved on with his life and says he is happy for the first time in years. How do I start to move on and be happy?

I'm sorry you've had such a bad experience. Sadly, a lot of us who have found ourselves in your situation think it's all come out of the blue because we get so little warning. It didn't happen overnight but I expect you realise that already. He 'moved on' a long time ago, you're right, and all of that stuff about him not being happy for years and you being a nag etc... that's pretty classic 'justify my selfish actions by blaming anything but myself' behaviour. Very poor.

Knowing the truth probably wouldn't help much. It would just make you feel worse, scratching the scab. You have to assume it's been going on a while - at least since February - and the to-ing and fro-ing has been because he was wavering between staying with the family and being with the new person.

How do you move on? Three months is almost yesterday when it comes to traumatic events so please be kind to yourself rather than expecting too much. Your priorities are yourself and your DD. Find nice things to do together, stay occupied, talk and listen to each other, make plans for the future.... and you'll end up with a strong bond. If she's really struggling with anxiety, do involve the school and your GP so that she's got maximum support. Does her Dad see and talk to her regularly?

Thanks Cogito, you are probably right about the truth, how would I believe what the truth was anyway? But I just keep going over and over it in my head. What is wrong with these men, why can't they be honest.

She does see her Dad at least twice a week, but they aren't really talking. She tells me things she wishes she had said to him, but she is scared to get cross with him or tell him how upset she is, in case he doesn't want to see her either. He thinks I'm making it up about how upset she is, but she had a panic attack in front of his parents so he can't deny it now. He isn't the same with her though, he used to work a lot of evenings and he always phoned her before she went to bed. Now she is lucky if he texts her once a week. I don't know how he can cut off from her, he used to adore her. She is seeing a counsellor, the same one that did the relationship stuff.

"why can't they be honest"

Because they know they're in the wrong, can't take the responsibility on the chin, and think that by sticking their head in the sand, blaming others, fudging the truth and so on, they won't have to deal with the fall-out. Your DD being a case in point. It wouldn't take all that much effort on his part to reassure her but he'd rather accuse you of exaggeration and do a disappearing act rather than just be a decent human being and face the music. It's selfishness and a big dollop of cowardice.

Thanks, very wise words, it's good to see it in black and white. He is a selfish coward!!

Although I still have this nagging in the back of my mind that I drove him away by being so horrible. Although as my friends keep telling me, I've been having treatment for cancer for the last few years, how easy to live with is anyone going through that!

Within reading the first two lines of your post I'd already thought OW and of course it's been going on since before February I'd say.

Cut your losses, I know it must be hard but why would you want him back anyway, look at the lies he's told and the way he has treated you after what you have been through is just hideous.

He's the one stuck being daddy to 3 other kids, I wouldn't envy him.

It won't be as bad as you are imagining and what to do is focus more attention on your daughter, do girlie things together and mostly be nice to yourself and to her.

Sorry I know it's a long time with someone but I reckon you are well rid.

as someone else who has been in this position, I agree that three months is nothing. It feels like an eternity at the time but if you think back to how long you were together, it would be impossible to bounce back after only three months. Mine was over three YEARS ago and I can honestly say it's only this year I feel like I have started to recover.

Take care of yourself, take care of your daughter and realise that he was not honest because he is a coward and a selfish manchild. You deserve better than that.

you've had such a lot to deal with recently and now this! You have not driven him away - he is being selfish and thinking primarily of himself instead of his family.

I know it's easy to say ...and I wouldnt have believed it when my ex left (three children under 5, youngest 9 months old, affair) but it does get easier with time. Your primary focus is looking after yourself, so that you can look after DD.

3 months is nothing, really!!
I can still remember crying (OK sobbing my heart out) in a heap in the corner of rooms after 6 months.
But things do ease and they do get better but it does take time.
You are grieving and there's a lot to go through yet.
Be kind to yourself and reassure your DD as much as you can.
Take it day by day and don't think about when you might feel better. It will come with time and when you least expect it.
His priority now is the OW and yes, of course it was going on before.
But rest assured. A 30 year old with 3 kids and he's 45 - believe me, karma will be along very soon to bite him in the arse and you can stand back and watch with a smug smile on your face because you have moved on and realised what a lying, cheating piece of shit he is.
Sound like you have people in RL who you can talk to and moan to. I'd have been totally lost without my family and friends. Lean on them as much as you can. They WANT to help.
for you.

