MIL (again, sorry) and frequency of visits

[maillotjaune]

I'm wondering if I am being unreasonable.

MIL is in the UK now (lives abroad, difficult relationship with DH and me and I have posted several times about her under this and previous nn but don't bore you now.

Usually she is here for 2-4 weeks. She doesn't stay with us anymore but will visit most days after school and at the weekend. Until DH does something 'wrong' then she'll happily ignore us for weeks / months. In the spring she was really abusive after he called her on something she had done which he was very reasonable about but she lost it and he is still upset.

She denied it for weeks, then eventually apologised (in what sounded like an insincere way I.e. I'm sorry you were upset... rather than I'm sorry for what I did...)

Anyway, after spending 3 evenings in a row with her she asked about coming round tomorrow and I said no, we're busy with DC's activities and need some time just the 5 of us (hard enough due to work) and she is obviously very pissed off with me.

If it was only a couple of weeks I'd feel differently despite her behaviour bit this time she has said she may be here for months. DH feels the same as me - are we being reasonable to suggest a couple of times a week is enough? I don't see my parents that often.

Sorry, I had intended to keep this short but even when I'm not talking about her behaviour I can't help going on!

Does she have anyone else she goes to visit or is it just you and your DH because if she has come to see your family only I think it's unreasonable to only see her a couple of times a week. It would be different if there are others she can go and visit. I still think twice is a bit unreasonable.

I think twice a week is lots! If she could be here for months then you need to get the balance established now. My dd have activities 4 nights/ week anyway and I can't imagine spending such a huge chunk of my "spare" time with someone who doesn't sound particularly pleasant anyway.

Anyway, after spending 3 evenings in a row with her she asked about coming round tomorrow and I said no, we're busy with DC's activities and need some time just the 5 of us (hard enough due to work)

Possibly might depend on how you phrased that. Was it as blunt as you've stated here?

Your MiL does not sound particularly pleasant or supportive. Life is too short to be surrounded by negative people. I think your DC's activities is a valid reason not to see your MiL on one evening. It sounds like you need a little bit of breathing space x.

NannyOgg she asked if it was ok to come round today and I said that Friday was actually really difficult as we have very little time to get the children fed before running the older 2 out to different activities - different start times, different collection times, one of them back late and needing to get ready for bed pretty much straight away.

I don't think I was rude - although one of the problems talking to MIL is that she tends to start talking over me (and DH) half way through the first sentence so it's quite hard to tell her anything.

Deste she does have other family, and sees them regularly although not without similar problems and fallings out. She's not sat at home on her own just because she isn't with us - and actually has regularly said she was coming round only to turn up at DC's bedtime because she has visited other family or friends first. We've already had a week of being ignored, so this is now the aftermath where she tries to make up for it.

I am currently feeling very wound up by some of her behaviour on this particular visit which is just too long and depressing to go in to but she has been vile to DH this year and he is trying to limit the time he spends with her as he is still very upset by what she has done, and from experience we know they are more likely to get on together if they don't see each other every day. I don't know, she is just such hard work and no amount of effort on my part has made any difference to how she treats us over the last 20 odd years so I guess I've really reached the end of my tether.

Sounds like very hard work OP and unlikely to get easier. If you say to her that's she's very welcome to come round but that you'll be rushing about with DC and it'll be all hands to the pump, would she/you be able to cope with that? Or does she need to entertained? My MIL is really hard work but I tend now just to work round her keeping to our routine and expecting her to fall in.

No sadly she will not do anything (perfectly capable, but likes to be entertained and fed / given tea). She has minded the children a handful of times when an older sibling has needed collecting so I didn't need to take younger one(s) out since DS1 was born (he's 10, although she wasn't talking to us for a couple of years when he was born so didn't meet him until he was 1...)

Just to clarify as well, she comes to the UK several times a year so even with a shorter visit it's not as if she only has 2 weeks in a year to see her grandchildren in which case I would go out of my way to spend as much time with her as possible despite all the problems. Should probably have said that in OP but I was trying to keep it brief!

stick to your guns, do whats right for your family. be firm, polite and fair.

being nosey would like to know what she did to dh that was so terrible...

I really hate the pressure IL bring when they live abroad. Its their choice to move abroad knowing that their kids will probably then go on to have their own children- then expect them to drop everything to accommodate them in everyway. Life does not stop because they turn up on the step.

My inlaws said we shouldn't have had a child without having a bedroom set aside for them to stay in when they do come and expect us to entertain/wait on them hand and foot them. mm yes bacuase that's the rule of thumb we all use when starting a family...we lived in a two bed semi at the time.

Oh PTFO I wouldn't know where to start. There's a whole thread's worth.

To be fair to her she moved abroad years ago (DH was in his late teens) but yes, she is clearly miffed that DS3 now occupies the 'spare' room. She used to turn up for a 'short' visit and still be here 2 months later on occasion (largely ignoring us as she disapproves of so much we do). I think we're fairly normal when compared to my family and our friends.

"She used to turn up for a 'short' visit and still be here 2 months later"

Faint at the mere idea of that< OP, you seem reasonable and trying to be fair.

She sounds like a drain on your energies, so ignore her and focus on your DH and DC.

No, you weren't short with her.

Maybe your DH should talk to her.

He has tried but I don't think she listens.

It has been helpful getting other people's views so thank you everyone. When I've posted about MIL's behaviour, some of the advice was to have no contact. DH has considered that but wants to try to maintain some kind of relationship with his mother on terms that don't allow her to take over his life.

I'm trying to be supportive - but it's hard to balance her having that relationship with DCs without having a big negative impact on DH's happiness.

If she is too difficult/toxic for you or your DH to deal with then she is too difficult for your children to have any sort of contact with.

Presenting a united front to her is essential. Both of you must have and maintain very firm boundaries with regards to her.

Re your comment on no contact:-
"DH has considered that but wants to try to maintain some kind of relationship with his mother on terms that don't allow her to take over his life".

That will not happen because his mother is at heart completely inflexible. He may well be in FOG with regards to his mother; the states of fear, obligation and guilt. He perhaps also does not want to realise the damage she has done to both him and his own family now.

She asked to be polite but evidently felt she'd automatically get a positive response. Lesson learned. She must go through life getting to do as she likes without obstacle if she huffs about you turning her down for one evening.

Oh dear, a friend has ILs somewhat like this. No advice really other than to try to make some of the meetings out of the house so you can at least leave when you want to? Do your DC like their GM? For me, that wold make a big difference. If they're not bothered about her, it should be up to your DH to visit her out of the house, as he's the one who wants to keep contact.

Yes Phiney the DCs do like her but prefer small doses or they start to wonder off for some peace. Their attitude to her is different to their other GPs (incl FIL from whom she is divorced, so not just my parents).

Atilla I think we will end up there. DH's attitude is hardening and I am trying to set out limits but he is reluctant to make a break.

And yes Attila he has FOG, or at least OG. He is in his late 40s and is still regularly reminded of her terrible labour and how grateful he should be to her...

If she's going to take offence at the slightest thing and kick off regardless of whether you try and accommodate her or not you might as well just do as you please. She'll be no less huffy but you'll be happier.