I'm godmother to my cousins' daughter. They were in their 30s when they had her and I was only 13 when I stood as godmother but my cousins were insistent that they wanted me - they had taken me under their wing a bit when my mum died and they wanted me to have some responsibility i guess and some belonging. Very sadly my cousin died tragically 4 years ago when her daughter was 21. Her husband went to pieces and still needs looking after a lot and their son is very detatched (to try and cope with the loss of his mum I spose). He has 2 kids of his own now and we don't see a lot of him.
The day after my cousin died I wrote to her husband and promised I'd try to be as good to their daughter as they'd been to me when my own mum had died. For a while we were very close and I know she enjoyed spending time with me. We actually had our dd1s around the same time so they loved seeing each other too. She went on to have another dd whilst I was ttc; I took much longer and her dd2 is 2 in november while my dd2 is only 9 months. Since I had dd2 I've found it increasingly hard to maintain the level of contact that I'd like. She doesn't drive and she works shifts so I always drive to her (7 miles away) but I just haven't had the time to go as often as I used to.
I'm also finding her quite hard to be with. She's quite feisty and stroppy and is always having rows with other members of our family and alienating herself from them. I try to be supportive but I don't always agree with the way reacts to people - I think our age difference shows in this respect. She will not back down from an argument and is quite happy not speaking to people for lengths of time. Her mum was a very happy go lucky person to be with and I loved her to pieces and I know her death has affected my god-daughter very badly, as it has with everyone who knew her mum. I also know that her mum wouldn't have stood any nonsense from her with the relationship (family and friends)problems she seems to have but I don't feel I can 'sort her out' in the same way that her mum would have. I feel very guilty about all this but I just don't enjoy being with her much at the moment and, unlike if she was my own daughter, I don't have the unconditional love bit that parents have that allows for 'difficult' times. I'm fond of her and we get on for the most part but it's a chore. I don't know what I want from this thread really. I'm just a bit miserable about it and feeling really really guilty and it's the anniversary of my cousin's death next week so I feel low about that and I know my GD must be as well. I'm finding it hard to give her the time or attention I think she might need and I'm annoyed with her dad and brother that they don't make the effort at all.