Oh my goodness I never cease to be amazed by the depths that some people will stoop to to hurt and devestate their OHs. OP I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. He is a spinless wanker isn't he?

With regards to looking for answers, I feltthe same when I split up with my DP earlier this year. I was OBSESSED with the OW, with finding answers, with knowing the truth but I then sudden;y realised that it didn't matter. It was highly unlikely that I would ever find out the truth and even if I did, it wouldn't change anything. He would still be gone. And I wouldn't feel any better anyway. So I started saying "IT DOESN'T MATTER!" out loud to myself whener I started churning this stuff over and over in my mind. IT DOESN'T MATTER!

Keep going and let time help heal your wounds.

Yes I do take pleasure in the fact there is a 15 years difference and 3 children who aren't yours will be hard to deal with. So come on Karma hurry up!!

I know i'm probably being too hard on myself, but I had decided this was the year I started living again, as my treatment was all over, I can't help feeling being cheated out of this. I am impatient and just want to feel better, but You're all right 3 months is nothing really.

He has moved on with his life and says he is happy for the first time in years.

Only the first half of that sentence is true, I bet. I don't believe for a moment they only started a relationship a fortnight go. I am very sorry exH put you through all that then gave you false hope there might yet be a chance to work things out. Thereby not only playing with your emotions but trampling all over DD's.

You are clearly a very capable, articulate person, you have your health now, you have your beautiful DD. He couldn't live with someone who didn't trust him (!). Well you can certainly live and thrive without a useless article like him. He is what he is. Focus on you now, focus on DD.

Your DD has had to do a lot of growing up very fast, first Mum very ill then Dad walking out. Like many children she will worry deep down she wasn't good enough to keep him at home. She will be frightened of making demands of him, of boring him, of failing to measure up to some impossible standard. We can't make adults love us but they should step up for their children.

It's early days but you've had many months of uncertainty and self doubt, now he can't hinder you any more, crack on and keep going.

They lie because to admit the truth would be to put themselves in the wrong - and the fairy tale fantasy they have constructed in their heads would not seem as sweet. They lie even when the facts are laid out before them - and in front of others!

My exH of 24 yrs married his OW on the first anniversary of them declaring their love for each other - aww ... But that was 2 weeks before he told me he wanted a divorce and months after their relationship started (no one else involved ) and he kept up that story to friends family and the dcs until I told him he had to tell them about 4 months later (I did know at the time there was an ow but I only had the hard evidence at that point).

It was a very difficult time with our dcs saying they were sure he wouldn't get involved with anyone for years - and me trying to gently say that men tend to move on very quickly and not to be surprised if he did meet someone tempted though I was to say your father is a liar

I can fully understand feeling cheated out of the opportunity to enjoy your new found health (mine had encouraged me to think of my recent redundancy as 'early retirement' - I had to shelve those dreams, luckily found another job after the divorce ).

He has detached, you need to find a way to do that. Your dd will take her lead from you and believe me, your relationship with her really has a chance to blossom now. Three years down the line I am happier and healthier and I only really miss the convenience of having another adult around to feed the cats and let me go away overnight I now have to call on friends and neighbours to help - but they are more than willing - and a lot less emotionally demanding than my exH was.

You will get there.

February no question.

He is a lying snake who is too cowardly to admit to you why he suddenly needed to leave.

Far easier to blame the victim.

You'll get to a point where you sorry for the OW, living with a liar.

Take care.

