I've left. Now what?

[Stuckunderababy]

So after trying to talk to my EA DH and getting nowhere tonight I've taken the plunge and gone to my mums with the kids. I've never left before. I guess I want to make a statement, make him realise I'm serious about not being able to carry on like this, which I am, but I want it to be a realisation for him to make changes. But I think he's just angry at me for going. Now I don't know what to do. It was all very messy, i planned to leave before he came home but he came home early as I was about to leave. He said I was making a huge mistake that I'd regret. But what's the alternative? To never be listened to, to be marginalised and made to feel like shit. I think I'm ready to take the hit if it's over, but I so don't want that to be the case. Now what do I do? Hope he comes grovelling? And if not and he gets nasty, then what?! Help, feeling so low.

Could you go to counselling to explore whether it is a mistake (probably not) and to help him understand why you want out?

sounds like he's not worth it and its not a good environment for the kids

you deserve better

I've suggested that and want to do it. We're at stalemate and I think outside help would be good for us. But he won't. I can't make him.

But now I'm the one splitting up the family by taking the decision to take a break when he wouldn't move out temporarily.

The ball's in his court - what he does next, if anything, will give you an idea of how much he cares and how much he's willing to work at his marriage. He's bound to be angry to start with - give it a while, and he may get his act together.

And if he doesn't - well, then you know you've done the right thing. You've been really brave - hope you're OK.

he's the one in the wrong

Well done. Him saying that you will regret it is just manipulation and he will keep saying things like this for a while. He may also start to agree to counselling or offer you things like a holiday etc to distract you from his behaviour. You need to judge him by his actions not his words. Good luck for the next few days and be kind to yourself.

Sort out counselling for yourself, just you. If he has a change of heart and wants to work at it, it will have been helpful to get the perspective in the meantime. If he doesn't you will be further along the road to settling into a better life without him.

Thank you - I know you are right. What will be will be. It's just quite scary. But in my heart of hearts I know something needs to change and one way or another this will hopefully get that ball rolling.

You could go for counselling on your own. Also, I've read lots of times on here that you shouldn't go for couple counselling with an abusive partner.

It is scary, but just because something's hard, doesn't make it wrong.

well done.
the scariest part is over.
the rest is a bit stressy but exciting.
good luck to you & your DCs, write a list if everything you need to do & check each off as it happens.

satisfaction guaranteed

I asked my STBXH to leave. It was a wee bit to make a point. He learned nothing: he was angry with me. Three months on and I've realised that he's never going to understand, never mind actually have the insight to make any changes. My marriage is over. He's in denial, because it has not been his decision. But it has. His refusal to listen, to accommodate, to try and understand... all of things made a choice. You DH may learn. He may get a fright. My money is on not if he's angry with you. He's putting his own need to be angry before you again. I hope, for the sake of you and your family, that I am wrong. If I'm not then can I be a wee voice in the darkness: it's messy but possible. I went to bed smiling last night. That's not been part of my life for a very, very long time!

I should also say good luck and a manly pat on the back!