Coping with family life. How?

[Mapleissweet]

I'm married with 4dc, the youngest is 12 months and oIdest 15. I work part time in a professional job which has a fair commute.
I feel constantly on edge, tired and irritable. I feel as though I flare up and snap. I have so much to do at home and responsibilities at work and am finding it difficult to cope. Dh does help and work hard but I have to do all the thinking, organising and household management.

Dh is forgetful and disorganised. I have to constantly remind him to do his 'jobs' and so I feel I am nagging and having to repeat myself. It is so draining.

He is responsible for ensuring that homework is done. The little ones don't have much just reading and a task each week. Dh hasn't done this in weeks. Tonight the teacher mentioned it that ds had missed numerous homework. It makes me cross.

Don't know what I'm saying, just struggling to cope with family life, working and remaining calm. My DM says I'm grumpy and negative.
I'm just tired, frazzled and at capacity. What can I do?

Wow, that's nice of your dm!Sounds like you have a lot on your plate.Could you afford a cleaner maybe.I only have two dcs and find it a great help

As for the jobs , if he can't remember could the two of you sit down and write out a schedule,stick it on the fridge so that everyone knows exactly what they have to do .Do you get a break at all?

Has DH got the feedback from the teachers re homework? Its his responsibility so he needs the feedback - straight from the horses mouth where possible! No one would like being told off by teacher. You have a lot on your plate and I think it's fairly standard unfortunately for working families but reaching the point of feeling irritable and snappy is a sure sign that you need to address this issue. I have , as have friends of mine, needed to remind DH occasionally that they have equal responsibility for family life. How you do this is another story but getting them to understand the consequences of their inaction i.e. the homework should be a sure fire way to do this....lists of jobs are good, you only have to compile them once! Weekly reminders in calendar on their smart phone if the forgetfulness/disorganised is an issue.

Obviously you have to find a way to share the organising and household management rather than trying to manage it single-handed. If your DH is a decent man I'm sure you can sit down with him and come up with some ideas between you how to achieve that. A 15yo DC can also be recruited with household tasks ... in fact, everyone except the 12mo can pull their weight in some regard. Schedules, visible reminders, family meetings, hired help... large families have to be pretty regimented. Good luck

Watching with interest...it's the same with me and my household, but only one 13mo DC! It's exhausting having to be on top of everything all the time. DH just seems blind to all the jobs around him and I hate having to remind him to do simple stuff. We often discuss it but nothing much changes!

Same here for me op. I feel constantly narky and knackered, I don't like who i've become.

We both work full time, but I work shifts so ultimately I get more days off. Thats great for childcare as we manage with only 2 flexi days a week, but it means I pick up all the rest. Quite often I have toddder all day, school runs, tea, toddler to bed then off I toddle to work for a 12 hr night shift......course we could do another nursery day bit its a big expense.

Dp is quite good I guess, but a bit clueless. Its me who notices lightbulbs, unbungs the sinks, makes teas, irons uniforms, packs bags. Because if I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done!

Is there any way you could schedule homework into his phone alarm/ electronic calendar? He needs to get into a routine with it. If possible, get home to go alone to next parental consultation so he hears himself how your child/ren are missing handing in h/w and reading.

get him, not get home!

The onus isn't on the OP to fix this. Resolving the problem has to be a team effort, not one woman telling the rest of the family what to do. Like any other team, some members are going to be better at certain things than others. But everyone has a part to play and everyone should be part of the solution.

You are working at capacity and taking responsibility for everything. I agree with Cognito's comments

Ultimately what would happen if you got sick? I think you have to practice that scenario and dump your responsibility for a fortnight personally. (Hard to imagine and negotiate but ...)

Only when the jobs don't get done and other people feel the effect of that will they appreciate you and start to work with you.

A big family is hard work especially as they get older. People always focus on little babies as very hard work. 10 onwards is a constant round of clubs, homework, conflict. Children need first and foremost...time. The more children you less can give each one individually.