Bitoutofpractice, I have become a bit obsessed with the ow, she has an unusual name so I goggled her and she does love to post photos on Facebook,Twitter and Instagram. But I've stop looking at them as I will drive myself crazy!! Although it is funny to see how unlike my stbx she is, she, she follows Big brother, TOWIE and similar and he always hated those sort of things and looked down his nose at people who watched them. She also has tattoos and a couple of piercings, which he also hates with a passion. Oh dear I'm obsessing again I think I might borrow your "it doesn't matter"

Thank you Donkeys, I'm sure that is exactly how my dd is feeling and you're right it wouldn't take much for him to reassure her.

Thanks Catsrus - I was the same with my DD trying to get her used to the idea before the ow came on the scene, but he was undoing my work by telling her he wouldn't see anyone. It is hard not having another adult to rely on, the responsibilty can be quite overwhelming.

Thanks for all the other posts, it is nice to hear others call him a selfish coward, not just my friends who are always going to be on my side.

Radley Girl I am going to give some tough love advise here ok!

You are obsessing over OW who isn't worth a a single millisecond of your head space and nor is your cheating ex!

Your DD needs you! She is suffering with anxiety that can be dealt with effectively with good techniques and medication. Get reading on anxiety and treatments and try out some coping stuff with her! I am glad she has a counsellor but maybe she needs meds and CBT ? refer to Child Mental Health team? Counselling may not be enough? She needs your 100% attention.

You might want to get some counselling to help you outpour and put this mess to rest or in a box for now whilst you sort DD out?

Acute anxiety can turn into chronic anxiety and ruin a chance of a normal young life. Your DD has been through more traumatic events than a grown middle aged woman! Her Mum had cancer, her nan died, then her idol DF did this to mum and her! I really do feel for her! and you took ((radley)) I am suprised it is ONLY anxiety! She is a strong young girl but these anxiety signs is a sign she can't take no more.

You have enough worries around you to distract yourself...your DD....get busy...and in time she then will become your 'rock' and help you to forget more and more each day reducing the pain. So kills 2 birds with 1 stone as it goes!

CCTVmum, I need tough love advice!!!

I have been seeing a counsellor, the same one as my DD, but I'm not sure that she is doing that much for me? I go there and pour my heart out and cry for an hour but don't feel I'm moving any further forward. Not really sure what should happen at counselling though?

I think you and the others are right I do need to concentrate a lot more on my DD, I tried to talk to her about things tonight and she just shuts down and says she doesn't want to talk about it and she "feels stressed and angry" I will do a bit more research on it all.

OW put some photos on Facebook today of her and stbx which has upset us both - annoyingly it's a really lovely photo and they both look so happy!! Bastard!!

Bless you Radley you are going through so much!

I am sorry I sounded harsh, but I think the redirection to your DD will help you both in turn.

What you can get on MN is just as good as counselling and tbh you could save your money to then pay for treatment rather than a chat! But for your DD it should be free on NHS but will require assessments etc but you can take private route which is faster but then expensive. But then we only get one chance with our kids being kids and your DD has been through so much.

Is their a friend in RL you could meet with weekly to have a chat with and a hug and cuppa tea? I have an Ikea heart cushion with arms...when I need a hug I hug my cushions as my ds has hugging issues re ASD. But grab your DD for plenty of hugs...do girlie stuff ie soak feet in foot spar and paint nails or head massages are lovely all relaxing stuff with of course chocolates and chick flicks!

You could try phoning Young Minds which is on Google but GP is best port of call.

Please please don't do what I did (for other reasons of fear of ex attacking) don't let it get to you. Even if that means being drastic and leaving FB until you have no desire to look. If this is too much at once then check once a week and after a month check once a fortnight and decrease double time checking FB until it is 6 month checks and you are weened off checking as it can become a self obsessed doom for you dragging you down every time you look! I know the memories wont fade but in time it will get easier.

Have you heard of the saying 'it gets worse before it gets better' well this is where you are sadly and it will get easier...sadly loads here been in your shoes who want to support you.

Please don't check FB lovely. I did twice and it nearly destroyed me, I have now deactivated my account. It will torture you, you don't need that.

CTTVmum - don't worry you weren't harsh. You're right they grow up so fast so she needs to get the help sooner rather than later.

