Another narc parent thread (sorry!), lulled into a false sense...again

[Capitaltrixie]

Apologies in advance; I have posted and commented on a few narcy threads lately so at the risk of sounding like a broken record, here goes!

Recently I chose to, whilst keeping at arms length, be slightly more friendly again with my mum (a highly passive aggressive/ slightly narcissistic person, all wrapped up in a fluffy, doting, loving grandmother demeanour). Many people in similar situations on here I know have gone NC. I just couldn't bring myself too; the guilt was too much..maybe I'm just too weak. And I haven't ignored previous excellent advice on here (which I'm grateful for), just found the best I could do at the time was take it on board and find my own happy medium. My happy medium was not being close to her or discussing personal issues, but dropping off the grandchildren whilst being superficially polite always. We seemed to be bumbling on ok.

But, she's done it again. Very recently I made a (positive) life changing decision re: DC and me. It's a decision she doesn't like. So she has been talking to my (EA) ex saying she is concerned about me, and many other things. Now I realise this may, in different circumstances, not seem abnormal behaviour. However:

1. she has a history of narc traits
2. on what planet is it ok to moan about ones daughter to their EX?!?
3. How about trusting and supporting and allowing your family to make mistakes (after much soul searching, I don't believe I am making one re: DC or myself)
4. I have told her time and time again if she keeps discussing me (unfavourably) with other family members and my ex, regardless of her motives, I will never be able to trust her and we will never have a close relationship.

I give up. No, I really do this time.

Hi Capital I have not really resolved things with my mum but she is an old lady now with signs of dementia, and very anxious and stressed, and I try to do the right thing. I know I'll regret it if I don't, and I now have legal responsibilities too.

I don't know if she's a narc or just a bit weak and vain (perhaps the result of being a younger and less dominant twin). She has a desperate need to be 'the favourite' and a weak sense of 'self'.

Two things keep me going:

• She is much nicer to me if I keep contact down and visits short.
• If I start feeling needy I visualise an empty room. I then remind myself that whatever I'm looking for, its not in that room.

Thanks for your replies again.

Annie that's true..people externally may have a perception of someone, doesn't make it true.

Deck, I think that's my issue with going NC; the thought I may regret it as I will feel like I haven't done the right thing, morally. Though I realise if it's a question of maintaining my sanity/MH or being in touch with her, I have to go for the former. That's why I've decided I need to do it, at least for now. I get that needy feeling too and often feel a 'void'..but that's a very interesting way of dealing with those thoughts..I'll try it .

That's good you've managed to step away from FOG Ursula. Accepting and not looking back.

It seems common for (adult) children of parents with narc tendencies to often feel victimised or bullied or weak themselves; suppose it ties in with not developing a healthy self-esteem as a child.

"There will be huge repercussions with the family if I go NC (I play the role of 'black sheep' with my hard done by mother being unappreciated), but again, I need to trust myself".

Yes you do need to trust yourself. The problem here is that you've been trained by your narc mother to put her first and you last. If family members also decide to cut you off then perhaps they were really not worth having any sort of relationship either in the event they can be so easily swayed by your mother.

I would also suggest you read "Children of the Self Absorbed" written by Nina W Brown if you have not already done so.

Thanks again Attila.They are easily swayed. I actually had a text message from my Step-dad last night to say, amongst other strongly worded things, that: 'I should be ashamed of myself'. I was a little (it was off the back of me saying to my mum how upsetting it was that she confides in and has cosy chats with my Ex). That is one of the things that made me realise that NC is necessary.

I'll order a copy of that book this evening.

It's lonely..but liberating also.

Capital some people just cannot bear to look at their own behaviour. Why bother when you can blame the person who has been hurt?

Yes it is lonely. But it gets easier as you get better at avoiding or at least anticipating situations that are likely to cause you pain and make you vulnerable.