Can I ask what you think of this please?

[rumpledtitskin]

No back story to this one as I really need to know if I am over reacting to this one incident please.

I've just come home from work and heard dh shout shut up to dd as he was coming down the stairs.

I asked what was going on and he said she'd been playing him up over bedtime and making stupid noises. (She does this a lot and it is really, really annoying. Like she's pretending to be a puppy crying)
Dh has a bad back and it had flared up so he was struggling to get the dds ready for and into bed.
They are 7 and 5 btw, it's the eldest I'm talking about.

When I went up to see what was going on, dd was sobbing, saying 'daddy hates me, he said he's going to kick me in the head'

I smoothed things over and came down after she was asleep to see what dh said.

I know dd is a real handful sometimes, defiant and slightly obsessive about things like her routine etc.

He said he didn't say that, then he may have said he'd kick her because she was on the floor and wouldn't get up, then he said he couldn't really remember exactly what he said as he was in so much pain and really cross.

I don't know what to think.

I'd be grateful for any opinions, thanks.

Sorry, that last bit's not clear.

He first said he didn't say anything like that.

Then he said he may have said he'd kick her, but only because she was lying on the floor and in his way.

Finally, he said he couldn't remember what he said, but he wouldn't have meant it if he did say it.

I know he wouldn't actually have meant it or done it, I've just had worries before about the things he says when he loses his temper.. Normally just threatening a smack, when we don't smack anyway.

Anyone?

Bumping as I need to go to bed soon!

I suspect he said it and regrets it. I think they should make up in the morning, and that's that.

Thanks Vivacia.

Really didn't know if I was reading too much into it. It's not something I would ever say.

Well, if you're tired and in pain and a child is refusing to get off the floor and you can't bend down to pick them up... Who knows? You might say something terrible that you immediately wish you could take back.

What's important is that they talk soon and she gets reassurance. If this is a one off I'd treat my partner as I'd want him to treat me - with forgiveness and patience and good advice.

I've occasionally threatened my DC with physical violence - all said with a twinkle in my eye and an obvious leer so that they know I am joking. I would never ever threaten it while actually cross with them in case they thought I meant it. Children can be very literal in their understanding of things and no child should ever feel scared of a parent.

If this has happened several times before, your DH needs to get a handle on this. It's bloody poor parenting TBH. You may know he would never hurt his DC, but his DD will now have a seed of doubt sown in her mind because of the obvious anger DH displayed when threatening it.

He's certainly not the first parent to lose his cool with a misbehaving child and threaten something inappropriate. His pain levels will be affecting things too. There is no need for a massive over-reaction with thoughts of abuse and social services. However, unless it IS stopped in its tracks now, it WILL become a pattern and that will be when it crosses the line into abuse. Your DH needs to find a way to stop that NOW. I have every sympathy, but pain or not he is the adult and it is his job to learn how to control himself and step away if he can't cope.

To start with, I would suggest he goes back to DD and apologises and makes it very clear that he lost his temper and said something he didn't mean - that he would never hurt her.

My ds will often sit or lay down behind doors, I have often warned him he may well get hit by a big wooden door.

I can certainly see him telling his df that I told him I would hit him with a door.

It sounds like crossed wires to me, but the difference is, that if dp asked me if I had said I would hit ds with a door, I would certainly be amused by ds's misunderstanding. There would be no reason for me to deny it.

Thanks Dahlen, those were the thoughts I was having.

I will speak to him in the morning and see how he handles it.

Whereis,

Yes, it concerned me that he tried to hide it.

I know he wouldn't have done anything like that, I don't like him speaking to her like that though.

Ohhh blimey, I've been there.

None of us are perfect parents and DC have this knack of pressing our buttons at exactly the right (or wrong) time.

Don't read anymore into it than a loss of temper.
Apologies and a cuddle will go a long way.

I would tackle the pain issue with him. Could he go back to his GP to help him manage this better?