The annoying thing about facebook is that I blocked the ow a couple of weeks ago so I couldn't look, but then I started looking at her on DD log in, then I blocked her on there too. But a friend (?) told me about the photos and even helpfully showed them to me today, just before I had a meeting with my boss today. So that was fun, although my boss gave me a big hug and I left a wet patch on her jumper - which was a strange experience

Your friend may have thought she was doing the right thing but her loyalty to you was misplaced. I've had this too, a simple, "I don't want to know" usually stops any information that I know won't get out of my head.

I know there is curiosity there, believe me but all that has achieved today is pain for you. I have actually listened to what people have said about my H in the hope that there is something that will make me feel better but there never is. We are not a subject for gossip no matter how well meant - this is our lives, our marriages and our pain.

I don't think this friend will do it again, bless her, I starting crying and shaking straight away - I was shocked by how strong my reaction was.

I know but the curiosity is really just a form of torture isn't it, why do we do it to ourselves. I know what you mean about hearing something that will make you feel better, it does for a while but it's like a drug I just want to hear more and more horrible comments about him.

I'm not going to lie to youRadley, I am really struggling myself but I know what all the MNers on here have said is true, I know what I need to do but grief is a horrible thing and you want some answers, some reasoning for their behaviour.

You will not get the answers to your healing through what others say, I know it has to come from yourself, I sound like I'm preaching but not trying to as I understand how you feel.

For so long we relied and trusted our DHs and now that is gone in the most cruel way. It is so hard when for so long you are so close and the then all of that is gone. Trust me though, FB is not going to help at all. Try not to look them up or listen about him. I often ask people politely (and sometimes not so politely) to "stop" when I know what they say will set me back for days.

Radley Whatnext is so right! She has been through this...last week? Your boss sounds so fab! I agree your friend doesn't understand and thinks she is helping by informing you.

Gosh whatnext you go girl :) you sound so strong now as was worried with the OW on FB post! See Radley you are not alone!

So glad you are here to support Radley Whatnext it kinda helps you see too....self groups who understand been in shoes etc work so well that is why I think MN is fab for us MNs who when in desperate need of support as no RL support it is a life saver as others here who has been through it...I had the OW and ex and her Dc x 2 on FB when I was 7 months pregnant...I thought I was going to die as the pain was so bad too. I tortured myself too looking. Then DS regressed and the attention I had to give ds 10 hours a day therapy and forced me to forget OW and ex...until ex started attacking my home when ds was 3yrs old. But then I checked then not because of a OW ...that is what I used to pray for as when ex was loved up he would leave us alone for months until he blamed me for his next failed relationship. So in end I used to pray for OW to come along and free me from his vicious revenge thingy he had going on!

So it took me YEARS for different reason in end to stop looking and if I feel something is wrong I get other MNs here to check for me so ex can't see I am looking....you know they can see you looking too...well on ex blog he could eek! I was feeding behaviour without knowing it possibly!

Make sure they can't see you are looking if you have too. Get your friend in work to check if you really have too know...but listen to Whatnext. DELETE DELETE DELETE!

Thanks Guys,

Good advice as always, I've been good today I've not looked at either of their twitter accounts - which is good for me. I did end up in a bit of a heap sobbing my heart out earlier, I couldn't find the instruction booklet for the oven and then had a arguement with my dd over not brushing her hair. I just felt overwhelmed by everything and felt I couldn't cope. She gave me a big hug and we had a nice talk.

I do really hate Sunday's though, it's such a family day. I did manage to cook a roast for me and the dd, which felt good as I haven't done it since he left. I was even reasonably pleasant to him when he came to pick up dd. Feeling quite lonely now though, I really miss her when she's not here. I need to plan something for the times when she isn't here, but not sure what I could plan for a Sunday night.

Glad you're a bit better today and feel proud that you didn't check up on him today - if you can do it today, you can do it tomorrow.

Sunday nights, how about a bath, music, face pack, paint toe nails - a real pamper night?