Meanwhile dump housework, dump washing, dump shopping and when everyone looks to you just say sorry in a happy way and suggest going off to have some fun. Seriously... Force yourself to put self first, plan fun activities for you and then the kids. Be fun to be around ...let them work out that you are happy if you're not being a slave.

I'm in the same position too though with 2DC so much less juggling. My coping strategies have fluctuated in effectiveness over the years. When coping, family life is almost perfect and I feel like a shining beacon. When not, I feel like a terrible mother and person, snappy and sad. I mostly manage to seem pretty competent at work (i think) though oscillate between wanting to take on more responsibility & wanting to cut down hours pretty constantly!

Haven't solved it yet but the "supermum" & "high functioning professional" tension is part of it for me, and when I ease up (on myself) trying to be perfect, things improve. Not feeling guilty about paying someone else to do things & not feeling guilty about having regular time for to do my own thing helps.

So does the realisation that I'm really busy, my DH is really busy & we just have to muddle along and do our best.

Thankyou so much everyone. I can't tell you how reassuring it is to hear how others feel the same too.

My DM will just criticise me for being irritable and that I should get a sense of humour. I'm at total capacity and struggling to cope. I know it will pass, but when you're in the middle of it, that doesn't help. I appreciate it.

It is good to come on here and feel supported as I feel that is what I lack from family. Encouragement and understanding goes a long way.

Thank you for the practical advice.

It just feels that if I stop everything will come crashing down yet I can't continue at this as I physically don't have capacity.

How bad does it have to get before a breakdown.

That's a really good post Overcomebygravity.

I felt overwhelmed a few years ago - only one DC but had some medical problems. I scaled back on my work and responsibilities and it has worked well for me. However I didn't enjoy my job enormously so it wasn't much of a sacrifice.

Outsource as much as you can. I'm sorry to say this and I know that homework is meant to be your DH's responsibility, but it's not fair on your DCs that he isn't managing to do this with them. Could you swap another task with him? Sorry to even mention it when you are juggling so much, but you might feel a bit less stressed if you knew it was being done.

Interestingly I have had the sick bug this week, I usually have to nag DS to do his homework and drag him kicking and screaming to the table, sit with him while he does it. This week I didn't have the energy so I just told him it needed to be done and surprisingly he got the stuff out himself, sat down and did it all quietly, no arguing. If your DCs know that you are at capacity and you are serious then they might pick up their game.

Am I the only one who can't afford to outsource stuff? I can see that this is a really good answer, but it costs much more to do an online shop at Sainsburys than go to Lidl (like £30-40 a week more) and cleaning also cost money. We are scraping by as it is, I'm not sure that outsourcing is possible for everyone.

Having said that, you have had some great advice on here particularly Overcomebygravity.

Your DM has likely forgotten how it was to run a family household and doesn't want to listen to you moan. Just lie and say all is fine if she doesn't have anything productive or nice to say.

I would set up a chart on the kitchen wall with ALL jobs house, child and finance related and divvy up accordingly.

Your DH and family need to understand that you're a team and that you'll all be happier if noone is being a skivvy and having to monitor it.

Your DH has to remember that he's the grown up and if he agrees to monitor homework that you shouldn't have to check that he's done his job.

Can I just repeat the idea about putting it on his phone's electronic calendar?

My girlfriend and I used to have arguments about things that I'd agreed to do, but forgot. Little stuff, but it's how resentments and big arguments grow. So I started logging everything on my phone, setting repeat alarms and making a record of every social situation. It's been a massive help, because most of this stuff just registers in my brain as ephemera and is discarded, but I know it's important to her.

Thankyou all for checking in on me. I really appreciate it. Things have been a bit better this week. Dh and I had a lovely night away at the weekend, eating and drinking and just relaxing. It was wonderful.
Some weeks I seem to manage ok and some weeks I don't. And that is when everything becomes so overwhelming. My DM isn't one for offering support, she will criticise me for being irritable which I know I am, but it's what happens when at capacity. Understanding goes a long way.